The BAG

It has been quite some time since I looked to my blog, and thought of writing.  Not that we had a shortage of adventures to write about, but perhaps they were not all cupcakes and rainbows.  I deep down know I am still in such a negative place I should not type a word, but I think it is time to share my thoughts on the past few months that I will title "HELL" ...

I have written quite a few updates via Facebook, and I kindly see so many replies stating how positive I am, let me assure you I am not.  Lets go back a few months to catch up.

I made the decision to take leave from work when my health took centre stage and I could no longer function with the discomfort, exhaustion, medical appts and fear that crohns and liver disease were winning.  I thought the time off would eliminate all obligations with the exception of focusing on getting better with a goal - avoid surgery.  While the months were not without challenges, I took advantage of the "somewhat healthy" days to hit the beach with Greta to search for sea glass, visit with friends, get Greta ready and off to Grade 1, and prepare for the holidays.  Sadly, it took just 6 weeks in to my leave to realize that my fate was sealed and surgery was going to happen.  I will spare the details of the numerous Doctors I had to see, the many trips to Halifax to hear that I had no choice with the surgery, the surgeons that didn't make the cut because they felt bleeding to death was the most likely outcome, the buckets of tears that fell because I was truly terrified of death and leaving Greta without a Mother.  But all my pleas fell on deaf ears and I found myself in Halifax on January 10th, 2017 for the BAG. I prepared Greta the best I could for the possibility that it would just be she and Daddy; that I would live in the stars and she could look up and find me most nights; I bought gifts for her to remember me by, made a memory book of Mommy and Greta moments from the day she arrived until December 2016 and through many tears, she understood that the Drs were going to do there very best to keep me with her, but that she would always be with me through an invisible string.  I have notes stashed in the Christmas boxes that she and Darren would open next year to let them know I hoped they put all the trees up and how much I wished I could be with them to decorate.

While I was happy that my surgeon had confidence that he wouldn't let me die, in hindsight there are worse things, like: living each day since surgery in pain, dignity stripped, exhaustion that can't be described, zero desire to eat, post surgery complications and hospital visits, having your small intestine now poking out of what use to be a pretty damn good looking flat stomach with a friggin (and I only use this word as some may be offended by the language I would prefer to use) bag attached to me - just to name a few.

On January 12th, my large intestine, gallbladder and a piece of my liver bile duct hit the surgical room garbage can (well, some went to the lab for biopsy!)  Every day since has been complete hell.  I hate it, let me repeat, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE!  I admire those that embrace the ostomy and see it as a life saver; however, I do not and cannot ever envision getting there.  Believe me, if the day does come I will be the first to shout it from the roof tops.  I truly don't know how much crap one person can endure, I am convinced I must have murdered small children in a past life to deserve this horrific life I have to face.  I never had severe pain with my crohns, don't get me wrong, it was no joy, but I would take that again in a heart beat, along with the cancer the Dr's assured me I would get.  And believe me, that is a tough statement to type, cancer has affected our family, as I know it has so many of those reading this, but at least I may have had a year, and then truly no choice for this surgery.  I feel the Dr's pushed me to have it, and I will forever hate them for it.  And sadly, it didn't fix my liver, so if I continue to live through this hell, I still need a new liver, there is truly no end in sight.  The thought of another surgery is of zero interest, I can't even fathom going through such trauma again.  The only good thing about this surgery, is when I need to go to the hospital (which has been twice in 5 weeks) the staff either know me, or look at the list of crap I have on my plate, tell me that I am tough and get me in pretty darn quick - how would you like for that to be your only positive!

Know what else sucks, not driving.  While I truly have no energy to get out of bed, let alone leave the house, I have tried, and that means relying on people to drive me around, pick me up, or go to the store for me....it is awful.  Not only did this surgery strip me of my dignity and body, it has taken away my independence which I dare say I valued more than anything.  I never rely on people, I hate people doing things for me or having to ask for assistance, and while everyone has been so wonderful when I have asked, it is devastating.

The one bright light of course has been Greta, she above everyone else has accepted her pathetic sick mother with a smile on her face, with genuine curiosity and while she has said quite a few times, "that is disgusting", she does so with a smile on her face, not complete shock and horror.  I can only imagine the stories she tells at school, considering she told Darren the other day that "she almost stepped in dog shit", I have no doubt "Mommy shits in a bag" has passed her lips!  It may be an interesting Parent-Teacher Interview this week.  I will give a shout out to Darren, who along with my Mother, did and continues to do everything, from cleaning, laundry, cooking, caring for Greta, being the taxi Dad and getting all my meds and supplies.

So, see, negative!  I am not positive at all, I do not have a good attitude, I am not pretending things are good because they are not.  This sucks!  And the "appliances" as "they" call it hurt, imagine duct tape stuck to your body and everything that goes in to your mouth comes out in a friggin bag attached to that duct tape.  I don't sleep at night because it is most active in the night, and I worry about it bursting open, leaking, the dog or cat hitting it, so that means I sleep all day.  I have developed a fear of eating (don't worry, the Dr's and Nutritionist know), I have lost enough weight to get me securely down to my size 4 wardrobe and even they are too big and falling off me, my hair is falling out (malnutrition), my liver is getting worse so I was a lovely hue of yellow (although this has improved), and I have had 35 viles of blood taken in the past month (so may soon need a transfusion - well, maybe not but it feels like it).

I hand it to all those who have success stories and love their bag, I know there are many out there who state this as fact.  But for now, I will continue to loathe it and see it as the worse thing that has ever happened.  I know I was vain, never denied it, but my body looks like a chainsaw slashed through it, and I want to throw up each time I look at the enormous scar, not to mention I no longer have a belly button, which is just weird, I know it was a useless body part, but seriously, it is gone and a hematoma bubble took its place.  It is gross.

For now, my next step is to return to Halifax to see the surgeon and my liver Dr. They will obviously be getting an earful on what I think of this new life, I will try to practice my speech to them so I don't spend the entire appointment crying, but considering crying is what I do 90% of my waking hours, I suspect that will be tough. Oh yes, for those who will read this and suggest medications - already on it...seems you get a ticket to a counsellor and happy meds when you lose an organ or have a life threatening disease - they are obviously not working that well.  Although I did stop crying 100% of the day, so a bit of an improvement.

I will try to add one good tidbit to end this blog - Greta is doing very well playing violin, loves swimming and gymnastics;  Annie (our puppy who is now 8 months old) has survived thus far, seems she did not eat toxic paint when she chewed the door trim or my antique wooden desk, she is good at night (after a day of being bad she is quite exhausted), and dear Scarlet is still with us, blind and deaf, but still puttering around.

Until we chat again, or the happy pills start working and I have something more exciting and nice to blog about...Toodles.

Grade 1 - How did this happen?

Welcome back to my blog, I have neglected it for quite some time.  Alas, another milestone is upon us, one that I am so happy I am here to witness.  Tomorrow Miss Greta is off to Grade 1.  I remember this night one year ago, it was certainly a different feeling than what I am experiencing tonight.  Last year, I was filled with worry and concern, would my shy little girl speak up, would she be able to get up the steps on the big bus and would she make friends easily.  Tonight, I feel calm and confident she will do amazing.  Greta has been so excited to return to school, I am in awe of her confidence and desire to return.  I of course worry if she will know kids in her class, but she quickly says, "I know all the kids, it doesn't matter who is in my class"!  Considering the number of birthday parties she attended this past year, I am starting to think she may be right!

She has been practicing her math, spelling and reading for the past week (asking for homework strangely enough) and tonight, perhaps in an effort to avoid an early bed time, wanted to count by 2's, 5's and 10's to 100....smart tactic to avoid bed if you ask me.

So, a little note to my smart, confident, beautiful 6 year old....

Dear Greta,

Another year has come and gone and I am so very proud of you.  After an amazing summer, you are more than ready to tackle Grade 1.  Besides how much you have grown (literally, 2 sizes in the past year), you have grown in so many positive ways.  Your confidence is something I wish I had, both as a child and even now.  Your shyness seems to have been replaced with an energy and desire to learn, meet new people, participate in activities and try new things - how amazing at 6.  Your dress is picked out, hair style decided, book bag packed and lunch chosen - I think we are ready for you to walk up the bus steps and off to school. 

I do still worry.  I worry that there will be bullies, that you will get hurt and no one will be there hovering like I do, I worry you will find yourself on the wrong bus and will get lost, I fear mean girls and pray you will never, ever be one and, most important I am so scared that I won't be around to see you continue to grow.  I am not fearful of boys as A) I think you can outrun them and B) I dare say you may have a good left hook!  The only thing that brings tears to my eyes is the fear that I will not be able to be here to watch all of your firsts. While so many will shed tears tomorrow watching their little ones go off to school, I will watch with great pride and am so very thankful that I have made it to this milestone with you.  While I know you and Daddy will be fine, I still don't want you to have to experience a childhood without me, no child should have to have a sick Mommy.  Although I am so thankful it is me that is sick and not you.

So, my wishes for you as you start Grade 1:

Remain exactly as you are - sweet, soft spoken yet confident, eager to try new things, a good and kind friend and smart of course.
You don't have to be friends with everyone, but you do have to be nice to everyone.
Try new things.
Act silly, dance, sing ... Have fun!
Remember at the concerts and plays - Mommy and Daddy are the only ones watching you - everyone else is focused on their own kids.
If you encounter a bully - tell the teacher, the principal and Mommy and Daddy.
Be kind to those kids on the buddy bench and ask them to play.
Always make friends with the new kid - they don't know anyone and could use a kind friend.
Work hard, and don't worry about getting everything right!
Be kind to the bus driver, the janitor, the teachers and all those that help you at school.
Stay away from the bad boys!
Listen to your teachers.
Say please and thank you - I mean it - Santa is listening!
I hope you remember your teachers and talk to your little girl someday about them, just like Mommy did tonight.

And most importantly, have an amazing year.  It will fly by just as quickly as the past six years.  I hope you meet amazing friends, that you love your teacher, that you participate in everything you can and that Grade 1 is all that you hope it will be.  Good luck little girl, you are off to great places - and I will be watching (aka, I will be following the bus!)

You are the best miracle we never knew we needed, take Grade 1 by storm!
Love Mommy

Younger Self ... How I wish I could go back ... I think!

Have to admit revisiting an older post that was written a week shy of my 40th birthday.  Now, the same week but 42 will soon be the reply when I am asked "how old are you?"  42, that is now really in to the 40s...a few differences, the body really does change in your 40s, as does your mind and I am not saying for the better, young teenagers hear 40+ and think you are so old and your 5 year old asks if you are turning 80 and kind of believes it!  Well, I have hit a goal + 2 (40+2), while many may sigh and say I am a pessimist, I like to think I am a realist.  When you are told you have one disease, you say - that royally sucks, but I'll survive, then disease number two arrives, and while life altering and scary, you think - I can learn to live with this despite crohns not having a cure, but when disease number three, four and five has a terminal aspect, as there is no cure and continuous deterioration is reality and most importantly your future relies, and depends, on someone else dying so his/her family can make a difficult decision and donate their liver so my life can be prolonged - you really don't see everything as warm and fuzzy.  I am not a fool, I have great Dr's who try to sugar coat everything and then I have another Dr, namely a transplant Dr who held nothing back, I heard that they may have to remove my entire bowel, that they will continue to check for cancer in my bile ducts every month, I now have a liver turning to stone as cirrhosis has set in and that while transplantation will prolong my life if I am able to get a new organ - it is not a cure, as the disease can return and donated livers do not last forever - now that I think about it - wow, was she ever bold!  So, while many days I can pretend I don't have an illness and I put a smile on my face, each time I walk buy the medicine cabinet that houses two rubbermaid containers of medicine, or the bi-weekly medical appointments I quite often have to attend, or perhaps the pain that radiates through my entire body - I sometimes break - I get upset, I get scared and I vent, as being sick during these rough times can consume me, not because I want to dwell on being sick, but because I very much understand the reality of what my future is and it scares me (is it appropriate at this point to say "to death").  So, until you walk in my shoes, and feel the pain, and realize the fear, or share in the annoyance, it really isn't the place to judge, yet so many do ... but that isn't my post...the goal I have hit - EEKS, I'm turning 42.  The last 2 years have not been easy but lots of highlights too.  Sweet Greta started school, she loves it which is such a relief, she is artistic, kind, smart and so beautiful.  We made it to Disney and not a day goes by that Greta does not ask to go again, I don't blame her it truly is a magical place.  My beloved pets have aged along with me, but are still amazing companions and I am truly grateful for the friends that have entered my life and those faithful friends that have remained.  So while this note was to my younger self as I turned 40, I would give the same advice today...replace 40 with 42 and presto a new blog!  A very long overdue blog!!

Dear Younger Self,

Welcome to the World, you were born on a Tuesday, the same day the French President died. Chatham, Ontario will be your home, but only for a short while, as your life of moving starts in two weeks...Ontario until you are six, then off to Nova Scotia, then New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island, but don't sweat it, you won't "really move yourself" until you are 18 so you have an entire childhood to get through leaving friends, starting new schools, hating your parents for making you move - the adults will do the moving, you just have to suffer through it...so relax.

While you may end up fairly petite and skinny through school and in adult hood, you kind of look chubby during your first year, and good lord the cheeks and round face on you ... get use to it, the round face will be with you forever, not much you can do about it - well, you can, but plastic surgery has risks, think about it perhaps at 42 and a half!

Six -Twelve Year old Self, you will have a great childhood growing up in Truro, Nova Scotia and when you get older, you will realize some of the best friendships you had were from Salmon River Elementary School.  How fun to play in the woods and make forts, to attend birthday parties, to have great pets and a big orange canopy bed.  You won't believe what Santa will bring in 1986, a Cabbage Patch Doll, people will fight to get their hands on that ugly doll, literally kicking and steam rolling other humans, even more shocking, they will last for generations to come, keep things in good shape, it may be worth something some day!  Sadly future generations will want to go grow so fast, so enjoy your Barbies and Dolls, as the Grade 6 kid in 2014 will be closer to what you were like at 16.  You will live in a safe environment, where families don't lock the doors, perhaps some don't even have a key if the door was locked, the cars are huge, you could have a party for 12 in these boats, believe me, the cars of the future get smaller and more compact, and you won't believe this, but the party lines  phones will truly change, one day, you will drive and there will be a speaker in the vehicle - imagine, a phone ... in your car.  Not only that, you will be able to press a button from inside a house and the car will start, I'm not joking, you just wait and see.  As the sun goes down each night, parents scream from the front step to come in, their voices will be heard for blocks, you will walk home, through the yards until you find your way to your house, you don't know what danger is, you don't know terms like kidnapping, pedophiles, sure you know what a stranger is, but in the future, your kids won't be so lucky and free.  Now lets talk about hair, were you not brave enough to stand up to your mother when she "tried" to cut you hair, seriously, zig zag bangs and a bowl cut just isn't cool.  Never, ever cut someones hair with a bowl, dull scissors and for goodness sake, the person who said, just twist the bangs and cut did not know what they were talking about.  But you will survive the hair cuts, and be thankful you have thick hair, you will appreciate having a little extra when you are older.  And perhaps, don't be such a sassy brat, someday, you may realize how much your mother really does know and will appreciate that knowledge - but you still have a few more years before you figure that out, okay, so you may not really figure this out until you are 20, but it will happen.  And the braces, my goodness, those teeth need some work, not only will you be blessed with the pain of one set of braces, but because you didn't wear your retainer, you will need a second set at 16, you will officially have a smile that cost $10,000 before you are done, and the darn teeth will still be a tad off as you get older...but what an improvement.  So smile will yah!  

13 year old self, what a rough year, not only did you move at Christmas time, in the middle of a school year, but you are going to start a new school, a bilingual school...in Grade 7.  While you think your life is over, you will survive and things will work out.  You will stay in touch with something we in 2014 will call snail mail, it will be so exciting to see the mail arrive with a letter from your friend, while you may think that Texas Instrument "thing is cool" and wow, impressive, your Mom has one of the first Apple Computers, wait to you see what 2007 will bring - a thing called Facebook where you will reconnect with so many you left behind.  You will have a computer than can sit on your lap, even more crazy, you will have screens you can touch and find out up to the minute news around the world.  Of course, that doesn't matter - because you moved in the middle of Grade 7 -and  you think your life just sucks. You will quickly realize, French Class in Truro, NS has allowed you to successfully ask to go to the bathroom, you are not quite ready for verbs and full conversations with your Moncton classmates.  And the teacher will tell the class - do not rock your chair on two legs, or it will tip - you really should listen to this advice - but since you won't, don't worry you will get over the embarrassment by the end of the school year, but falling back in your chair will feel like your life will be over for quite a few months!  This is almost as embarrassing as the fact that you are in a school that is Grades 1-9 and despite being in Grade 7, you are small and the Grade 3 student you see wearing the same outfit as you - will be devastating, this too shall pass and when you get older, you will greatly appreciate your size and figure.

Wow, 15 year old self, you are getting a bit more confidence and you are a cheerleader, and a pretty good one at that.  You can get to the top of that pyramid fairly quick and you can certainly belt out a cheer and do a mean kick.  And wow, a boy likes you...of course, you will "date" for months before you will hold hands, and you will look like 10 year olds at the Junior Prom, but this boy will be with you for many years, through high school and off to University and the best news, 25 years later, he will be married with two lovely kids, and you will be married with one little girl and you will be the best of friends and each time you get together, you will understand what a true friendship is all about and be so grateful that he came in to your life. And you get your first job, Tim Horton Donuts - while you may not realize this now, that first job taught you more than any other job will - dedication, being kind, money management, customer service, and perhaps, what you don't want to do for the rest of your life - but it was a great first job and having it on your resume will prove to be helpful.

At 16, you lost an amazing Nana, you will hate the word cancer, and you will realize and witness the extent of what losing the matriarch of a family is like.  What a devastating loss of someone so young and kind, and thoughtful and wise.  From this day forward, you will look at your own mother differently and will try not to take those around you for granted, life can be cruel and this is your first real eye opener.  And you will forever believe in ghosts and spirits, as you will be awoken the night of your grandmothers death to the touch of her stroking your hair, and you will keep the secret of this happening until you write a blog to celebrate your 40th.

You survive high school, you make the high school cheer leading squad and attend amazing dance clinics and perform at high profile events, but you sadly lose some great friends this year too, you all don't make the team and it is devastating and worse, you realize for the first time in your life, what it is like to have a friend stab you in the back, sadly, you will experience this again and again, but you are tough and will adopt an interesting attitude, one that holds grudges and keeps things bottled in, and while many will say life is too short to hold a grudge, you adopt a philosophy that life is too short to have people in your life that will hurt you, disrespect you...you get the drift.  This isn't a bad thing, just a different view.  High School certainly has its ups and downs, but guess what, it will soon be over...all the petty things that happen in the school system are left behind and while you got to travel to England and France, have some great friends, you will move on and not look back.  Oh, and don't worry about your hatred for chemistry, you will never, ever have to take another class again, and that suits you just fine.

Now, can we discuss your clothing style 17-18 year old self, green eyeshadow to match your green outfit from Cotton Ginny, with matching socks and necklace really isn't that cool, you will eventually have people asking where you buy your clothes and become quite fashionable, but if I ever see you wearing green pants with green socks, with a pink top and a matching scarf / necklace combo, I am going to have to beat you - of course, those jumpsuits and jeans that you had to roll up to make them small near the ankles will come back in style - who would have thought....but try not to follow the trends, jumpsuits left for a reason, remember that when you see them in the stores in 2014 and think, should I try it on - NO  YOU SHOULDN'T.  

In 1992, it is fairly cheap to apply to Universities, and in some cases, there are no fees, so you apply to tons and tons of universities, and low and behold, you get in to all - Queens, Acadia, UNB, and because it was free to apply, heck, boost your ego a bit and apply for a little school called UPEI.  While Acadia is looking good and you have been accepted in to their 3 year Bachelor Program and think you want to become a teacher - you come to visit UPEI and realize there are bathrooms between every 2 rooms - now, at Acadia, you will be sharing a bathroom with half a floor of girls - you don't like to share - so, the bathroom wins out and you accept UPEI's offer...  While you may have been a goodie two shoes in High School - you will be spending a lot of time on that bathroom floor in the UPEI dorms, and what a fun time you will have.  You learn to drink - it takes a lot of practice, but you will graduate from Kiwi Coolers to a Quart of Vodka by the end of your first year.  You will skip your first class, and your second, third...oh hell, you will skip a lot of classes...while you are darn lucky and you are smart enough to study when you have to, you didn't gain the freshman 25, but your marks certainly dropped by a good 25 marks.  But you make it through.  You will have your heart broken, and healed again, you will make amazing friends and dance on tables, ring in your 19th year without getting sick, learn how to play a mean game of Asshole and wow, is your liver taking a pounding.  University will be an amazing time in your life and while you will flip flop numerous times on what you "want to do when you grow up", you really question your choice of teaching, when you head out to do your practice teaching ... you really won't like kids ... probably should have volunteered more with kids before considering the teaching profession...but don't worry, at the end of the day, it really won't matter what school you received your education from, or what your final marks were, you will have a very successful career ahead and your education will get you in the door, but you are smart in many other ways, you have common sense, you have confidence and you are a nice person - and sometimes, that really does help.  You will get far because you are are a hard worker and willing to learn and you will quickly realize, while you are very proud of your years of university, some of the smartest people you will meet never stepped foot in University class, and some of the career University students, lack common sense and personality.  Never underestimate the power of common sense and being genuine at an interview!

It is interesting, but 18 year old self, 24 year old self, 27 year old self, 28 year old self, you will be blessed with some amazing relationships and well, some poor ones as well, but you have to live them all, it is just part of the journey, thankfully you will remain friends with almost all of your beau's, but try to avoid the urge to run some of them over, you will learn that landing in jail because of some boy is just not worth it... you lost a little dignity along the journey, and you allowed some mind games and negative energy to enter your life, but no worries, you will be treated with respect and kindness in the end.

Despite not thinking of marriage, you will get married, you will piss off a heck of a lot of people in the process, because you two will chose to elope, but stand tall and proud, you want to do it your way, and you really don't like people well enough to pay $30 a head / per meal... no regrets!  

32 year old self, you are leaving a career you love to take a chance at a new job, and you hate it for quite some time, you think you made a mistake, but stick with it, you will succeed and you will work hard and get noticed and move up to where your talents and abilities can shine, you will be happy not to move up further - take your time, a wise person will tell you, don't move up the ladder too quick, as you may be stuck there for 20 years, enjoy the process, and stop when you feel you are not settling, yet can still move up if you wanted to compete.  While a new career may be here, you are going to feel unwell, and your health journey will begin, you will be 36-38 before everything truly makes sense in the world of medical mysteries and you are indeed that.  Your body will be scanned, poked, invaded, blood will be drained from you veins and your fear of needles will have to take a back seat as Dr's PRACTICING medicine will try to find some answers.  It will take a while, and patience is not one of your strong points.

35 - almost 36 year old self - the shock of your life is about to happen, you are pregnant.  Now, stop crying, okay, keep crying, but try not to have daily panic attacks, you will be in denial until two days before your beautiful baby girl is born.  While you may suffer through 9 months of pre-partum depression, you will survive and you are one heck of a great Mom.  36 year old self, having a baby at 36+ is tough, but you do it!  How lucky are you to experience something you never dreamt possible, you had wonderful pets, but wow, you are a mother - to a human - that you created and nurtured.  And oh my, she is so smart and beautiful and kind and sweet.  Perhaps this was your purpose, you were to be someone's Mom.

You will have a good career, but as you will note, this letter doesn't really address this much, as you will realize at 37, it is not the priority.  While your career was number one for so long, your little girl and your health will bump your work down the list, you are fortunate though, you make a good living and it has allowed you to have a lovely home, take trips, provide for your little one but you need to start taking care of you, or all those things won't be yours to enjoy.

And look at you, 38 year old self, you are quite unlucky, but really, you always were, I think it was the mirrors you broke over the years you should have been more careful, your health has been a struggle and you hate being in the hospital, but the Dr's are doing their best to get to the bottom of your ailments.  If Auto Immune Hepatitis and Crohns disease wasn't enough, you wanted to hit number 3 and you have a serious liver disease, you need a transplant.  You need friends, but many will walk out of your life ... remember that little thing called computers, well, that is how you will stay in tough, and even that won't be to chat, you will just in passing figure out what is happening in their lives and they in yours, but you can't worry about that.  You are sick and are focussing on staying away from germs, figuring out the enormous burden medications can bring, you need friends to come to you, and if they don't, that is okay. 

39 year old self you will worry, ALOT, and despite people saying you shouldn't, being sick is scary, having a 3 year old and being sick is terrifying.  Until someone has to have monthly blood work to see if cancer may have struck, or have to sit in a chair for 4 hours to allow an IV infusion to flow through their veins, of have to heat a magic bag constantly in an effort to relieve pain, they won't truly understand what it is like to be you.  They won't understand what fear of leaving a 3 year old little girl is, or feel the emotion of what it is like to truly be terrified of what the next day will bring, or truly understand the true scope of your frustration with Dr's.  You will take upwards of 1000 pills a year, and $32,000 of medicine will run through your body.  But do you know what, you don't care....no one has to understand, no one has to offer support, no one has to provide a kind word, because the people that really matter - already have you figured out - you worry, you give, you show kindness, you care, you can be a bitch, you can be a really really big bitch, you are still here and you are 40.

So younger self, you will do pretty good, sure you will have bones that crack, and grey hair poking through, and have your fair share of medical shit, and lord, that shopping habit you have will rack up some impressive bills, but you have survived and have had a pretty darn good life.  You have been given opportunities to travel, to learn, to help others, to be a wife and mother and friend and you know what, you look pretty damn good for 40.  Happy Birthday 40 year old self, you reached your goal, everything from here on out is gravy ... ummm Gravy - on that delicious yummy poutine you are craving right now - and thanks to your great metobolism, you can still eat that and not gain an ounce.  YAHOO!


Toodles
(I will edit later, too tired to fix grammar and spelling tonight - heck, my grammar is never good - I pretty much scraped by in University English - see above - I drank and skipped class!)

To my little kindergartener ...

Welcome back to our blog, I have shamefully been away for an extended period, but a momentous occasion has brought me back - my little Greta is starting Kindergarten.  This blog was started because of a surprise little miracle, in May 2010, the month before Greta's scheduled arrival, when I was still in denial I was pregnant and in total disbelief that a hospital was going to hand us a baby and let us leave with her.  I know she was ours, but seriously, we knew nothing at all, I had pets, who were fairly self sufficient ... making bottles, changing diapers, giving a baby a bath were things I honestly ignored when friends had such tasks, and lord knows I didn't baby sit and learn these tasks, because, well, to be honest, I really didn't like kids!  Then all of a sudden we were going to be parents to a little baby girl, she would depend on us for love, comfort, food, warmth, she would need us and we were just going to wing it!

While I deep down didn't know for sure I would see this day, other miracles have taken place, and I have witnessed our stunning baby girl grow over the years in to a remarkable, funny, entertaining, sweet, beautiful, reserved, soft spoken little girl ... and a little girl who is ready for the next step ... kindergarten.  I know so many told me when she was born, "the time will fly", and I find myself telling that to others, but it is truly indescribable how fast time goes when you have a little one.  I look at her baby pictures and videos of her first giggle, first smile, then learning to walk and talk, I recall the amazing care, love and nurturing she received from her caretakers, first with Lou Lou and then with her teachers at First Friends Childcare and it feels like it has been months not years that have passed.  I recall the struggles however, and that feels like decades or worry and stress.  When Greta was six weeks old, I was diagnosed with the first of two liver diseases that I am unfortunate enough to have, diseases that will end my time with her much too soon.  My first diagnosis was scary, but I felt I had some time; when she was two, she came to visit me in the hospital and cry when she had to wear a gown, gloves and mask (a task that is not easy for adults let alone a scared toddler).  I recall her crying and screaming that she wanted Mommy, as Darren would walk her out of the room and down the corridor, but I couldn't leave the confines of my room, so pieces of my heart walked down the hall with her.  That hospital visit lead to a second diagnosis and one that was much more severe, one that will require a transplant for my life to continue, while organs and diseases are unpredictable, so are time lines.  I guess that is the miracle, as the "time line" in my worried head was grim - (I focused on the 2-5 year time line) - I have already surpassed my expectations and I thank some amazing Dr's for keeping my failing liver well enough to remain on the inside of my body and not in a dish in an operating room.  But I know my reality, and I know many people survive transplants, so that will always be a wait and see.  I have a life to live now and I am so grateful to write this letter tonight to my sweet Greta.

To my Sweet Little Girl Kindergartner,

You were, and will always be, the biggest surprise of my life, but the most rewarding and special surprise without a doubt.  The fact that the universe brought you in to my life is a marvel and I truly can't believe 5 years have passed by so very fast.  It seems like yesterday I rocked you in my arms (each night for 2 years, 7 months and a few days I must add), but I would do it all again if it meant you had a peaceful night sleep and allowed you to grow and develop in to the sweet girl you are today.  Your quiet, reserved, and soft spoken way is who you are, and it is absolutely perfect in every way and I will never apologize or make excuses for these special traits and qualities.  I love that you like to watch and observe others before joining in, and I like that you eat slow and savour your meals, I love that your memory is so detailed and exact, it scares me, as I realize my memory is not as strong, but it will serve you well in the years to come.  I love that you are sensitive and that you care about others and strive to be the best you can be. And I can't deny, as the days and month pass by, it scares me just how much alike we are, the apple does not fall far from the tree. And I can't believe on Tuesday, you will be standing at a bus stop waiting to take what seems to be the most gigantic stairs on to that big yellow bus you point at each time one passes us by ... you will be off to Kindergarten.  I just can't believe it.

On Tuesday, we begin a new chapter, one that I know you are ready for, but I deep down don't know if I am.  I am ashamed to admit, but I have laughed over the years at the Moms (and Dads) who cried and admitted crying / sobbing on a social media post because their son or daughter was off to school.  I am so happy I am physically on this earth to see you walk on to that bus and in to that big school, that I thought I wouldn't be filled with emotions, I was just going to be so grateful I made it to this milestone...but I type this with tear filled eyes, because I am a worrier, and I hover, and I fear bullies, and I really want you to wear pretty shoes with your pretty dresses, but heard you have to just wear sneakers inside (okay, one battle at a time)...  but then I relax a tad and realize you seem fearless.  You smile when you talk about school, you are excited to meet new friends and play on the new playground, and you seem to be genuinely excited about the bus.  While I am expecting a few tears and a few looks of fear to come from you, I know once you are settled, you will love school - this said you never cease to amaze me!

As parents, our goal is to raise children to make the world a better place, to be humans that we wish we could be more like, to fulfill their potential and exhaust their most precious dreams.  I will always be your biggest cheerleader, I truly can't wait to see what path you will take, I always hope it will be the good path.  My wishes for you before your arrival are no different then they are today, I want the best for you, I want you to make smart decisions and learn from the bad ones, as there will no doubt be bad ones, I want you to be kind to people and animals, I want you to be grateful for what you have, as not everyone is so fortunate, I want you to have lasting friendship, but also know when to walk away, the list is endless, but overall, I want you to be happy and smile and know that you are the most precious gift we never knew we needed, but did! 

So, on your first day of school, I may cry, I may actually sob, but you will not see me, I will be watching from a distance as you walk in to your new school in the hands of your new caretaker.  But know, my tears are because my head and heart is filled with so much pride and admiration for the amazing little girl that you are and the excitement I have for your latest adventure.  So I may hug you a little tighter, and turn away so my tears don't flow in your presence, but I know the sky is the limit for you and it is your time to spread your wings and see what contribution you can make in the world, and knowing you, it will be spectacular.

Your dress is picked out, we shall read the Kissing Hand for the 100th time the night before and then, at 8:12, you will be on your way, that yellow bus will drive you away and I may just be following ...

Love, Mommy

parent’s job is to raise children that make the world a better place, to be humans that we wish we could be more like, to fulfill their potential and exhaust their dreams. I will be your biggest cheerleader, no matter where your passions may lead and I will always be here when you need to come home. My heart will ache, it may even break, bursting with pride and love for you, my baby girl. Be patient with me. - See more at: http://www.smartmomstyle.com/a-letter-to-my-kindergartener/#sthash.gLq6z9vS.dpuf

parent’s job is to raise children that make the world a better place, to be humans that we wish we could be more like, to fulfill their potential and exhaust their dreams. I will be your biggest cheerleader, no matter where your passions may lead and I will always be here when you need to come home. My heart will ache, it may even break, bursting with pride and love for you, my baby girl. Be patient with me. - See more at: http://www.smartmomstyle.com/a-letter-to-my-kindergartener/#sthash.gLq6z9vS.dpuf

Disney on a Budget

Did I get your attention, Disney on a Budget really is a myth, but thought many may try to Google such a wish and low and behold - find this post - a testament to the Truth!!!  Disney is pricey, but I dare say - worth every penny!  It was a long awaited trip, but due to my health, just not possible until now and I am happy we waited.  Greta had an amazing time, I truly believe she enjoyed every single thing about her vacation.  A lot of firsts - First Plane Ride, First Royal encounter (surely Disney Princesses count as Royalty), First Hot Climate (Hot is underestimating just slightly - I think the Devil may live in Florida and was having a fairly pissed off week), First time having her own money to spend.... I am happy to say, all was a success, but I must do my duty to the blog followers and fill you in on what I found as a Newbie Disney Traveler.  While I expect those who frequent Disney would be certainly better advisers on planning a trip, here are my observations:

1)  Walt Disney World - Magical, exciting, the aroma of cotton candy and caramel apples seemed to fill the air, truly a stunning place and you actually feel like you are living in a dream-like fantasy world - but then you snap out of it and realize you are in the land of everyone fighting.  Yes folks, heat, walking, exhaustion makes people yell, fight, lose their temper.  While I am pleased to say Darren and I are not planning a divorce over this trip, I dare say many couples were brought to the breaking point and have to admit, Darren and I had words as well.  Go here, go there, mad because the maps don't quite make sense or standing in lines was not part of the jam packed day (and I must admit, we hardly had to encounter a line, so I can only speak to going at a slow period "September")  I can imagine the yelling around Spring Break would be worth a reality show- umm, I think I may approach NBC with this idea!!!!  And, then there was the kids, I was given a lot of advice as we were planning and tried to soak it all in, but one thing stuck in my head, "manage your expectations"...  So very true.  We did our best to go with the flow, to understand that the heat and fast pace of the day would be a lot on a little 4 year old, and she was truly remarkable and absolutely exceeding our expectations, I dare say she may have been able to keep going when we were at the point of passing out, but there were a few "stop acting or we are going back to the hotel" moments...But nothing compared to what we witnessed.  Parents everywhere were yelling, at each other, at kids, forcing them to eat at restaurants, just truly losing it.  I many times wanted to jump in and say - manage your expectations...the kid doesn't want that stupid chicken nugget so stop telling her you will be leaving (as for sure you know they would not be) ... while I felt bad each time I heard someone fighting or getting frustrated, I know it could have easily been me/us - but we took a step back and realized we had a full week, and if we missed things, we nor Greta would know the difference!

2)  It is an expensive place but there are ways to make your days a bit less expensive.  One thing I did was I took snacks, I will admit, I took way too many, but we did go through a smaller rubbermaid container of granola bars, rice krispie squares, gummies and gold fish crackers.  Each day, we traveled to the respective parks with goodies in our bags, we bought Frozen Strawberry Bars each day (delicious and cold), but when the hunger struck, it was wonderful to have snacks on hand and not have to pay an insane amount of money for a bar or chips or junk!  Water, I'm sure if $3 or $4 a bottle, but plan on buying a few each day.  While there are water fountains to replenish your bottle, if you are traveling when the temperatures are in the 40s, that cool water is well worth the money, we found the water fountains while great to quench the thirst was warm and just not refreshing.

3)  The meal plan was wonderful - but in our case was free as part of our package...we took full advantage of it and booked all of our table service meals as Character Meals.  It was a wonderful way to meet the characters, get autographs and pics without having to stand in line to meet them (granted lines were so slow when we visited, we saw characters multiple times - but if not on a meal plan, they would be extremely pricey...each meal (breakfast lunch and dinner) ranged from $85 to $150 -I can tell you, in a million years, we would never spend $150 on a breakfast, but you are paying for the experience to meet the characters...while all of our meals were quite good, here are my two suggestions - 1900 Park Fare in the Grand Floridian Hotel (first of all, an amazing resort) was the best character dinner and meal we had, dinner was with Cinderella, Prince Charming, the Step Mother and Step Sisters.  It was entertaining, fun, the food was delicious (we went for supper) and each of the "actors" spent time with each child, it was a great experience and certainly set our week off on a positive note.  If princesses are not your main objective, my next favorite experience was Chef Mickey's at the Contemporary hotel, we went for Breakfast (Breakfast are the cheaper of the meals), it was a wonderful buffet of fruits, pastries, various breakfast foods, including Mickey Waffles and the Fab 5 of Characters were there (Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald and Pluto). 

4) Now the nitty gritty - here are my key suggestions:
- As mentioned above - manage your expectations when it comes to spouses, kids, and other patrons - people are going to get grumpy
- Buy and take the most comfortable pair of sneakers you can find - insane amount of walking.  I was shocked to see many weirdo's walking around in heals - seriously, it is a damn theme park, you really don't need to wear short leather shorts and 5 inch heals (true story and sighting)...fashion out the window, sneakers and comfy clothes go on!
- You will sweat in places you didn't think was possible.  After the 2nd day, I learned to put antiperspirant on my entire body, I actually think this would be a time to purchase spray deodorant (surely that is still on the market) - take it with you to the parks, it is something you shouldn't leave home without. 
- It rains - all the time (or so I was told and experienced) during the summer / fall months...could be just a freak shower, or could be off and on rains.  Out of 8 days, we saw one day (not including night time) that is did not rain between the hours of 9-5, every other day, it rained, and the skies would open up - while some rain was lovely, others were so hard you couldn't see across the road - so, head to the Dollar Store and take rain ponchos for the entire family.  They sell them at the parks and from the 1000s of people I saw wearing them, are making a fine penny off of them, sure they have the lovely theme park name on them, but spend your $15 on cold water, not a piece of plastic
- when you are at the Dollar store - pick up a spray bottle - they sell lovely spray bottles with fans on them for $18, again, weighs nothing in the suitcase, smaller in size then the giant ones they sell and you can fill the water spray bottle up at the fountains and have a lovely cool mist all day.  Greta at times would ask for the bottle to spray herself.
- a Comfy backpack - that hubby can carry!  Had to laugh, as there were not many women carrying a backpack!  Take a change of clothes (especially if you fancy the water rides) and there are a few areas that have wonderful splash pads for the kids - Greta was soaked and no amount of heat was going to dry her off, a towel and spare clothes came in very handy!
- the Memory Maker - is a photo service, throughout the park, there are photographers who will take your picture and give you a card that you can buy photos, individually they are very pricey, but the package if bought in advance is $150 and will allow you to all be in pics...I hate my picture taken, but very thankful to have nicer photos, with everyone in them...I was encouraged to purchase this product and very happy I did!
- a stroller - other excellent advice I received - despite Greta being 4 years old and probably hasn't been in a stroller since she was 2, we convinced her it was a resting spot...best thing ever!  I can't imagine little legs walking the parks, and didn't see many, I am sure our park visits would have been cut in half if she had to walk, or we would have ended up carrying her around.  You can rent them at Disney, or there are stroller rental companies, but for younger kids, if you have a stroller that folds up, take it...the plane will sky check in and you will be very thankful to hear less complaining from your kids!

So, those are a few tips and thoughts...Our favorite parks, Magic Kingdom, followed by Animal Kingdom, make sure you get a USA phone / internet service package - great news, all the parks have WIFI !!!  Can you imagine, couldn't even make this blog funny....we had a nice trip, exhausting, I could use a vacation to recoup, but alas, the bank account is drained, the credit cards are impaired and my 40 year old body may need a year or two to recoup.  One good thing - my medical issues for the most part presented no issues...although my legged puffed up like a 9 month pregnant lady retaining 20 lbs of fluid - no fear, a few days of my leg elevated and a trip to the Dr when I go home to confirm I didn't have a blood clot (I know, I was on Google again...) happy to say, I will survive - it was yet another age thing...heat, walking, flights - legs puffed up.  I did say, if I hear one more comment that starts off with "well, when you get past 40 ...."  GRRR, who ever said 40 is the new 30 isn't living in my body and are delusional.  Exhaustion is setting in, sorry for the boring post for those not traveling to Disney, but for those that are, hope this will prove helpful.  My other public service announcement, I munched on the new Cinnamon Bun Chips that are part of the Lays vote for the new flavour while typing this blog and while they strangely do taste like Cinnamon Buns, I would rather eat a pastry and gain weight then eat the chips.  Since I don't have Cinnamon Buns in the house, I must go grab a cookie! 

Too tired to check for grammar and spelling, so for all those that pay attention to such things - suck it up, there will no doubt be errors and poor sentence structure!  Main fact is, Disney truly is magical and I dare say, a four year old little girls dreams came true, which made the trip worth every single achy muscle, stress, worry and penny spent.  Total different experience to go with a child, I enjoyed Florida as an adult previously, but to see the park and characters and rides through a child's eye changes the experience...so I encourage you, head there with friends, or family, or a spouse ....and when and if the time comes that kids are part of your lives, go again!  My goal was to be there to see Greta's face before my illness made such a trip impossible, lovely to have been able to reach this goal and actually be able to enjoy the trip as well. Special thanks to our friends and family for your support (taking care of our furry kids, looking after our home and ensuring our vehicle was picked up and delivered back to the airport and to Mom for assisting with Greta's new found spending habit - that little gal can shop - can't imagine where she learned that skill from!)

Toodles

Dear Younger self...

Well, I have hit a goal, while many may sigh and say I am a pessimist, I like to think I am a realist.  When you are told you have one disease, you say - that royally sucks, but I'll survive, then disease number two arrives, and while life altering and scary, you think - I can learn to live with this despite crohns not having a cure, but when disease number three has a terminal aspect, as there is no cure and continuous deterioration is reality and most importantly your future relies, and depends, on someone else dying so his/her family can make a difficult decision and donate their liver so my life can be prolonged - you really don't see everything as warm and fuzzy.  I am not a fool, I have great Dr's who try to sugar coat everything and then I have another Dr, namely a transplant Dr who held nothing back, I heard that they may have to remove my entire bowel, that they will continue to check for cancer in my bile ducts every month, and that while transplantation will prolong my life if I am able to get a new organ - it is not a cure, as the disease can return and donated livers do not last forever - now that I think about it - wow, was she ever bold!  So, while many days I can pretend I don't have an illness and I put a smile on my face, each time I walk buy the medicine cabinet that houses two rubbermaid containers of medicine, or the bi-weekly medical appointments I have to attend, or perhaps the pain that radiates through my entire body - I sometimes break - I get upset, I get scared and I vent, as being sick during these rough times can consume me, not because I want to dwell on being sick, but because I very much understand the reality of what my future is and it scares me (is it appropriate at this point to say "to death").  So, until you walk in my shoes, and feel the pain, and realize the fear, or share in the annoyance, it really isn't the place to judge, yet so many do ... but that isn't my post...the goal I have hit - EEKS, I'm turning 40.

While I definitely think I have aged, and being sick made me miss a hair appointment last week, which means my hair is showing signs of grey, and there are cracks and limps my body never quite experienced before - I really can't believe my 40th is within single digits!  I recall fondly my Mother turning 40 - okay, perhaps not fondly, I think it was the first day she took off in 20 years - and she cried the entire day (sorry Mom, you did!)...  So, to mark the occasion, I present to you a blog I have been thinking about for some time - a Note from my 40 year old self to my younger self....

Dear Younger Self,

Welcome to the World, you were born on a Tuesday, the same day the French President died. Chatham, Ontario will be your home, but only for a short while, as your life of moving starts in two weeks...Ontario until you are six, then off to Nova Scotia, then New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island, but don't sweat it, you won't "really move yourself" until you are 18 so you have an entire childhood to get through leaving friends, starting new schools, hating your parents for making you move - the adults will do the moving, you just have to suffer through it...so relax.

While you may end up fairly petite and skinny through school and in adult hood, you kind of look chubby during your first year, and good lord the cheeks and round face on you ... get use to it, the round face will be with you forever, not much you can do about it - well, you can, but plastic surgery has risks, think about it perhaps at 40!

Six -Twelve Year old Self, you will have a great childhood growing up in Truro, Nova Scotia and when you get older, you will realize some of the best friendships you had were from Salmon River Elementary School.  How fun to play in the woods and make forts, to attend birthday parties, to have great pets and a big orange canopy bed.  You won't believe what Santa will bring in 1986, a Cabbage Patch Doll, people will fight to get their hands on that ugly doll, literally kicking and steam rolling other humans, even more shocking, they will last for generations to come, keep things in good shape, it may be worth something some day!  Sadly future generations will want to go grow so fast, so enjoy your Barbies and Dolls, as the Grade 6 kid in 2014 will be closer to what you were like at 16.  You will live in a safe environment, where families don't lock the doors, perhaps some don't even have a key if the door was locked, the cars are huge, you could have a party for 12 in these boats, believe me, the cars of the future get smaller and more compact, and you won't believe this, but the party line phones will truly change, one day, you will drive and there will be a speaker in the vehicle - imagine, a phone ... in your car.  Not only that, you will be able to press a button from inside a house and the car will start, I'm not joking, you just wait and see.  As the sun goes down each night, parents scream from the front step to come in, their voices will be heard for blocks, you will walk home, through the yards until you find your way to your house, you don't know what danger is, you don't know terms like kidnapping, pedophiles, sure you know what a stranger is, but in the future, your kids won't be so lucky and free.  Now lets talk about hair, were you not brave enough to stand up to your mother when she "tried" to cut you hair, seriously, zig zag bangs and a bowl cut just isn't cool.  Never, ever cut someones hair with a bowl, dull scissors and for goodness sake, the person who said, just twist the bangs and cut did not know what they were talking about.  But you will survive the hair cuts, and be thankful you have thick hair, you will appreciate having a little extra when you are older.  And perhaps, don't be such a sassy brat, someday, you may realize how much your mother really does know and will appreciate that knowledge - but you still have a few more years before you figure that out, okay, so you may not really figure this out until you are 20, but it will happen.  And the braces, my goodness, those teeth need some work, not only will you be blessed with the pain of one set of braces, but because you didn't wear your retainer, you will need a second set at 16, you will officially have a smile that cost $10,000 before you are done, and the darn teeth will still be a tad off as you get older...but what an improvement.  So smile will yah! 

13 year old self, what a rough year, not only did you move at Christmas time, in the middle of a school year, but you are going to start a new school, a bilingual school...in Grade 7.  While you think your life is over, you will survive and things will work out.  You will stay in touch with something we in 2014 will call snail mail, it will be so exciting to see the mail arrive with a letter from your friend, while you may think that Texas Instrument "thing is cool" and wow, impressive, your Mom has one of the first Apple Computers, wait to you see what 2007 will bring - a thing called Facebook where you will reconnect with so many you left behind.  You will have a computer than can sit on your lap, even more crazy, you will have screens you can touch and find out up to the minute news around the world.  Of course, that doesn't matter - because you moved in the middle of Grade 7 -and  you think your life just sucks. You will quickly realize, French Class in Truro, NS has allowed you to successfully ask to go to the bathroom, you are not quite ready for verbs and full conversations with your Moncton classmates.  And the teacher will tell the class - do not rock your chair on two legs, or it will tip - you really should listen to this advice - but since you won't, don't worry you will get over the embarrassment by the end of the school year, but falling back in your chair will feel like your life will be over for quite a few months!  This is almost as embarrassing as the fact that you are in a school that is Grades 1-9 and despite being in Grade 7, you are small and the Grade 3 student you see wearing the same outfit as you - will be devastating, this too shall pass and when you get older, you will greatly appreciate your size and figure.

Wow, 15 year old self, you are getting a bit more confidence and you are a cheerleader, and a pretty good one at that.  You can get to the top of that pyramid fairly quick and you can certainly belt out a cheer and do a mean kick.  And wow, a boy likes you...of course, you will "date" for months before you will hold hands, and you will look like 10 year olds at the Junior Prom, but this boy will be with you for many years, through high school and off to University and the best news, 25 years later, he will be married with two lovely kids, and you will be married with one little girl and you will be the best of friends and each time you get together, you will understand what a true friendship is all about and be so grateful that he came in to your life. And you get your first job, Tim Horton Donuts - while you may not realize this now, that first job taught you more than any other job will - dedication, being kind, money management, customer service, and perhaps, what you don't want to do for the rest of your life - but it was a great first job and having it on your resume will prove to be helpful.

At 16, you lost an amazing Nana, you will hate the word cancer, and you will realize and witness the extent of what losing the matriarch of a family is like.  What a devastating loss of someone so young and kind, and thoughtful and wise.  From this day forward, you will look at your own mother differently and will try not to take those around you for granted, life can be cruel and this is your first real eye opener.  And you will forever believe in ghosts and spirits, as you will be awoken the night of your grandmothers death to the touch of her stroking your hair, and you will keep the secret of this happening until you write a blog to celebrate your 40th.

You survive high school, you make the high school cheer leading squad and attend amazing dance clinics and perform at high profile events, but you sadly lose some great friends this year too, you all don't make the team and it is devastating and worse, you realize for the first time in your life, what it is like to have a friend stab you in the back, sadly, you will experience this again and again, but you are tough and will adopt an interesting attitude, one that holds grudges and keeps things bottled in, and while many will say life is too short to hold a grudge, you adopt a philosophy that life is too short to have people in your life that will hurt you, disrespect you...you get the drift.  This isn't a bad thing, just a different view.  High School certainly has its ups and downs, but guess what, it will soon be over...all the petty things that happen in the school system are left behind and while you got to travel to England and France, have some great friends, you will move on and not look back.  Oh, and don't worry about your hatred for chemistry, you will never, ever have to take another class again, and that suits you just fine.

Now, can we discuss your clothing style 17-18 year old self, green eyeshadow to match your green outfit from Cotton Ginny, with matching socks and necklace really isn't that cool, you will eventually have people asking where you buy your clothes and become quite fashionable, but if I ever see you wearing green pants with green socks, with a pink top and a matching scarf / necklace combo, I am going to have to beat you - of course, those jumpsuits and jeans that you had to roll up to make them small near the ankles will come back in style - who would have thought....but try not to follow the trends, jumpsuits left for a reason, remember that when you see them in the stores in 2014 and think, should I try it on - NO  YOU SHOULDN'T. 

In 1992, it is fairly cheap to apply to Universities, and in some cases, there are no fees, so you apply to tons and tons of universities, and low and behold, you get in to all - Queens, Acadia, UNB, and because it was free to apply, heck, boost your ego a bit and apply for a little school called UPEI.  While Acadia is looking good and you have been accepted in to their 3 year Bachelor Program and think you want to become a teacher - you come to visit UPEI and realize there are bathrooms between every 2 rooms - now, at Acadia, you will be sharing a bathroom with half a floor of girls - you don't like to share - so, the bathroom wins out and you accept UPEI's offer...  While you may have been a goodie two shoes in High School - you will be spending a lot of time on that bathroom floor in the UPEI dorms, and what a fun time you will have.  You learn to drink - it takes a lot of practice, but you will graduate from Kiwi Coolers to a Quart of Vodka by the end of your first year.  You will skip your first class, and your second, third...oh hell, you will skip a lot of classes...while you are darn lucky and you are smart enough to study when you have to, you didn't gain the freshman 25, but your marks certainly dropped by a good 25 marks.  But you make it through.  You will have your heart broken, and healed again, you will make amazing friends and dance on tables, ring in your 19th year without getting sick, learn how to play a mean game of Asshole and wow, is your liver taking a pounding.  University will be an amazing time in your life and while you will flip flop numerous times on what you "want to do when you grow up", you really question your choice of teaching, when you head out to do your practice teaching ... you really won't like kids ... probably should have volunteered more with kids before considering the teaching profession...but don't worry, at the end of the day, it really won't matter what school you received your education from, or what your final marks were, you will have a very successful career ahead and your education will get you in the door, but you are smart in many other ways, you have common sense, you have confidence and you are a nice person - and sometimes, that really does help.  You will get far because you are are a hard worker and willing to learn and you will quickly realize, while you are very proud of your years of university, some of the smartest people you will meet never stepped foot in University class, and some of the career University students, lack common sense and personality.  Never underestimate the power of common sense and being genuine at an interview!

It is interesting, but 18 year old self, 24 year old self, 27 year old self, 28 year old self, you will be blessed with some amazing relationships and well, some poor ones as well, but you have to live them all, it is just part of the journey, thankfully you will remain friends with almost all of your beau's, but try to avoid the urge to run some of them over, you will learn that landing in jail because of some boy is just not worth it... you lost a little dignity along the journey, and you allowed some mind games and negative energy to enter your life, but no worries, you will be treated with respect and kindness in the end.

Despite not thinking of marriage, you will get married, you will piss off a heck of a lot of people in the process, because you two will chose to elope, but stand tall and proud, you want to do it your way, and you really don't like people well enough to pay $30 a head / per meal... no regrets! 

32 year old self, you are leaving a career you love to take a chance at a new job, and you hate it for quite some time, you think you made a mistake, but stick with it, you will succeed and you will work hard and get noticed and move up to where your talents and abilities can shine, you will be happy not to move up further - take your time, a wise person will tell you, don't move up the ladder too quick, as you may be stuck there for 20 years, enjoy the process, and stop when you feel you are not settling, yet can still move up if you wanted to compete.  While a new career may be here, you are going to feel unwell, and your health journey will begin, you will be 36-38 before everything truly makes sense in the world of medical mysteries and you are indeed that.  Your body will be scanned, poked, invaded, blood will be drained from you veins and your fear of needles will have to take a back seat as Dr's PRACTICING medicine will try to find some answers.  It will take a while, and patience is not one of your strong points.

35 - almost 36 year old self - the shock of your life is about to happen, you are pregnant.  Now, stop crying, okay, keep crying, but try not to have daily panic attacks, you will be in denial until two days before your beautiful baby girl is born.  While you may suffer through 9 months of pre-partum depression, you will survive and you are one heck of a great Mom.  36 year old self, having a baby at 36+ is tough, but you do it!  How lucky are you to experience something you never dreamt possible, you had wonderful pets, but wow, you are a mother - to a human - that you created and nurtured.  And oh my, she is so smart and beautiful and kind and sweet.  Perhaps this was your purpose, you were to be someone's Mom.

You will have a good career, but as you will note, this letter doesn't really address this much, as you will realize at 37, it is not the priority.  While your career was number one for so long, your little girl and your health will bump your work down the list, you are fortunate though, you make a good living and it has allowed you to have a lovely home, take trips, provide for your little one but you need to start taking care of you, or all those things won't be yours to enjoy.

And look at you, 38 year old self, you are quite unlucky, but really, you always were, I think it was the mirrors you broke over the years you should have been more careful, your health has been a struggle and you hate being in the hospital, but the Dr's are doing their best to get to the bottom of your ailments.  If Auto Immune Hepatitis and Crohns disease wasn't enough, you wanted to hit number 3 and you have a serious liver disease, you need a transplant.  You need friends, but many will walk out of your life ... remember that little thing called computers, well, that is how you will stay in tough, and even that won't be to chat, you will just in passing figure out what is happening in their lives and they in yours, but you can't worry about that.  You are sick and are focussing on staying away from germs, figuring out the enormous burden medications can bring, you need friends to come to you, and if they don't, that is okay. 

39 year old self you will worry, ALOT, and despite people saying you shouldn't, being sick is scary, having a 3 year old and being sick is terrifying.  Until someone has to have monthly blood work to see if cancer may have struck, or have to sit in a chair for 4 hours to allow an IV infusion to flow through their veins, of have to heat a magic bag constantly in an effort to relieve pain, they won't truly understand what it is like to be you.  They won't understand what fear of leaving a 3 year old little girl is, or feel the emotion of what it is like to truly be terrified of what the next day will bring, or truly understand the true scope of your frustration with Dr's.  You will take upwards of 1000 pills a year, and $32,000 of medicine will run through your body.  But do you know what, you don't care....no one has to understand, no one has to offer support, no one has to provide a kind word, because the people that really matter - already have you figured out - you worry, you give, you show kindness, you care, you can be a bitch, you can be a really really big bitch, you are still here and you are 40.

So younger self, you will do pretty good, sure you will have bones that crack, and grey hair poking through, and have your fair share of medical shit, and lord, that shopping habit you have will rack up some impressive bills, but you have survived and have had a pretty darn good life.  You have been given opportunities to travel, to learn, to help others, to be a wife and mother and friend and you know what, you look pretty damn good for 40.  Happy Birthday 40 year old self, you reached your goal, everything from here on out is gravy ... ummm Gravy - on that delicious yummy poutine you are craving right now - and thanks to your great metobolism, you can still eat that and not gain an ounce.  YAHOO!


Toodles
(I will edit later, too tired to fix grammar and spelling tonight - heck, my grammar is never good - I pretty much scraped by in University English - see above - I drank and skipped class!)

5 pounds of snot and counting...

Greetings Blog Followers.  It has been a month since my last confession - I mean post, and not much has changed... The snot continues to flow, the voice still sounds like a man, I have annoyed just about everyone on the 3rd and 4th floors of my work building with a dreadful hacking cough and now I type...frustrated and annoyed that month two of being sick is coming to an end and I'm afraid I'll enter a 3rd month still sick.

Not to say I haven't tried every trick in the book, I have pretty much bathed in Vicks Vapo Rub, feet, back, chest, neck, nose...cut up onions (are you imagining the aroma of Vicks and Onion together - it is awesome) ... cool mist humidifier, cough drops, had to break some rules and take over the counter meds, jugs of orange juice, 4 batches of chicken soup, NOTHING WORKED.  After 11 Doctors appts (yes, you read correct) I was given a puffer, antibiotics and then finally, 50+ days in to the battle, finally a cough suppressant.  While it has improved a tad, and the cough medicine has allowed me to rest and save my poor ribs, to the regular joe, I sound like I'm on my death bed.  I can tell you one thing - who needs a gym membership when you can cough for 2 months and blow your nose every minute - surely I have lost at least 5 lbs of snot...and you should see my abs.  AMAZING!  Perhaps not a 6 pack, but 4 pack for sure! 

Poor Greta was the little germ monster who started all of this, and she has fought her own battle, home a few days, back to daycare, then home again, few more days at daycare and what do you know...home again.  She still loves it.  She has made so many sweet little friends and is excited each morning and night, so very pleased, but oh my the sickness...I have learned however (thanks to a friend) that unless they are barfing - it is off to school...ha.  Granted, I will also keep her home if her fever is that crazy that she can't move...but I think we kept her home when she certainly could have gone.

Due to my health, I sadly haven't really had many adventures, for a few weeks my only outings included the Dr's office or a pharmacy - granted, the Dr's and Pharmacist are like family / friends, so in a sense, at least I was seeing friends!  Not many have come near (can't blame them for the germs) - UMMM, come to think of it, only 2 friends in 2 months have come to my house....The sad thing, even when I am not sick, I see the Dr and Pharmacist much more often than I see "friends".  I won't do another blog on friends, but I did read a great quote today "As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends and more important to have real ones".  I pray Greta has good friends in her life. I have had so many acquaintances, and a lot of people I thought were friends, but sadly, you do learn who and what matters over time.  I strangely, and often wonder, who will come to my funeral...will people who say they are a friend who haven't seen me in years despite living a few minutes away come through the doors ... I think I may do a funeral by invite...that way I won't have to come back and haunt all those who came to see me in a coffin, but didn't bother to make an effort while I was walking and breathing...I think I would make a good ghost, I may actually have a lot fun ... turning lights on and off, running water in the bathtub, opening closets and turning on appliances.  Watch out folks...I may not be convinced there is a heaven, but I definitely believe in ghosts! 

I do miss shopping...being sick and going out in public places is just not good this time of year, couple that with the insane bills we have coming in, it has certainly hurt my shopping ability...let me explain.

The scene - I was on my death bed (for the 100th time), fever of 102.9, trying to sleep in amongst coughing up a lung and gasping for breath in between coughs...I needed fresh air, so I asked Darren if he would open the window...he said no, I said "Do IT"...he was ticked, I was more so, I won, the window was open.  Fresh air helped and I was able to get some sleep.

The Morning arrived with Greta screaming, "DADDY"...Despite having a bed, Greta rarely will get out of bed on her own and walk through the house, while I do love this aspect of her morning ritual as I hate the idea of her just roaming through the house and us not hearing her, it is rather annoying to hear such a scream at 5:30am.  Darren went off to get Greta and brings her to bed.  Around 6am, when the alarm clocks are going off announcing it is time to get up and get ready for work, Darren yells, the pipe is frozen.  I heard this, but just couldn't figure it out...yes, the window was open, but we had heat...well, I thought we had.  When the lights go on, sure enough, water flying in all directions coming from the baseboard heater...water quickly flowing on my lovely hardwood floors that I paid a small fortune for (I picked the floor before I asked the price, but then nothing compared - of course not, because it was the most expensive)...okay, back to the story - we are quickly grabbing towels, and I yell to Darren to shut off the water (okay, perhaps not that calmly and definitely not those words), of course, his response - I don't know how...holy hell (okay, getting closer to the words I used)...Alas, the water is turned off, and I just can't understand how we ended up with a frozen pipe from a window being open for a few hours - and then it is discovered...Mr Cheapo turned the damn heat off in the room, because why waste money ... Oh my nerves...sick, was actually getting up early to go to the ER in hopes of some relief and oxygen, but now, I am cleaning up water and screaming with a squeaky voice.  Then, what does someone smart do, oh yes, he jumps in the shower, right beside the room with the broken pipe and the water starts again, sadly, as I'm now getting Greta for her day on the opposite end of the house, I do not realize the new flood of water for 10 minutes, and another leak.  Burning hot water, coming out of two cracks in the pipe...  So, yet another call to the plumbers...who of course, only get a call from our house before hours or on the weekends.  While it would be great to think the story ends there, that would involve someone having a little luck - and since it is me, well, enjoy the next part.  The plumber arrives, has to drain all the pipes in the house, I am working from home, so I disappear to review my daily emails and Darren informs him where the leak was (THE - meaning one)...he didn't chose to let him know that I saw a second leak further down on the pipe...Darren leaves to take Greta to school and I am busy working, but a little sound is disturbing, it sounds like a river ... in my house ... I put the lap top down and enter the room, actually the hall, as that is where the water greets me.  I try to scream to the plumber who is in the basement, but I can barely squeak, I'm now smashing the door, trying to keep the dog out of hot water...and finally, I get his attention and scream flood.  Would have been so wonderful if Darren showed him the second leak - or perhaps believed me when I said there was a second leak...oh well...every towel and blanket we own helped soak up the water, 2nd plumber called in and now we just wait for the bill...they left around 10:30 - should be a great one.  Oh yes, Darren survived - I am not quite sure how, I can't really say we have spoken much since that time, but he is alive! 
 
So, that concludes all I can think to share of life in our house the past month.  I have been eating a lot of french fries .... and chips, but the weight keeps coming off - while not usually something to complain about, I have been too sick to buy new clothes, so it is getting a tad annoying.  Dare say my next specialist appt, coming up in 10 days will include, "I want a full body scan, an MRI and a full blood screen - AGAIN".  Find the culprit and fix it. 

Toodles.