What are you waiting for?

For a bit over a week, I have thought about this blog post, which gives me an enormous amount of goose bumps and an overall uneasy feeling.  As I was driving home from the USA, after a very successful (too successful) shopping excursion, I truly wondered if I would make it home.  Hurricane force rains fell from the sky, and my friend Lisa and I at times could barely see the roads, my hands were clenched around the steering wheel so tight my hands continued to cramp.  When I safely landed in NB and dropped Lisa off, I headed on the rest of my journey solo, experiencing more frightening and stressful periods of rain.  As I drove alone, I started to think about all the people who have influenced me, about the individuals who have come in to my life (and some who have exited) and what impact they had on who I was, who I am today and who I may become.  Of course, the pessimistic side of me also thought, I could die, not in a year or two from liver disease, but on this trip home ... and I wondered if people truly knew what impact they have made on my life.  I started to think about what I would tell people, what I would want people to know.  I of course, arrived home and didn't put the fingers to the keyboard, so nothing was written.  That is until now.  Tonight, one of my oldest friends on the Island (and by oldest, I mean I have known the longest) called to let me know that the lady who was responsible for my career path in employment / career counseling, who recommended me for a position at Social Services, who took me under her wing and passed on more wisdom on how to treat those less fortune with respect, dignity, kindness, genuineness, had passed away this morning.  To say I was in shock was an understatement, I think there are people you think will just always be there, that I would always see again.  I think the feeling of shock was magnified as I have thought of this mentor numerous times over the past few days, almost strangely, as I haven't seen her in a few years.  Through her daughter, I have passed on my hello's and well wishes, and caught up on the latest news, but I oddly since my trip home last week from the States kept thinking I really need to send her a letter, or to stop by the youth group she works with to say hello.  I was angry with myself that I hadn't made that visit, or hadn't sent that letter.  I know she knew how much she meant to me, I told her many times and recently told her daughter how much I admired her Mom, but what a strange feeling, it was as if my mind was telling me something just wasn't right, and that I needed to make a visit happen.  And now it is too late.  I also have to face reality, I have no idea when my time may come to an end, I perhaps have a very long life ahead, perhaps I will have a few liver transplants, maybe I have a few years before my health deteriorates, reality is - you just never do know.  What would you do if you knew you didn't have tomorrow, who would you call, what would you want people to know?  Who has meant something in your life....do they know?  Do you have regrets...do you have time to turn back the clock?

So, here it goes, while I can't possibly name each person, if I was to leave this earth tomorrow, I need to say:

Greta - you are the reason that I fight to get better, the reason that I want to survive my medical hurdles.  You are the most beautiful, sweet, smart, little girl and while we may have had a shaky 9 months before your arrival (and I was fearful you were going to be a little alien from your early profile pics in my belly), the day you were born, a Mommy was born as well, and I would not change the experience for anything in this world.  You truly are a miracle baby, and each day make me smile, laugh and realize just how lucky I am that you chose me to be your Mom.  I hope that despite being spoiled, you will also be grateful for what you have, appreciative of what you have been given, and for the opportunities you will be guided towards.  I will always live amongst the stars.

Haley - To my favorite niece...you changed our family the second you were born - and absolutely for the better.  You are so very special to so many people.  I hope you always have your confidence, your determination, your interest to try things, I wish I was as outgoing and energetic as you.  You are going to achieve what ever you set your mind too.  I hope you know what an amazing individual you are, and all those who have a chance to know you will see that!  You are beautiful, inside and out, and I am so proud I am your Aunt.

Darren - You certainly got the rotten end of the deal of "in sickness and health"...why you have stuck by me defies reason, and deserves a reward that does not exist. You are the most amazing Daddy, and I know Greta could not possibly have a bigger supporter, fan, play mate, confidant, provider and loyal parent, we are both so very lucky to have you in our lives and I will be forever grateful that we shared this journey together - the good, the bad and the ugly.  Thank you for being by my side when I least deserved it and for being the best friend I needed!

Mom - Everything I am or hoped to be I owe to my Mother.  You work too much,  you need to stop, life is too short!  However I  know work has allowed you to provide us with every opportunity or experience we could have ever imagined.  Your kindness, support and thoughtfulness is unwavering and always has been.  I see myself doing things that mimic you every day, and for that, I am so very proud.  You mean the world to all of us... Now - Retire and start living....you can still shop on a Pension!

Aunt Peg - The matriarch of our family, the glue that has no doubt kept us all together.  And everyone's favorite!  My favorite memories of Port Elgin included dashing in to Nana and Grampy's house, saying our quick hellos and running up through the beaten path to your house.  I look at that field now and there is no beaten down path, but I still "see" it and imagine us running - I mean despite there rarely being a car on the road - we always did the path, never the road!  You are the most special, caring and supportive individual, I love that Greta will grow up knowing how special you are to all of us, and experience the visits to Port Elgin, the delicious cookies in the cupboard and who knows, perhaps a beer or two when she is old enough...How lucky we are to have someone like you to look up to!  

Chris J - My dearest friend, who has been part of my life since we were 14 years old.  Your friendship and support has meant more to me than I could ever articulate.  It is amazing to look back, we could never not be friends, we know too much about each other - it could be dangerous.  I have absolutely loved being a part of your journey, your successes, your marriage to your soul mate, your journey to fatherhood.  I am so happy I was part of your journey and you a part of mine.  Someday we will be able to tell Greta, Emily and Ethan how in the "old days" there was something called a land line telephone, and we would chat until the wee hours of the night, fall asleep, and start talking again in the AM.  Ha, too funny - can you imagine - that type of phone is already classed as "retro"...see what the next generation will miss out on. 

My elementary school friends - I love Facebook for many reasons - but mostly for each of you!  While our paths have found us from coast to coast, I have some of the most amazing memories of Salmon River Elementary in Truro, NS = birthday parties, Barbie Dolls, playing when your parents let you stay out to dark and you would hear the parents as night fell scream out names to come home.  I dare say we will never see that day with our children, but what a wonderful childhood and a great place to grow up.  I absolutely love that via social media I have been able to reconnect with so many of you and share in your adult lives, see your children grow up, and share in some wonderful and sad events.  I also have to say, I admire so much what strong friendships you all have, as I grew older, I always hated the fact that I moved so much, and still wish I had that life long friendship I see so many of you share with each other.  Know that when I see you writing each other, about planning your visits or making plans to get together, it puts a smile on my face each time and I always think how amazing it is that your best friend from elementary school is still your best friend. 

University connections - as a "come from away" - arriving on little ole PEI, and moving in to the dorms was the time of my life.  My first drink...my first time skipping class...my first 50% on a math exam....what a grand time!  I loved "just about" every minute of university (well, at least the social aspect).  If I had a bucket list back at 18, I am sure I would have knocked off most of that list during my first 2 years.  I miss drinking games, and skipping class to watch the soaps, I miss decorating the doors for Christmas, I miss playing cards and listening to George Jones while we drank vodka and jack daniels!  I miss bad cafeteria food and knowing that Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, we always had plans and they were always great plans!  I am also thankful I never got hangovers!  I miss Hotels, and Asshole, and Caps...perhaps if the day comes that I can have a drink again - we should have a little reunion and move in to Bernadine Hall...granted, I lived mostly at Marion Hall - but it is not offices - so that may be looked down upon!  To all those who shared my University Days with, you all have meant so much and I am thankful for the path we each had.

To my special friend, Janet - For years, I would always say to people, Janet - my neighbour, then it was Janet, my old neighbour....but of course, you are so much more than that.  My friend, my second mother, Scarlet's favorite babysitter, our helper...you mean so much to all of us and we are so thankful that Belvedere Avenue brought you in to our lives.  Thank you for everything you have done for us, and continue to do. 

My co-workers, Tracey, Renilda, Colette, Tracy - it feels like we have been together for such a long time, I guess a few of us have been, how wonderful it is to go to work and have friends who are true and genuine.  I am so very fortunate to have met each of you, to share our laughs, our lunches, and even better - our spare time together - a sign of true work friendship - when you actually like each other enough to do things after hours together....ha!  And best yet - we have all shopped together! 

To those who have broke my heart - well, just thought I would let you know, it all made sense in the end....to those young gals reading this - your heart will be broken many times, healed again, and broken again....and it will all turn out just fine!  I have cared for many people and have had amazing relationships, amazing families that I felt part of, that have guided me and influenced me in various ways.  I think I have taken something from just about everyone I shared my life with, and I look through my house at times and think - that is what so-in-so would have done.  I will hold a special place in my  heart and thankful to those who I still consider a friend - to a few however - be thankful we don't run in to each other, I could accelerate instead of brake!!!  HA!  Kind of just joking.

And to my mentor, Clara, I dedicate this post to you.  Your legacy will live on, your memory will live on ... the lives of so many were directly impacted because of your passion to help others.

Toodles