Dear Younger self...

Well, I have hit a goal, while many may sigh and say I am a pessimist, I like to think I am a realist.  When you are told you have one disease, you say - that royally sucks, but I'll survive, then disease number two arrives, and while life altering and scary, you think - I can learn to live with this despite crohns not having a cure, but when disease number three has a terminal aspect, as there is no cure and continuous deterioration is reality and most importantly your future relies, and depends, on someone else dying so his/her family can make a difficult decision and donate their liver so my life can be prolonged - you really don't see everything as warm and fuzzy.  I am not a fool, I have great Dr's who try to sugar coat everything and then I have another Dr, namely a transplant Dr who held nothing back, I heard that they may have to remove my entire bowel, that they will continue to check for cancer in my bile ducts every month, and that while transplantation will prolong my life if I am able to get a new organ - it is not a cure, as the disease can return and donated livers do not last forever - now that I think about it - wow, was she ever bold!  So, while many days I can pretend I don't have an illness and I put a smile on my face, each time I walk buy the medicine cabinet that houses two rubbermaid containers of medicine, or the bi-weekly medical appointments I have to attend, or perhaps the pain that radiates through my entire body - I sometimes break - I get upset, I get scared and I vent, as being sick during these rough times can consume me, not because I want to dwell on being sick, but because I very much understand the reality of what my future is and it scares me (is it appropriate at this point to say "to death").  So, until you walk in my shoes, and feel the pain, and realize the fear, or share in the annoyance, it really isn't the place to judge, yet so many do ... but that isn't my post...the goal I have hit - EEKS, I'm turning 40.

While I definitely think I have aged, and being sick made me miss a hair appointment last week, which means my hair is showing signs of grey, and there are cracks and limps my body never quite experienced before - I really can't believe my 40th is within single digits!  I recall fondly my Mother turning 40 - okay, perhaps not fondly, I think it was the first day she took off in 20 years - and she cried the entire day (sorry Mom, you did!)...  So, to mark the occasion, I present to you a blog I have been thinking about for some time - a Note from my 40 year old self to my younger self....

Dear Younger Self,

Welcome to the World, you were born on a Tuesday, the same day the French President died. Chatham, Ontario will be your home, but only for a short while, as your life of moving starts in two weeks...Ontario until you are six, then off to Nova Scotia, then New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island, but don't sweat it, you won't "really move yourself" until you are 18 so you have an entire childhood to get through leaving friends, starting new schools, hating your parents for making you move - the adults will do the moving, you just have to suffer through it...so relax.

While you may end up fairly petite and skinny through school and in adult hood, you kind of look chubby during your first year, and good lord the cheeks and round face on you ... get use to it, the round face will be with you forever, not much you can do about it - well, you can, but plastic surgery has risks, think about it perhaps at 40!

Six -Twelve Year old Self, you will have a great childhood growing up in Truro, Nova Scotia and when you get older, you will realize some of the best friendships you had were from Salmon River Elementary School.  How fun to play in the woods and make forts, to attend birthday parties, to have great pets and a big orange canopy bed.  You won't believe what Santa will bring in 1986, a Cabbage Patch Doll, people will fight to get their hands on that ugly doll, literally kicking and steam rolling other humans, even more shocking, they will last for generations to come, keep things in good shape, it may be worth something some day!  Sadly future generations will want to go grow so fast, so enjoy your Barbies and Dolls, as the Grade 6 kid in 2014 will be closer to what you were like at 16.  You will live in a safe environment, where families don't lock the doors, perhaps some don't even have a key if the door was locked, the cars are huge, you could have a party for 12 in these boats, believe me, the cars of the future get smaller and more compact, and you won't believe this, but the party line phones will truly change, one day, you will drive and there will be a speaker in the vehicle - imagine, a phone ... in your car.  Not only that, you will be able to press a button from inside a house and the car will start, I'm not joking, you just wait and see.  As the sun goes down each night, parents scream from the front step to come in, their voices will be heard for blocks, you will walk home, through the yards until you find your way to your house, you don't know what danger is, you don't know terms like kidnapping, pedophiles, sure you know what a stranger is, but in the future, your kids won't be so lucky and free.  Now lets talk about hair, were you not brave enough to stand up to your mother when she "tried" to cut you hair, seriously, zig zag bangs and a bowl cut just isn't cool.  Never, ever cut someones hair with a bowl, dull scissors and for goodness sake, the person who said, just twist the bangs and cut did not know what they were talking about.  But you will survive the hair cuts, and be thankful you have thick hair, you will appreciate having a little extra when you are older.  And perhaps, don't be such a sassy brat, someday, you may realize how much your mother really does know and will appreciate that knowledge - but you still have a few more years before you figure that out, okay, so you may not really figure this out until you are 20, but it will happen.  And the braces, my goodness, those teeth need some work, not only will you be blessed with the pain of one set of braces, but because you didn't wear your retainer, you will need a second set at 16, you will officially have a smile that cost $10,000 before you are done, and the darn teeth will still be a tad off as you get older...but what an improvement.  So smile will yah! 

13 year old self, what a rough year, not only did you move at Christmas time, in the middle of a school year, but you are going to start a new school, a bilingual school...in Grade 7.  While you think your life is over, you will survive and things will work out.  You will stay in touch with something we in 2014 will call snail mail, it will be so exciting to see the mail arrive with a letter from your friend, while you may think that Texas Instrument "thing is cool" and wow, impressive, your Mom has one of the first Apple Computers, wait to you see what 2007 will bring - a thing called Facebook where you will reconnect with so many you left behind.  You will have a computer than can sit on your lap, even more crazy, you will have screens you can touch and find out up to the minute news around the world.  Of course, that doesn't matter - because you moved in the middle of Grade 7 -and  you think your life just sucks. You will quickly realize, French Class in Truro, NS has allowed you to successfully ask to go to the bathroom, you are not quite ready for verbs and full conversations with your Moncton classmates.  And the teacher will tell the class - do not rock your chair on two legs, or it will tip - you really should listen to this advice - but since you won't, don't worry you will get over the embarrassment by the end of the school year, but falling back in your chair will feel like your life will be over for quite a few months!  This is almost as embarrassing as the fact that you are in a school that is Grades 1-9 and despite being in Grade 7, you are small and the Grade 3 student you see wearing the same outfit as you - will be devastating, this too shall pass and when you get older, you will greatly appreciate your size and figure.

Wow, 15 year old self, you are getting a bit more confidence and you are a cheerleader, and a pretty good one at that.  You can get to the top of that pyramid fairly quick and you can certainly belt out a cheer and do a mean kick.  And wow, a boy likes you...of course, you will "date" for months before you will hold hands, and you will look like 10 year olds at the Junior Prom, but this boy will be with you for many years, through high school and off to University and the best news, 25 years later, he will be married with two lovely kids, and you will be married with one little girl and you will be the best of friends and each time you get together, you will understand what a true friendship is all about and be so grateful that he came in to your life. And you get your first job, Tim Horton Donuts - while you may not realize this now, that first job taught you more than any other job will - dedication, being kind, money management, customer service, and perhaps, what you don't want to do for the rest of your life - but it was a great first job and having it on your resume will prove to be helpful.

At 16, you lost an amazing Nana, you will hate the word cancer, and you will realize and witness the extent of what losing the matriarch of a family is like.  What a devastating loss of someone so young and kind, and thoughtful and wise.  From this day forward, you will look at your own mother differently and will try not to take those around you for granted, life can be cruel and this is your first real eye opener.  And you will forever believe in ghosts and spirits, as you will be awoken the night of your grandmothers death to the touch of her stroking your hair, and you will keep the secret of this happening until you write a blog to celebrate your 40th.

You survive high school, you make the high school cheer leading squad and attend amazing dance clinics and perform at high profile events, but you sadly lose some great friends this year too, you all don't make the team and it is devastating and worse, you realize for the first time in your life, what it is like to have a friend stab you in the back, sadly, you will experience this again and again, but you are tough and will adopt an interesting attitude, one that holds grudges and keeps things bottled in, and while many will say life is too short to hold a grudge, you adopt a philosophy that life is too short to have people in your life that will hurt you, disrespect you...you get the drift.  This isn't a bad thing, just a different view.  High School certainly has its ups and downs, but guess what, it will soon be over...all the petty things that happen in the school system are left behind and while you got to travel to England and France, have some great friends, you will move on and not look back.  Oh, and don't worry about your hatred for chemistry, you will never, ever have to take another class again, and that suits you just fine.

Now, can we discuss your clothing style 17-18 year old self, green eyeshadow to match your green outfit from Cotton Ginny, with matching socks and necklace really isn't that cool, you will eventually have people asking where you buy your clothes and become quite fashionable, but if I ever see you wearing green pants with green socks, with a pink top and a matching scarf / necklace combo, I am going to have to beat you - of course, those jumpsuits and jeans that you had to roll up to make them small near the ankles will come back in style - who would have thought....but try not to follow the trends, jumpsuits left for a reason, remember that when you see them in the stores in 2014 and think, should I try it on - NO  YOU SHOULDN'T. 

In 1992, it is fairly cheap to apply to Universities, and in some cases, there are no fees, so you apply to tons and tons of universities, and low and behold, you get in to all - Queens, Acadia, UNB, and because it was free to apply, heck, boost your ego a bit and apply for a little school called UPEI.  While Acadia is looking good and you have been accepted in to their 3 year Bachelor Program and think you want to become a teacher - you come to visit UPEI and realize there are bathrooms between every 2 rooms - now, at Acadia, you will be sharing a bathroom with half a floor of girls - you don't like to share - so, the bathroom wins out and you accept UPEI's offer...  While you may have been a goodie two shoes in High School - you will be spending a lot of time on that bathroom floor in the UPEI dorms, and what a fun time you will have.  You learn to drink - it takes a lot of practice, but you will graduate from Kiwi Coolers to a Quart of Vodka by the end of your first year.  You will skip your first class, and your second, third...oh hell, you will skip a lot of classes...while you are darn lucky and you are smart enough to study when you have to, you didn't gain the freshman 25, but your marks certainly dropped by a good 25 marks.  But you make it through.  You will have your heart broken, and healed again, you will make amazing friends and dance on tables, ring in your 19th year without getting sick, learn how to play a mean game of Asshole and wow, is your liver taking a pounding.  University will be an amazing time in your life and while you will flip flop numerous times on what you "want to do when you grow up", you really question your choice of teaching, when you head out to do your practice teaching ... you really won't like kids ... probably should have volunteered more with kids before considering the teaching profession...but don't worry, at the end of the day, it really won't matter what school you received your education from, or what your final marks were, you will have a very successful career ahead and your education will get you in the door, but you are smart in many other ways, you have common sense, you have confidence and you are a nice person - and sometimes, that really does help.  You will get far because you are are a hard worker and willing to learn and you will quickly realize, while you are very proud of your years of university, some of the smartest people you will meet never stepped foot in University class, and some of the career University students, lack common sense and personality.  Never underestimate the power of common sense and being genuine at an interview!

It is interesting, but 18 year old self, 24 year old self, 27 year old self, 28 year old self, you will be blessed with some amazing relationships and well, some poor ones as well, but you have to live them all, it is just part of the journey, thankfully you will remain friends with almost all of your beau's, but try to avoid the urge to run some of them over, you will learn that landing in jail because of some boy is just not worth it... you lost a little dignity along the journey, and you allowed some mind games and negative energy to enter your life, but no worries, you will be treated with respect and kindness in the end.

Despite not thinking of marriage, you will get married, you will piss off a heck of a lot of people in the process, because you two will chose to elope, but stand tall and proud, you want to do it your way, and you really don't like people well enough to pay $30 a head / per meal... no regrets! 

32 year old self, you are leaving a career you love to take a chance at a new job, and you hate it for quite some time, you think you made a mistake, but stick with it, you will succeed and you will work hard and get noticed and move up to where your talents and abilities can shine, you will be happy not to move up further - take your time, a wise person will tell you, don't move up the ladder too quick, as you may be stuck there for 20 years, enjoy the process, and stop when you feel you are not settling, yet can still move up if you wanted to compete.  While a new career may be here, you are going to feel unwell, and your health journey will begin, you will be 36-38 before everything truly makes sense in the world of medical mysteries and you are indeed that.  Your body will be scanned, poked, invaded, blood will be drained from you veins and your fear of needles will have to take a back seat as Dr's PRACTICING medicine will try to find some answers.  It will take a while, and patience is not one of your strong points.

35 - almost 36 year old self - the shock of your life is about to happen, you are pregnant.  Now, stop crying, okay, keep crying, but try not to have daily panic attacks, you will be in denial until two days before your beautiful baby girl is born.  While you may suffer through 9 months of pre-partum depression, you will survive and you are one heck of a great Mom.  36 year old self, having a baby at 36+ is tough, but you do it!  How lucky are you to experience something you never dreamt possible, you had wonderful pets, but wow, you are a mother - to a human - that you created and nurtured.  And oh my, she is so smart and beautiful and kind and sweet.  Perhaps this was your purpose, you were to be someone's Mom.

You will have a good career, but as you will note, this letter doesn't really address this much, as you will realize at 37, it is not the priority.  While your career was number one for so long, your little girl and your health will bump your work down the list, you are fortunate though, you make a good living and it has allowed you to have a lovely home, take trips, provide for your little one but you need to start taking care of you, or all those things won't be yours to enjoy.

And look at you, 38 year old self, you are quite unlucky, but really, you always were, I think it was the mirrors you broke over the years you should have been more careful, your health has been a struggle and you hate being in the hospital, but the Dr's are doing their best to get to the bottom of your ailments.  If Auto Immune Hepatitis and Crohns disease wasn't enough, you wanted to hit number 3 and you have a serious liver disease, you need a transplant.  You need friends, but many will walk out of your life ... remember that little thing called computers, well, that is how you will stay in tough, and even that won't be to chat, you will just in passing figure out what is happening in their lives and they in yours, but you can't worry about that.  You are sick and are focussing on staying away from germs, figuring out the enormous burden medications can bring, you need friends to come to you, and if they don't, that is okay. 

39 year old self you will worry, ALOT, and despite people saying you shouldn't, being sick is scary, having a 3 year old and being sick is terrifying.  Until someone has to have monthly blood work to see if cancer may have struck, or have to sit in a chair for 4 hours to allow an IV infusion to flow through their veins, of have to heat a magic bag constantly in an effort to relieve pain, they won't truly understand what it is like to be you.  They won't understand what fear of leaving a 3 year old little girl is, or feel the emotion of what it is like to truly be terrified of what the next day will bring, or truly understand the true scope of your frustration with Dr's.  You will take upwards of 1000 pills a year, and $32,000 of medicine will run through your body.  But do you know what, you don't care....no one has to understand, no one has to offer support, no one has to provide a kind word, because the people that really matter - already have you figured out - you worry, you give, you show kindness, you care, you can be a bitch, you can be a really really big bitch, you are still here and you are 40.

So younger self, you will do pretty good, sure you will have bones that crack, and grey hair poking through, and have your fair share of medical shit, and lord, that shopping habit you have will rack up some impressive bills, but you have survived and have had a pretty darn good life.  You have been given opportunities to travel, to learn, to help others, to be a wife and mother and friend and you know what, you look pretty damn good for 40.  Happy Birthday 40 year old self, you reached your goal, everything from here on out is gravy ... ummm Gravy - on that delicious yummy poutine you are craving right now - and thanks to your great metobolism, you can still eat that and not gain an ounce.  YAHOO!


Toodles
(I will edit later, too tired to fix grammar and spelling tonight - heck, my grammar is never good - I pretty much scraped by in University English - see above - I drank and skipped class!)

5 pounds of snot and counting...

Greetings Blog Followers.  It has been a month since my last confession - I mean post, and not much has changed... The snot continues to flow, the voice still sounds like a man, I have annoyed just about everyone on the 3rd and 4th floors of my work building with a dreadful hacking cough and now I type...frustrated and annoyed that month two of being sick is coming to an end and I'm afraid I'll enter a 3rd month still sick.

Not to say I haven't tried every trick in the book, I have pretty much bathed in Vicks Vapo Rub, feet, back, chest, neck, nose...cut up onions (are you imagining the aroma of Vicks and Onion together - it is awesome) ... cool mist humidifier, cough drops, had to break some rules and take over the counter meds, jugs of orange juice, 4 batches of chicken soup, NOTHING WORKED.  After 11 Doctors appts (yes, you read correct) I was given a puffer, antibiotics and then finally, 50+ days in to the battle, finally a cough suppressant.  While it has improved a tad, and the cough medicine has allowed me to rest and save my poor ribs, to the regular joe, I sound like I'm on my death bed.  I can tell you one thing - who needs a gym membership when you can cough for 2 months and blow your nose every minute - surely I have lost at least 5 lbs of snot...and you should see my abs.  AMAZING!  Perhaps not a 6 pack, but 4 pack for sure! 

Poor Greta was the little germ monster who started all of this, and she has fought her own battle, home a few days, back to daycare, then home again, few more days at daycare and what do you know...home again.  She still loves it.  She has made so many sweet little friends and is excited each morning and night, so very pleased, but oh my the sickness...I have learned however (thanks to a friend) that unless they are barfing - it is off to school...ha.  Granted, I will also keep her home if her fever is that crazy that she can't move...but I think we kept her home when she certainly could have gone.

Due to my health, I sadly haven't really had many adventures, for a few weeks my only outings included the Dr's office or a pharmacy - granted, the Dr's and Pharmacist are like family / friends, so in a sense, at least I was seeing friends!  Not many have come near (can't blame them for the germs) - UMMM, come to think of it, only 2 friends in 2 months have come to my house....The sad thing, even when I am not sick, I see the Dr and Pharmacist much more often than I see "friends".  I won't do another blog on friends, but I did read a great quote today "As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends and more important to have real ones".  I pray Greta has good friends in her life. I have had so many acquaintances, and a lot of people I thought were friends, but sadly, you do learn who and what matters over time.  I strangely, and often wonder, who will come to my funeral...will people who say they are a friend who haven't seen me in years despite living a few minutes away come through the doors ... I think I may do a funeral by invite...that way I won't have to come back and haunt all those who came to see me in a coffin, but didn't bother to make an effort while I was walking and breathing...I think I would make a good ghost, I may actually have a lot fun ... turning lights on and off, running water in the bathtub, opening closets and turning on appliances.  Watch out folks...I may not be convinced there is a heaven, but I definitely believe in ghosts! 

I do miss shopping...being sick and going out in public places is just not good this time of year, couple that with the insane bills we have coming in, it has certainly hurt my shopping ability...let me explain.

The scene - I was on my death bed (for the 100th time), fever of 102.9, trying to sleep in amongst coughing up a lung and gasping for breath in between coughs...I needed fresh air, so I asked Darren if he would open the window...he said no, I said "Do IT"...he was ticked, I was more so, I won, the window was open.  Fresh air helped and I was able to get some sleep.

The Morning arrived with Greta screaming, "DADDY"...Despite having a bed, Greta rarely will get out of bed on her own and walk through the house, while I do love this aspect of her morning ritual as I hate the idea of her just roaming through the house and us not hearing her, it is rather annoying to hear such a scream at 5:30am.  Darren went off to get Greta and brings her to bed.  Around 6am, when the alarm clocks are going off announcing it is time to get up and get ready for work, Darren yells, the pipe is frozen.  I heard this, but just couldn't figure it out...yes, the window was open, but we had heat...well, I thought we had.  When the lights go on, sure enough, water flying in all directions coming from the baseboard heater...water quickly flowing on my lovely hardwood floors that I paid a small fortune for (I picked the floor before I asked the price, but then nothing compared - of course not, because it was the most expensive)...okay, back to the story - we are quickly grabbing towels, and I yell to Darren to shut off the water (okay, perhaps not that calmly and definitely not those words), of course, his response - I don't know how...holy hell (okay, getting closer to the words I used)...Alas, the water is turned off, and I just can't understand how we ended up with a frozen pipe from a window being open for a few hours - and then it is discovered...Mr Cheapo turned the damn heat off in the room, because why waste money ... Oh my nerves...sick, was actually getting up early to go to the ER in hopes of some relief and oxygen, but now, I am cleaning up water and screaming with a squeaky voice.  Then, what does someone smart do, oh yes, he jumps in the shower, right beside the room with the broken pipe and the water starts again, sadly, as I'm now getting Greta for her day on the opposite end of the house, I do not realize the new flood of water for 10 minutes, and another leak.  Burning hot water, coming out of two cracks in the pipe...  So, yet another call to the plumbers...who of course, only get a call from our house before hours or on the weekends.  While it would be great to think the story ends there, that would involve someone having a little luck - and since it is me, well, enjoy the next part.  The plumber arrives, has to drain all the pipes in the house, I am working from home, so I disappear to review my daily emails and Darren informs him where the leak was (THE - meaning one)...he didn't chose to let him know that I saw a second leak further down on the pipe...Darren leaves to take Greta to school and I am busy working, but a little sound is disturbing, it sounds like a river ... in my house ... I put the lap top down and enter the room, actually the hall, as that is where the water greets me.  I try to scream to the plumber who is in the basement, but I can barely squeak, I'm now smashing the door, trying to keep the dog out of hot water...and finally, I get his attention and scream flood.  Would have been so wonderful if Darren showed him the second leak - or perhaps believed me when I said there was a second leak...oh well...every towel and blanket we own helped soak up the water, 2nd plumber called in and now we just wait for the bill...they left around 10:30 - should be a great one.  Oh yes, Darren survived - I am not quite sure how, I can't really say we have spoken much since that time, but he is alive! 
 
So, that concludes all I can think to share of life in our house the past month.  I have been eating a lot of french fries .... and chips, but the weight keeps coming off - while not usually something to complain about, I have been too sick to buy new clothes, so it is getting a tad annoying.  Dare say my next specialist appt, coming up in 10 days will include, "I want a full body scan, an MRI and a full blood screen - AGAIN".  Find the culprit and fix it. 

Toodles.

Confessions of a Sickie Mommy....

Happy 2014,

Of course, every year I think - this is the year I will blog regularly, at least once a week, perhaps more, but alas, it just never happens.

Unfortunately, 2014 has not started out with many positives.  We did have a lovely Christmas Holiday, hard to believe it is here and gone.  It took days to get all the Christmas items away and boxed up for another year.  I find it is always such a let down after the holidays, the house looks bare, just no life to the walls or rooms. Of course, each time I pack away my holiday items, I wonder if that will be the last time I decorate the house, I wonder if Darren and Greta will decorate as much as I do, or just put one lonely little tree up.  Will they take the time to decorate each room, to change the pictures to the holiday ones...it stresses me out.  So, this year, I wrote notes that will be there in the Xmas Boxes if for some reason my liver disease decides that 2014 is the last year I will have.  Of course, I cried when writing them, but if I am not here next Christmas, hopefully it will be the extra motivation Darren and Greta need to decorate my house the way I always enjoyed!  If they don't, I think I will have to come back and haunt the house, until all the decorations are up!  I dare say I would make a good ghost, believe me, there are a few I would love to haunt forever!!!

The big update thus far in 2014 is that Greta started pre-school - well, pre-pre school.  We were fortunate to get a spot for pre-school in the Fall and they had an opening for her to start in January with the three year old group, so after much agonizing, we took the plunge.  I was quite concerned, after hearing so many with stories that it was a tough transition for other little ones - weeks and months of tears, I was terrified.  I knew deep down Greta was ready for the activities "school" would bring, but her "dislike" of children, loud noises and busy atmosphere's had me quite frightened.  Thankfully, her first day she woke up, was excited to go, picked out her own outfit and while a tad hesitant when Darren dropped her off and a few little tears, she went with her new teacher and had a great day.  There were a few tears the first week, but minimal compared to what I had prepared myself for.  Now, 3 weeks in, I am happy to say the transition was a success.  As she stated today, her favorite part of school is, "painting, coloring, the Music Man, and coming home!".  This is a great improvement, as Day three her reply when I asked what was her favorite part of the day was, she stated "coming home".  Unfortunately, as I suspected, on Day 4, she caught a flu bug.  It was quite the illness, high temperatures that made me feel absolutely inadequate as a parent as I truly had no idea what to do, 5 days of feeling quite sick and as a bonus - she shared it with me!  I should have moved out when her fever first struck, as it was just a day after my Remicade Treatment, and with no immunity, 17 days later I am still struggling to get better.  Learned my lesson - next time, I'm booking myself a hotel and will chat via Skype with Greta!  I won't get in to all the nasty side effects I have had, but can sum things up by saying, it was a few weeks of hell (or what I imagine hell to be like), great diet plan if someone wants to lose weight, but that is about the only benefit.  I started to feel as if I was stalking the Specialist, I even suggested he consider adopting me.

So, that is the sickie update.  But I thought it was time for a public service announcement.  I read a few parent forums, personally I am not sure why, as my goodness, these Mama's are very opinionated and can get vicious.  Topics such as food, sugar, vaccinations, discipline...can start mini riots, and of course, with the internet, people seem to be even more cruel, as I have a hard time believing most would dare say some of the things they write to someone face to face.  So, if this helps, here is my list of thoughts / opinions - I am not saying I am right (well, perhaps I am), but I am saying that they worked for us, while it may not have been in a baby book, or the popular choice, Greta is a pretty healthy little girl and we are not completely disfunctional.

- I used bumper pads - she survived!
- I heated her formula in the microwave - we shook it - it was fine!
- She ate foods before "6" months - she survived!
- She drinks juice - probably too much - but she is fine, teeth are fine
- She refuses to drink "white milk", she will only drink Chocolate Milk - she is fine - same nutritional value, just with a little color
- She has all her vaccinations - and I am happy she does!
- She doesn't eat much meat - other than chicken.  We have tried, and we no longer force it - I grew up eating only french fries (cooked in a deep fryer)- she will be fine!
- Her favorite sandwich is Cheese Whiz Sandwiches - yup, fake cheese - at least she eats something!
- She is spoiled by many people - I don't mind, unless she becomes ungrateful - that will be the day everything is packed up and sent to kids who need / want things.  For now, I feel she knows she is very lucky.
- She is a pretty good little girl, so we really haven't had to deal with the "discipline issue" but she has been tapped on the hands - and I don't feel bad - at all.  Because of the little taps on the hand, or the forceful "no, don't touch", we never had to baby proof our home, we didn't have to clear off coffee or end tables of houses we visited because she grabbed items, and I have never had one thing break in 3 years 7 months!  She was told no, and listened. 

So, not a hefty list, but a few topics that seem to be topics on the forums lately that make my blood boil.  While I certainly understand the need to eat healthy, and the rights of parents to vaccinate or not - I guess I also know that I am sick, with a chronic and potentially terminal illness and there was no diet in the world that could have stopped my illness, I would love to have a salad, but now I can't...so at the end of the day, when I'm in a hospital bed hooked to IV, believe me - I am some happy I enjoyed my french fries, chicken fingers and pop...and had my daughter vaccinated so she can still be around me when I am at my lowest. 

What are you waiting for?

For a bit over a week, I have thought about this blog post, which gives me an enormous amount of goose bumps and an overall uneasy feeling.  As I was driving home from the USA, after a very successful (too successful) shopping excursion, I truly wondered if I would make it home.  Hurricane force rains fell from the sky, and my friend Lisa and I at times could barely see the roads, my hands were clenched around the steering wheel so tight my hands continued to cramp.  When I safely landed in NB and dropped Lisa off, I headed on the rest of my journey solo, experiencing more frightening and stressful periods of rain.  As I drove alone, I started to think about all the people who have influenced me, about the individuals who have come in to my life (and some who have exited) and what impact they had on who I was, who I am today and who I may become.  Of course, the pessimistic side of me also thought, I could die, not in a year or two from liver disease, but on this trip home ... and I wondered if people truly knew what impact they have made on my life.  I started to think about what I would tell people, what I would want people to know.  I of course, arrived home and didn't put the fingers to the keyboard, so nothing was written.  That is until now.  Tonight, one of my oldest friends on the Island (and by oldest, I mean I have known the longest) called to let me know that the lady who was responsible for my career path in employment / career counseling, who recommended me for a position at Social Services, who took me under her wing and passed on more wisdom on how to treat those less fortune with respect, dignity, kindness, genuineness, had passed away this morning.  To say I was in shock was an understatement, I think there are people you think will just always be there, that I would always see again.  I think the feeling of shock was magnified as I have thought of this mentor numerous times over the past few days, almost strangely, as I haven't seen her in a few years.  Through her daughter, I have passed on my hello's and well wishes, and caught up on the latest news, but I oddly since my trip home last week from the States kept thinking I really need to send her a letter, or to stop by the youth group she works with to say hello.  I was angry with myself that I hadn't made that visit, or hadn't sent that letter.  I know she knew how much she meant to me, I told her many times and recently told her daughter how much I admired her Mom, but what a strange feeling, it was as if my mind was telling me something just wasn't right, and that I needed to make a visit happen.  And now it is too late.  I also have to face reality, I have no idea when my time may come to an end, I perhaps have a very long life ahead, perhaps I will have a few liver transplants, maybe I have a few years before my health deteriorates, reality is - you just never do know.  What would you do if you knew you didn't have tomorrow, who would you call, what would you want people to know?  Who has meant something in your life....do they know?  Do you have regrets...do you have time to turn back the clock?

So, here it goes, while I can't possibly name each person, if I was to leave this earth tomorrow, I need to say:

Greta - you are the reason that I fight to get better, the reason that I want to survive my medical hurdles.  You are the most beautiful, sweet, smart, little girl and while we may have had a shaky 9 months before your arrival (and I was fearful you were going to be a little alien from your early profile pics in my belly), the day you were born, a Mommy was born as well, and I would not change the experience for anything in this world.  You truly are a miracle baby, and each day make me smile, laugh and realize just how lucky I am that you chose me to be your Mom.  I hope that despite being spoiled, you will also be grateful for what you have, appreciative of what you have been given, and for the opportunities you will be guided towards.  I will always live amongst the stars.

Haley - To my favorite niece...you changed our family the second you were born - and absolutely for the better.  You are so very special to so many people.  I hope you always have your confidence, your determination, your interest to try things, I wish I was as outgoing and energetic as you.  You are going to achieve what ever you set your mind too.  I hope you know what an amazing individual you are, and all those who have a chance to know you will see that!  You are beautiful, inside and out, and I am so proud I am your Aunt.

Darren - You certainly got the rotten end of the deal of "in sickness and health"...why you have stuck by me defies reason, and deserves a reward that does not exist. You are the most amazing Daddy, and I know Greta could not possibly have a bigger supporter, fan, play mate, confidant, provider and loyal parent, we are both so very lucky to have you in our lives and I will be forever grateful that we shared this journey together - the good, the bad and the ugly.  Thank you for being by my side when I least deserved it and for being the best friend I needed!

Mom - Everything I am or hoped to be I owe to my Mother.  You work too much,  you need to stop, life is too short!  However I  know work has allowed you to provide us with every opportunity or experience we could have ever imagined.  Your kindness, support and thoughtfulness is unwavering and always has been.  I see myself doing things that mimic you every day, and for that, I am so very proud.  You mean the world to all of us... Now - Retire and start living....you can still shop on a Pension!

Aunt Peg - The matriarch of our family, the glue that has no doubt kept us all together.  And everyone's favorite!  My favorite memories of Port Elgin included dashing in to Nana and Grampy's house, saying our quick hellos and running up through the beaten path to your house.  I look at that field now and there is no beaten down path, but I still "see" it and imagine us running - I mean despite there rarely being a car on the road - we always did the path, never the road!  You are the most special, caring and supportive individual, I love that Greta will grow up knowing how special you are to all of us, and experience the visits to Port Elgin, the delicious cookies in the cupboard and who knows, perhaps a beer or two when she is old enough...How lucky we are to have someone like you to look up to!  

Chris J - My dearest friend, who has been part of my life since we were 14 years old.  Your friendship and support has meant more to me than I could ever articulate.  It is amazing to look back, we could never not be friends, we know too much about each other - it could be dangerous.  I have absolutely loved being a part of your journey, your successes, your marriage to your soul mate, your journey to fatherhood.  I am so happy I was part of your journey and you a part of mine.  Someday we will be able to tell Greta, Emily and Ethan how in the "old days" there was something called a land line telephone, and we would chat until the wee hours of the night, fall asleep, and start talking again in the AM.  Ha, too funny - can you imagine - that type of phone is already classed as "retro"...see what the next generation will miss out on. 

My elementary school friends - I love Facebook for many reasons - but mostly for each of you!  While our paths have found us from coast to coast, I have some of the most amazing memories of Salmon River Elementary in Truro, NS = birthday parties, Barbie Dolls, playing when your parents let you stay out to dark and you would hear the parents as night fell scream out names to come home.  I dare say we will never see that day with our children, but what a wonderful childhood and a great place to grow up.  I absolutely love that via social media I have been able to reconnect with so many of you and share in your adult lives, see your children grow up, and share in some wonderful and sad events.  I also have to say, I admire so much what strong friendships you all have, as I grew older, I always hated the fact that I moved so much, and still wish I had that life long friendship I see so many of you share with each other.  Know that when I see you writing each other, about planning your visits or making plans to get together, it puts a smile on my face each time and I always think how amazing it is that your best friend from elementary school is still your best friend. 

University connections - as a "come from away" - arriving on little ole PEI, and moving in to the dorms was the time of my life.  My first drink...my first time skipping class...my first 50% on a math exam....what a grand time!  I loved "just about" every minute of university (well, at least the social aspect).  If I had a bucket list back at 18, I am sure I would have knocked off most of that list during my first 2 years.  I miss drinking games, and skipping class to watch the soaps, I miss decorating the doors for Christmas, I miss playing cards and listening to George Jones while we drank vodka and jack daniels!  I miss bad cafeteria food and knowing that Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, we always had plans and they were always great plans!  I am also thankful I never got hangovers!  I miss Hotels, and Asshole, and Caps...perhaps if the day comes that I can have a drink again - we should have a little reunion and move in to Bernadine Hall...granted, I lived mostly at Marion Hall - but it is not offices - so that may be looked down upon!  To all those who shared my University Days with, you all have meant so much and I am thankful for the path we each had.

To my special friend, Janet - For years, I would always say to people, Janet - my neighbour, then it was Janet, my old neighbour....but of course, you are so much more than that.  My friend, my second mother, Scarlet's favorite babysitter, our helper...you mean so much to all of us and we are so thankful that Belvedere Avenue brought you in to our lives.  Thank you for everything you have done for us, and continue to do. 

My co-workers, Tracey, Renilda, Colette, Tracy - it feels like we have been together for such a long time, I guess a few of us have been, how wonderful it is to go to work and have friends who are true and genuine.  I am so very fortunate to have met each of you, to share our laughs, our lunches, and even better - our spare time together - a sign of true work friendship - when you actually like each other enough to do things after hours together....ha!  And best yet - we have all shopped together! 

To those who have broke my heart - well, just thought I would let you know, it all made sense in the end....to those young gals reading this - your heart will be broken many times, healed again, and broken again....and it will all turn out just fine!  I have cared for many people and have had amazing relationships, amazing families that I felt part of, that have guided me and influenced me in various ways.  I think I have taken something from just about everyone I shared my life with, and I look through my house at times and think - that is what so-in-so would have done.  I will hold a special place in my  heart and thankful to those who I still consider a friend - to a few however - be thankful we don't run in to each other, I could accelerate instead of brake!!!  HA!  Kind of just joking.

And to my mentor, Clara, I dedicate this post to you.  Your legacy will live on, your memory will live on ... the lives of so many were directly impacted because of your passion to help others.

Toodles

I hope....

I forewarn, this could get sappy...my fingers are going to start typing and I am not going back to fix typo's or grammar (heck, I never fix grammar - I was no English Major!!)

Each time my health takes a dip / turn I start to worry, while some are kind and say I am positive or brave and have a good outlook, that is bull...I am a pessimistic worry wart and wonder if I will awake the next morning.  I am scared to death of dying, of leaving Greta, of leaving Darren with a 3 year old to raise on his own, I am scared she won't remember me and if she will someday call someone else Mom.  I worry about who will make sure she has a good wardrobe and if losing a mother at such a young age will mean she will become a drug addict by 10.  See, my mind is full of it ... I just worry, all the time, if my blood pressure was not so drastically low to start with, I would be concerned my heart and head could explode, as I can sometimes feel the pressure rising...this has been one of those weeks.  While I hardly needed another medical hurdle on my medical chart, an unexpected annoyance has popped up and I found myself in dreadful pain ... have I experienced worse pain - definitely, but that involved an inexperienced Dr putting an extremely large biopsy needle through my stomach, in to my liver, only to miss and me screaming in pain because I could feel it - then had him inject more lidocaine in to me causing an almost deadly allergic reaction - so, yes, I have had more pain, but this week has sucked!  But, alas, when I worry lots, I wonder, is this the time I need to start writing letters to Greta for each of her birthdays and tucking them away, should I go buy her birthday presents and milestone occasion gifts for her graduation day, her wedding day, the birth of her first child...I will want to do this, but if I do this, does this mean I give up and I think I won't survive much longer...so much stress!  I have decided to start buying her jewellery, if I am around to give it to her, wonderful, if not, Daddy can give it to her when she is old enough to take care of it and appreciate it.  I guess I will hand over my carat to her as well ...certainly won't get buried with diamonds..ha!

I did have a purpose to my blog tonight, I thought since it was such a long time since I wrote out my wishes for Greta (a few days before she was born I do believe) I thought it was time to pass along a few life lessons / wishes (I really do hope I'm here to tell her each of these as she gets older, at the appropriate time, but if not, I hope she will live life to the fullest and will enjoy the blog posts as she gets older)  Now, please, do not get offended, just because I don't want Greta to be a tattooed freak, does not mean I think all those with tattoo's are freaks or bad people - perhaps I just think you have bad taste and forget someday you will be 80...but seriously (okay, that was serious) but really seriously, these are not meant to offend people and I'm certainly not talking about people...these are my wishes and life lesson's, some I have fortunately / unfortunately experienced, others I wish I had!  To my niece Haley, these are for you too....although some you may have already by-passed.

1.  Find a few good friends and stick with them through thick and thin.  There will be a lot of people who pretend they are your friend, or will be your friend when they need something, but if you are lucky enough to just have one or two that you can trust, be thankful.

2.  Tell the truth

3.  Learn a second language

4.  Go to school dances and dance.... (I never did, and I think I missed out)

5.  The geeks really are the nice guys, who will be by your side when you need someone the most. 

6.  You usually will get back together with an ex....in many cases you will also quickly realize why they were an ex.  If this happens - escape - quickly!  If you are fortunate however, you will realize you were just better friends, maintain this friendship, he knows too much about you and you need a friend to get you through the next relationship!

7.  When a Dr says it won't hurt - it will....but only for a short while.

8.  If you believe strongly in something or someone - fight for it/them. 

9.  You may fail, that is okay...life will go on and the world will not end.  It is only a test, only an exam, only a job interview, only a date....it is all part of the grand plan.

10.  Believe in something - Santa, angels, life after death, something...

11.  Be smart with your money, but if you really want something, buy it....life is too short.

12.  Send Christmas Cards - not Email Cards, real Christmas Cards where you have to actually write your name.  I pray that there will be such a thing as snail mail and stamps when you get older....but until they disappear, make this a tradition!

13,  Don't rely on the computer to communicate - talk to people, write notes, use a phone book and call friends.  Technology is going to ruin human interaction, make an effort to make real connections!

14.  Don't underestimate the power of a kind gesture, send flowers, write notes, make a call, it could brighten the darkest day.

15.  Smile at strangers, you never know, it may be the kindest thing that happened to them all day.

16.  There is an appropriate time to dance on tables - do it, as long as you won't get arrested!

17.  Don't do drugs - ever!  There is no need for it, you are smart, beautiful, independent, you don't need it!!!!

18.  Don't smoke cigarette's - I mean it.

19.  Enjoy an Alabama slammer (when you are of age)...nothing like a bit of Jack Daniels and Brandy to make you happy...but at 19...not before!  Lord, could I ever use one!!!

20.  Never drink and drive - there is always someone to call, even if you get in trouble, it is better then you dying or hurting someone else.

21.  Always wear a seat belt

22.  There is really no reason for body piercings and tattoo's...you will be old and wrinkled someday, just remember that!

23.  Stop caring what others think of you and be proud of the person you are (wish I practiced this)

24.  Self Confidence is the most admirable trait, know you are fortunate and smart and beautiful and the world is yours to explore.

25.  Don't ever bully, a bully will always be just that...a bully!  Do you really want such a label.  The nice kids, they will be sitting across a table interviewing that bully someday, and guess what, karma is a bitch.

26.  Holding a grudge isn't always a bad thing...life is too short to accept people being rude, hurtful and deceitful towards you.  It may be hard, but walking away from friendships or acquaintances can be good for all parties.

27.  Rubbing alcohol helps with blemishes / pimples.

28.  Learn to cook and bake...find a few recipes that everyone will always want you to bring to the party.

29.  Go big at Christmas.  Decorate, bake, wrap gifts until the wee hours, sometimes giving and finding that perfect gift is just as exciting as unwrapping the presents - actually, in my case, it is the best!

30.  Education is important, but having common sense is even better!  Ideally, I hope you have both!

31.  Recognize that those who consistently brag or make you feel less of a person are doing so because something sucks in their life.  You are just as smart, just as educated, just as experienced as they are - everyone just has different circumstances.

32.  Some people are just assholes or jerks - that is there problem not yours.  You don't have to like them!

33.  You have to work hard for what you want...life will not hand you stuff, you need to put the effort in to achieve great things.

34.  Always be kind to pets, the reward will be a companionship that will put a smile on your face each day.

35.  Go on trips, it may be an hour away, 10 hours or via a plane, if you want to see the world, start saving and make it happen.

36.  Always be honest at the International Borders....paying a little duty is so much better than having your car searched!

37.  Try different foods, you may surprise yourself, you may actually like something you said you hated.

38.  Make memories and capture them.  Take as many pictures and video's as you can, and if you print pictures, always write the date and who is in the pic on the back - you will appreciate this when you are older!

39.  Find a job you love and it won't feel like work.  (ahh, those were the days)

40.  Let those around you know how much they mean, before it is too late.

41.  Don't live with regrets....if you can change something, do it.

42.  You will get a pimple when you least want one, you will have a bad hair day, and your clothes won't fit right - it all sucks, but you will survive.

43.  There is nothing like a country tune to lift your spirits.

44.  Grease and Dirty Dancing are two of the best movies ever....watch them, over and over and over!

45.  Find a hobby, play an instrument, participate in a sport - do something that makes you happy outside of school or work.

46.  Start getting facials in your 20s, your skin will thank you when you are older!

47.  Be grateful for the kindness people show you, for gifts, for assistance ... and send thank you notes!

48.  Remember the good times, they will get your through the bad times.

49.  Have a child of your own - even if you think you hate kids - you will love your own!

50.  Remember me when I am gone, and know that I will live someday amongst the stars and will always be so proud to be your aunt / mother.

Toodles.

Update required....I shouldn't have stopped at 50 - thought of a few more, so we are now at November 8, 2013 and here are a few additional tidbits for "my list"....

51.  Vanilla is an amazing staple that should always be in your cupboard, Watkins is my favorite - add an extra splash to cookies, cakes, pancakes - just about anything!  And it will make your house smell devine.

52.  Want your house to smell wonderful for guests who announce they are 10 minutes away - boil a pot of water and cinnamon on the stove, will make it seem like you based all morning

53. Try to eat healthy - but don't deny yourself treats!   Life is definitely too short, just think of all those ladies who passed on the sweet table while on the Titanic - you will enjoy that piece of cake!!

54. Always recognize birthdays - and for lord sake, if Facebook is still around I don't mean say Happy Birthday on a Wall to your best friend - pick up the phone, send a card, a gift, acknowledge it - it will mean a lot to people that you remembered.  To remember - make a list, mark it on a calendar, we have become a society who relies on Facebook to tell us when a special occasion is upon us!  And don't post your birthday on such a site - your real friends will remember!

55. Always vote - if you don't, you have no right to complain!  And don't vote for a party - vote for a person!  Well, or in some cases - vote against a person! 

56.  You will no doubt understand through your first job and perhaps many jobs after that what it is like to work for minimum wage - who knows what that will be when you grow up - my first hourly wage for $4.25/hour.... lesson here - treat those who make minimum wage with the utmost respect - I tell you from experience (not my proudest moment I shall admit), but tick them off, expect bugs in your soup, donuts that were on the floor or food that is ready to expire on your plate or in your take out bag!!!  And that girl/guy working at Tim's or McD's, could someday be your boss!!!  Everyone has to start somewhere, just make sure you are nice along the way.  It doesn't matter what the salary is, what the level is...everyone has something to bring to the table and should be treated with respect! 

57. And if Government ever becomes an employer of choice again, and you chose such a career - I will haunt you forever if you become a "level person"...I mean it.  EVERYONE has to start somewhere, when you start to "climb the infamous ladder", don't forget you were once in the entry role!  And if you don't want to climb the "ladder", good for you!

58. Wear sunscreen!

59. There are a few things I am so thankful I have experienced - I have traveled to England and Europe as a teenager, I have been to Disney, I have been laid off a job - I got pissed and found a better job, I have had to make tough career decisions and had to test out "if the other side was greener" (just a heads up, it isn't always greener on the other side - just appears to be better mowed), I have had great relationships with amazing individuals, I moved away from home at 18 years of age and made my home in a different province and absolutely had the time of my life in University - even managed to get an education in amongst the fun, I have and feel confident I can survive just about anything that comes my way (while some things may be taken out of my hands to fight) - most hurdles, you can get through with a little determination and confidence...and definitely, who would have thought, I had the opportunity to experience Parenthood (and I think I did pretty damn good).

60. Take every piece of advice you are offered, or just told, with a grain of salt...

61.  Never cheat - not on tests, exams, scrabble or on a boyfriend.

62. Give....generously, charitably and anonymously.  Give because you want to give and make a difference, not to be recognized.

63. PJ bottoms are for bedtime - it is not a fashion trend - do NOT WEAR PJ BOTTOMS OUT IN PUBLIC.  While we are at it...spandex isn't for everyone, nor are skinny jeans and belly tops...chose wisely, I would like you not to end up on the "Friends of Walmart Site"

64.  For lord sake, order French Fries - frig the salad!

65.  When you are posing for photos, or "posting" photos - keep in mind who will see them...your parents, grandparents, potential boss, chair of the scholarship fund...be smart. 

66. You may think you are having a bad day, but remember, there is always someone worse off then you...it will make your troubles seem like nothing at all. 

67.  Watch the fashion trends and don't fall for them all....use common sense - leggings are not pants, this fad better go soon, spanx on the other hand - love them!!! 

68.  Start a memory box...if technology disappears and your first love notes are once again on paper, rather than a text - you will love to read them as an adult.  There is a fine line between being a hoarder and just keeping some sentimental items (or all of them in my case)

69.  There are a few things you shouldn't go cheap on - Ketchup is the first that comes to mind, but spend money on nice purses, quality shoes and good make up...oh and real spanx.

70. Follow your gut - I fully admit, I haven't always....but I hope you will.  Even if you think the world will end if you do follow it - it will all work out in the end.

Now, signing off for the 2nd time...
Toodles!

Public Service Announcement - You think you have it all figured out until you have a 3 year old!

Terrible two's - pffft, walk in the park.  Three's, oh yes, three is where it is at...Lets get ready to rumble!  I bring to you the facts that no one bothered to tell me (until I'm experiencing it - I am a planner - the warnings would have been appreciated) - that the terrible two's are nothing, it is the 3s where the real magic happens (of course I can only comment on the 3's (now that we are almost 4 months in, but I have been kindly warned, until they are about 20 they will still give you grief).  I have become convinced the only reason the 3s didn't get an official "title" like the infamous Terrible Two's did is that the person who coined the term ensured the kids didn't make it to 3, if they had, it would have been the torturous mind numbing 3s, the f'n 4's, etc...you get it...it actually can get worse before it gets better!

Now, I have to fully admit, I judged...oh yes I did, I would see "those" parents with their kids (aka, psycho's, orangutans, screaming monsters, bossy brats, fill in the blank _______) and think, if in some la-la land if I ever became a mother, which was virtually impossible, my imaginary kids would NEVER ACT LIKE THAT, or DO THAT,  or SAY THAT.  Who am I kidding? I still do that, while I am reminded quite often, and both from watching / judging and by experiencing, I do know we have it good, Greta has had one mild temper tantrum,  knows how to be respectful, is kind hearted and shy (while this does have some negatives, the positives are she is too shy to act out in front of people and hates people "watching her" - so this is perhaps why we haven't had any questionable moments in a store, restaurant, etc)....but, she is now 3 and with this lovely age comes a lot of actions that are less than desirable...And since no one told me, I will assume those reading also were not informed.  So I write this to help you prepare, stock the liquor cabinet, plan your escape route, get good meds, buy more liquor, and get a buddy system, as some of this stuff just doesn't get talked about and you really need to pass this crap by someone - while you may not want to compare yourself to another mother, you will appreciate hearing this shit happens to other people.  Oh, and if you are long past this stage, perhaps you are sitting back, with your glass of wine and can laugh and say, you amateur!

Not that anyone asks for my advice, I mean seriously, I'm sure I broke every "Perfect Mom Rule" in the book - I used bumper pads, I formula fed, I heated bottles in the microwave, I didn't put the handle of the car seat down, I allowed the animals to sleep next to her and she no doubt swallowed enough cat hair to cough up hair balls, I didn't make my own baby food, I didn't baby proof my house, lord, shall I continue!  I did move my liquor cabinet for the record - granted, that was just a few months ago, but as most know, I have one healthy little gal, smart as anything, is gentle with animals and other people but she is now 3 and her life expectancy some days is questionable!  (Okay, that part is a joke, my life expectancy is short, hence the reason I can laugh sometimes and think, I may only have a few more years of this crying, diva like attitude, etc).  But, if I was asked for advice, I promise, I wouldn't be saying "your life will change forever, you will get sleep in a few months...oh no, I'm going to damn well tell the truth, so here it goes (again, I feel for those that have it worse, and I know some of you are no doubt struggling to put your three year old to bed at 10pm, that some probably cleaned up after their 3 year old threw their food across the room or just hit their baby sister), but 4 months in, this is what no one else wants to share:

1)  They should have a show called Toddler Hoarders - yes folks, kids like to hoard things.  I was that mother who said, "my house will not look like a day care centre"...now, thankfully due to the set up of our home, it doesn't, although start to go through that closed door and wow, it's flippin Toys R Us...And I am the main culprit.  The child has enough toys to ensure it feels like Christmas each day, open a new box and wow, there it is, something new!  I actually think the toys are like rabbits, they just keep multiplying...and be warned, you have enemies - oh yes, there will be those that give you those annoying toys - you know, the ones that require BATTERIES - holy hell, unless you absolutely hate someone, don't give toys with batteries, because toys with batteries make noise, annoying noise...now there are some acceptable toys with batteries, those are the ones with a secret on/off button, but only those are acceptable.  Then your relatives will conspire to increase the toy volume in the house, just because the item was so irresistible.  I think I am going to adopt a new rule, for every gift Greta receives, the person giving it has to take one toy to their house (I vote for the ones with batteries that wiggled their way in the door)...this may stop some of the insanity.  And the biggest secret to three year olds toy collections - they like the Dollar Store toys just as much - if not better.  I always love when Greta bypasses the Strawberry Shortcake Collection that I think is worth approximately $400 at last count for the squishy, dirty, cat hair filled ball like Caterpillar.  Just when I think I can throw the filthy thing out, she finds it again!  Oh yes, and the more toys, the more bins / baskets / organizing "pieces" you obtain.  I will say, in our case, I do like them as Greta keeps a mighty tidy play room, but they are overtaking the playroom!  Now, don't think (like I did) that all the toys would stay in the "designated bin", there will be that day when the child will say, I want that princess ball and low and behold that sucker is not in the ball bin...AHHH.  For those with OCD, save yourself now, chop up the credit cards and never, every visit Walmart or Toys R Us with a child, you won't be able to handle the toy population!

2)  Food for Tots - nothing shocks me more than to see Greta finish 90% of her meal and totally out of the blue push the plate away and announce, "I don't like that"...well, you liked the first 10 bites, as you have for the past 2 years and now all of a sudden you don't like that!  Seriously.   And the foods that you swore you would never feed the kids, oh yes, you will buy them, first out of ease and then second because gasp, they are the favorite foods...Greta asks for a hot dog at least 4 nights out of the week...I shall spare you my teaching experience where the class made hot dogs, I am still traumatized by the experience, so I get a little gag reflex each time she asks for one.  Not that we give in, but sometimes we do, it's not worth the fight.  And it is amazing, we quite often hear, "I don't like that"...of course, she hasn't tried it but then when she wants to have chocolate for dinner and you find yourself negotiating that if she tries a bite, she can have a piece of chocolate, you know you have succeeded in parenthood! SIGH!  And is it just my house, or do all kids do this, she is full from her meal and I sit down to eat (most nights about an hour later) and low and behold, she pushed away her food, but now wants to dine off my plate, or drink my juice....SERIOUSLY!  I remember my aunt saying, "I just wanted to eat a hot egg"....I get hot food on the plate, but then it is usually shared however with the dog, Greta and what remains is cool!  No wonder I have been losing weight.

3)  You think you have it easy because your 4 month old is sleeping through the night - you sucker!  They will awake at night again, that is a ploy, just gets you comfy to think you have this great kid who slept through the night early, but let me guess, they have no teeth yet - oh yes, they will get up...but what is more annoying, just as you get comfy and think you have a sleeping toddler angel on your hands - BAM...they start to wake up again.  Now with screams, "Mommy, I have to pee"...so you have to pee at 3 am, awesome, great job that you have bladder control and want to go to the bathroom instead of having an accident in bed, but do you seriously have to stay up for the day, or request to play or watch cartoons....or perhaps, you feel a sense of accomplishment when the pee break is just 15 minutes and they are back to dream land, but don't get too comfy, cause they will be awake again at 5 am...."Mommy, Daddy, I'm scared, come get me"...I swear, I had more sleep when Greta was 10 days old than I do now.  No lie...so, enjoy your sleep while you can, it can get worse, much, much worse!

4)  A 3 year old is needy - do you know how needy this age is - 100 times worse than a newborn, of course you have to cuddle, rock, change, bath, feed a baby, but at 3, they now tell you EXACTLY  what their needs are, believe me, so much more enjoyable when you had to figure it out through cries.  Now, it is, I want to play with this one particular toy, not any toy, the toy that is impossible to find because it is an inch high and the same damn color as 100 other toys in the bin.  Let me give you an example, "Mommy, I can't find Dora, can you help me find Dora?"  "Sure sweetie, oh, here she is"..."no, not that Dora, the other Dora", the search continues.. "here you go, I found Dora"...the attitude starts, "I said the one with the purple shirt, the blue shorts and the flower on her"...oh yes, that f'n Dora, the one we lost 6 f'n months ago, never to be seen again, but today, that is the only Dora that will do.  Now, in most cases, I would run to the store and buy 10 friggin Dora's, but oh no, this one is 12 years old, a hand me down from my niece..there is only one!  That is the needy I'm talking about.  I could have devoted the entire blog to neediness... I want the strawberry shampoo, not the smurf shampoo, I want the pink shirt not the white shirt (that for the record was picked out with her approval the night before), and lately, I want to wear my dress coat everywhere....go for it darling...it is cute, who needs a formal coat to be in good shape, go play...really, this I don't mind, she looks cute and it can be washed!  And be warned, the need factor usually rises significantly the moment you sit down, get on the phone, go to the shower, etc...they never need anything while you are with them, they seem to pounce like a cat.  This is also the time I should say, you don't get to shower or have a relaxing bath alone for at least 3 years and I fear it may be longer, but I can't talk from experience for the longer just assuming as I don't yet feel there is an end in site....I long for the day that I can just relax in a hot tub, without a toddler sitting on the stool, asking to smell the soap, or wanting to draw something on the tub wall, or for me to play with rubber duckies, or the best pointing out that I have "big lumps"...

5) Three year olds do not lie - while this is an admirable trait, you have to realize does not lie also means, no filter...I have been told this past week that my legs were itchy (aka, hairy), my shirt looked like a Zebra, that I can't sing and that I was speeding and that was just in 24 hours....to maintain some amount of self dignity, I won't share other comments my sweet, adorable, way too honest daughter had to say.  Now, this is not necessarily a bad trait, you want to know what is going on, send the private investigator 3 year old on the case, but be prepared for the entire truth, it may not be pretty!  Of course, they don't just leave this honesty is the best medicine trait for the house, oh no, Greta has no issues telling others I can't sing, that I have big lumps and no doubt is off announcing the color of my underwear to her little friends - because oh yes - you won't get to dress by yourself for awhile either!

6)  Get a share in Band aids - Greta, thankfully has never really hurt herself.  No major falls, no big cuts, a few minor little bruises, but relatively lucky, but now that she is a 3 year old, she thinks a hang nail requires a band aid.  She at one time was fearful of band aids, now I think she goes through a few a day.  The good thing, band aids do cure absolutely everything, especially if they have Dora on them, so while worth the cost, running out of that special Dora band aid when a "real injury" happens (aka, she stubs her toe), a 3 year old diva attitude quickly turns the incident in to a life threatening event if the proper band aid is not available.  Lesson - stock up!

7)  Clothing - this I admit was a big judgement on my behalf...you know the kid who is wearing 5 different colors, or pjs for the 5th day in the row, out in public....toddlers think they have a sense of style and believe me, they know what they want.  Now, I have stocked the closet with pieces that I like, so you would think this would be okay...however, we are now in the dress phase, and if it isn't a dress, skirt or tutu, it isn't worn.  We still wear pants, but that means a tutu is part of the outfit.  While I have yet to have her leave the house in pjs, or dirty clothes, she has a mind of her own and can be mighty strong when fighting me over an outfit.  We do pick the outfits out the night before, but this plan doesn't always work!  Patience isn't my strong point, but I now let her wear what she wants - out of the few choices I give her - a huge step for me, baby steps people, baby steps!

8)  Crying - oh my lord, the child cries all the time, hitting on whining, but not quite, but definitely grates on the nerves and patience is really tested.  I swear she didn't cry in the first 35 months collectively what she has in the last 4 months...she is so sensitive, I can barely handle it.

9)  You will be the favorite one minute and then you are being told to "Get OUT"...of course, this usually happens in the bathroom, she wants me to be there, then Daddy, then Mommy, then Daddy....crying, screaming, get out, I don't want you, leave me, don't talk...oh, the joy, the joy!  Yesterday, she was calling out for Daddy, when I arrived in the room, "I didn't call for you" was the greeting I received...thanks kid!

10) And all the above to say, even with the challenges, the fact that we as parents have been out once in 18 months, the exhaustion, I guess I have to admit, I can't imagine my life without a 3 year old.  Okay, that is a lie, every once is a while, I think I would just like to go to supper or trivia, but then I remember, I need to be told I look like a zebra, I need to pick out a tutu for the next day, I need to color or play games, I need to put pretty braids in her long locks and I have to gain a little bit more of a fight in me to ensure my health struggles are put to the side so I can enjoy more frustration, aggravation and laughter, unconditional love and devotion from my little gal.....

Okay, that is the only sap you will get from me, hope you enjoyed the 3 year old public service announcement, and shame on all of you who didn't tell me about the true facts...and again, sorry to those who on top of this list also deal with temper tantrums, this post would have had a lot more swearing if I had to endure that, so I do feel for ya!  I just assume she is holding out for a bit longer to work up the energy to make it a good one!  And when it happens, I will certainly let you know.

Toodles!

Here is it, the long awaited blog about Colonoscopy's

It has taken me a long time, to both muster up the courage to write a blog about colonoscopy's, and to put my dignity aside for this important public service announcement, so bare with me - ha, no pun intended.  If you are booked for your first colonoscopy, I apologize in advance, you may be scared shitless (pun intended), but if you are like many, who really don't display any symptoms or present with a reason to have a scope, but your age is creeping near 50, your time will come.  There isn't one person reading this who won't someday be faced with this wonderful procedure (and by wonderful I do mean life saving - yet embarrassing, kill me know type of procedure).

For those who don't want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, better stop reading;  and for my friends, or perhaps moreso the people who really don't know me, I am about to share WAY TOO MUCH information!  But I figure if I can talk about newborn shit, talk about shit samples, surely I can get my words on this blog and tell you about clearing out shit and having a tube and a camera in spots no tube and camera should be...see, too much info, but hell, you could google, worse, you could YouTube it.

Here we go, I dare say I am an expert in the "Art of Scopes", September 19th marked my 6th scope of varying types all before the age of 40.  When you visit the "scope clinic" and the secretary and all the nursing staff know you, it is a sign you are there way too much.  If you can imagine, the secretary even recalled Mom, but said, "I didn't remember your Mom giving me a 1-800 # before to reach her at"...sigh, can we say frequent flyer.  This visit, I even headed straight for the cabinet with the gowns and before she finished all the instructions, I was off to my "regular" changing room and seat.  But I must back up (lord, there are going to be way too many jabs I can make during this post, please note I am not meaning to do that, just happens)...I need to discuss the PREP.

When you hear a patient who has experienced a scope, and they say the PREP is the worse part of the procedure, believe them.  There is really no comparison, the preparation day(s) are much, much worse than the actual procedure, granted, you are usually so drugged you don't realize you are having the procedure, hence the reason it is a walk in the park.

Now there are different kinds of preps, some  are better than others and it definitely depends on your Dr, if you here Go Lightly (while not spelled this way, it sounds like this)...you will NOT be going lightly, you will be parking your ass on the toilet for an entire day and wishing you had a baby around with diaper rash cream...there are drinks that taste like chalk, mixed with vomit, also NOT good, but my last two preps I had the "delightful" Pico-Salax, or for $4.00 cheaper the generic brand of Purg-Odan...at the end of the day, they are all the same thing, just different consistencies, rules, taste...they all do the same thing - clean the colon (aka, deflate your body of more liquid and shit than you thought possible).  Now, why I can "handle" the Pico Salax, it is an orange flavoured drink, fizzy, and just mixed with a half glass of water, you have to drink 8 glasses of water with each sachet, most will have to take 2, but some 3.  This of course goes in your body after you have starved for 12-24 hours.  While the flavour is appreciated after no food, and beats the chalky / vomit tasting drink, you will want to steer clear of oranges for the foreseeable future, as it will bring back flashbacks.  Now they call this the test prep, but this is no high school folks, there is no test, no quiz at the end of the day, this prep is preparing you for a long night of bathroom visits, instant grumbling in the belly and oh joy, the big exam!

So here are the details (I will spare you all of the details and try to maintain an ounce of dignity, but you can fill in the blanks)...I will say, if I was writing this after my first scope, I'm sure I would have a few more traumatic events to share, but now that I'm a pro scoper, I know what to expect, which drink I prefer and almost can relax (almost).

- After starving, you mix your first delicious drink, think Sex on the Beach (the drink people, the drink)...I prefer my prep drink on the rocks, tall glass with a fun umbrella, but to each their own.  While it isn't a huge glass you have to drink, it isn't something you can chug either, but about 5 gulps and it is gone.  USE ice though, warm orange fizzy drinks are not recommended.

- Then you wait.   And Wait....  And Wait.  Everyone is different, and each prep drink is different, some drinks work within minutes and you will want to set up camp either outside the bathroom door, or rest in the bathtub so you can jump to the toilet at a moments notice, but the Pico Salax strangely takes its time.  Now, I wouldn't suggest working on prep day, as you really don't know, but it can take a few hours to really "kick in - and out".  Now, having crohns (here comes the too much info), bathroom visits are a part of my life, but I can imagine someone who is not use to this fast action, would get quite the surprise.  It does happen though, the gurgles start in your belly and you move ever so closer to the bathroom, then you do a mad dash, holy lord, I think I just lost 5 pounds!  And this continues, 5 lbs, 10lbs, 15lbs...okay, perhaps not that extreme, but for those parents, do you remember when your baby power puked for the first time (spit up for those parents without an alien baby like we had)...and you panicked and called the nurse and said to the nurse, "my baby just threw up the entire bottle", and she said, "no, it was probably just 1/8th of the bottle"...well, it is probably like that, so lets say you lose a lb of shit each visit to the bathroom...it is a good weight loss plan, trying to squeeze in to that dress for an upcoming event, head to the drug store for a little Pico Salax - or buy Spanx, the other weight deceiving product!  No need to explain each and every bathroom trip, but you will no doubt think you can't possibly have anything left in you, your 8 glasses of water surely are long gone and the food you ate when you were 10 is long gone, lord, even the gum you swallowed in class that the teachers said would stay in your system for 50 years has made its way out...you are clean...this goes on for approx 3-6 hours...and great news, the day of the procedure, you get to do it again.

Just remember

Gurgling = get ready
Bubbles = move closer to the bathroom
Gurgling / Bubbles / Pain = run, you are about to explode!

Now, if your house is like mine, you have not enjoyed going to the washroom alone since your child arrived, hell, in my house, I haven't been to the bathroom alone since the cat and dog arrived that would be 10 years, but this is one time you kick them all out - this is a scene, and noise that no other human needs to witness, be a part of, unless you really hate them and want them to have nightmares for the next 12 months.  And when I mentioned diaper cream - I'm not too far off...you will greatly appreciated baby wipes....toilet paper just won't cut it, after your 20th visit to the bathroom you just want to wear a diaper soaked with Vaseline, this is also the time when you start to think, I can have clear liquids, Vodka is a clear liquid, I think I need an f'n Vodka!

So, you make it through the prep - it is like passing your Driver's License on the first try, you suffered through the test, the prep and now you are in the home stretch...you will be overjoyed, the worse is over with!  Really, I promise.  All you have to suck up now is complete embarrassment, sharing way too much information, realizing the Dr and Nurse will see more of you than any other human being every will or should...but you will get through it.

You head to the hospital, proud that you have lost 5 lbs and have a squeaky clean colon, bet you always wished for that accomplishment and the staff are all respectful and professional.  These ladies and men talk shit for a living, ask some of the most personal questions out there and in the process make you realize that you are just another ass...I wonder if they go home at night and say, I had a real ass on the table today...just a thought!  I know a lot of asses, I dare say when their ass gets on the table their true colors will shine through and the Dr will say this quote (hell, I think I will ask at my next appointment how many asses and "real asses" he has had on the table).  Okay, so back to the hospital, you have to show up an hour before your procedure, get admitted for your procedure and get prepped for the procedure, this involves doing a lengthy questionnaire with the nurse, you know the normal questions, do you have any piercings, metal clips, dentures, oh, they do nurse things too - blood pressure, what do you know, mine has spiked, 80/75, IV started, bravo to the nurse this past visit, first try and no squirting blood - I'm usually not that lucky and lord knows I was dehydrated.  She then brings you a warm blanket and you wait your turn...Again, at least in my experiences here in Charlottetown, they have all been lovely, my "usual" scope nurse arrives and says, "you are not here again", I explained that I just love visiting them so much and want to ensure they all had job security - sadly, I am probably really helping out their profession.  You will be wheeled down to the procedure room, while not an operating room, it kind of is, but this one has camera's, oh yes, just to make sure you feel totally uncomfy, there is the big screen TV, and all the tubes and cameras to the side...yes folks, your colon will be flashed on the big screen for all to see, they even take a video, now, they haven't offered it up for sale, but perhaps I should ask!  I mean, they sell dance recital video's, surely the colonoscopy video is just as exciting!  The Dr comes in, in my case, Dr Clark, who starts off by saying, "do you have any questions, and don't ask me if you are going to die, you won't" - he has been my Dr for too long and knows me too well, I deep down know I'm his favorite patient, but I dare say I have asked the man 500 times if I will die and if so, when.  He then asks me about my shopping trip (another sign I see him way too much). we start talking about New Hampshire shopping, I'm lying on my side (oh yes, that is what they will do, heart monitor, oxygen, IV and on your side you go), I faintly remember telling him I always feel better in NH and then I am out.  Now, I get lots of drugs, having been awake for one scope and able to watch the entire procedure and seeing what my colon looks like proved to be a tad too much on my first visit, so now, the nurse asks the Dr how much sedation and he says LOTS!  And I say, LOTS AND LOTS.  That is my recommendation, drift off to dreamland, hell, Greta is up 6 nights out of 7 these days, this may have been my best hope at a deep sleep, I was taking it.

The next thing you know, you are in the recovery room, the blood pressure cuff tightening every 5 minutes and I faintly hear the nurses say her pressure is dropping, yet I hear another nurse say, it dropped a lot during the procedure, so 50 is coming up...not good, but I'm alive...made it through the prep, the procedure, and....wait, what is this, there is a rule...and a difficult rule for some, perhaps a fun one for others...but not I...this is worse than having a camera moving through my body ... during the procedure they pump you full of air, lots of it...and that air must come out.  The rule is, you don't get to leave recovery until you expel that air...now, nothing like the farting orchestra that is playing in the scope recovery room, but yikes, that is horrendous, worse, you hear the nurses talking, "did he fart yet, did you hear if she expelled gas yet"...kill me now.  Being the dignified gal I am, I always ask to go the bathroom, of course, I am so stoned, I can't walk nor see, but my stomach is going to explode, I need two nurses to carry me to the washroom and they don't want to leave you, so they stand outside the door, holding the damn door knob and continuously open the door to see if you have passed out, and they keep their ear to the door to ensure the air starts to disappear, guess they are worried your colon will explode!  So, that is it...easy as riding a bike!  You have officially earned another day off work, as you are so stoned you come home and sleep the rest of the day, eventually you want to try food, because you have now gone 48 hours plus with no solid food, the thought of oranges, soup broth or jello makes you want to vomit and like all great patients, you start to crave McD's...yes, it is true...

Oh yes, almost forgot, while they are doing the scope, they remove polyps if they see any (pre-cancerous lesions or growths), in my case, they also take biopsies to see what degree my crohns is in, and then you wait for a few weeks for your follow up.  I have been fortune thus far to have cancer free scopes, just received my latest colon cancer free status yesterday at 5pm, but it is a worry, everyone isn't so lucky.  While they say you don't have to have your first scope until 50, don't take a chance, if you have any concerns, worries, get in, early detection can save your life, sadly, I have lost some of the most amazing people to colon / bowel cancer, and medical advances have come a long way...put the embarrassment to the side, and get your ass on that table.  It will be over before you know it and hey, you lose a few lbs, just do it!

This is my October 2013 public service announcement, signing off for now - Toodles!