Dear Younger self...

Well, I have hit a goal, while many may sigh and say I am a pessimist, I like to think I am a realist.  When you are told you have one disease, you say - that royally sucks, but I'll survive, then disease number two arrives, and while life altering and scary, you think - I can learn to live with this despite crohns not having a cure, but when disease number three has a terminal aspect, as there is no cure and continuous deterioration is reality and most importantly your future relies, and depends, on someone else dying so his/her family can make a difficult decision and donate their liver so my life can be prolonged - you really don't see everything as warm and fuzzy.  I am not a fool, I have great Dr's who try to sugar coat everything and then I have another Dr, namely a transplant Dr who held nothing back, I heard that they may have to remove my entire bowel, that they will continue to check for cancer in my bile ducts every month, and that while transplantation will prolong my life if I am able to get a new organ - it is not a cure, as the disease can return and donated livers do not last forever - now that I think about it - wow, was she ever bold!  So, while many days I can pretend I don't have an illness and I put a smile on my face, each time I walk buy the medicine cabinet that houses two rubbermaid containers of medicine, or the bi-weekly medical appointments I have to attend, or perhaps the pain that radiates through my entire body - I sometimes break - I get upset, I get scared and I vent, as being sick during these rough times can consume me, not because I want to dwell on being sick, but because I very much understand the reality of what my future is and it scares me (is it appropriate at this point to say "to death").  So, until you walk in my shoes, and feel the pain, and realize the fear, or share in the annoyance, it really isn't the place to judge, yet so many do ... but that isn't my post...the goal I have hit - EEKS, I'm turning 40.

While I definitely think I have aged, and being sick made me miss a hair appointment last week, which means my hair is showing signs of grey, and there are cracks and limps my body never quite experienced before - I really can't believe my 40th is within single digits!  I recall fondly my Mother turning 40 - okay, perhaps not fondly, I think it was the first day she took off in 20 years - and she cried the entire day (sorry Mom, you did!)...  So, to mark the occasion, I present to you a blog I have been thinking about for some time - a Note from my 40 year old self to my younger self....

Dear Younger Self,

Welcome to the World, you were born on a Tuesday, the same day the French President died. Chatham, Ontario will be your home, but only for a short while, as your life of moving starts in two weeks...Ontario until you are six, then off to Nova Scotia, then New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island, but don't sweat it, you won't "really move yourself" until you are 18 so you have an entire childhood to get through leaving friends, starting new schools, hating your parents for making you move - the adults will do the moving, you just have to suffer through it...so relax.

While you may end up fairly petite and skinny through school and in adult hood, you kind of look chubby during your first year, and good lord the cheeks and round face on you ... get use to it, the round face will be with you forever, not much you can do about it - well, you can, but plastic surgery has risks, think about it perhaps at 40!

Six -Twelve Year old Self, you will have a great childhood growing up in Truro, Nova Scotia and when you get older, you will realize some of the best friendships you had were from Salmon River Elementary School.  How fun to play in the woods and make forts, to attend birthday parties, to have great pets and a big orange canopy bed.  You won't believe what Santa will bring in 1986, a Cabbage Patch Doll, people will fight to get their hands on that ugly doll, literally kicking and steam rolling other humans, even more shocking, they will last for generations to come, keep things in good shape, it may be worth something some day!  Sadly future generations will want to go grow so fast, so enjoy your Barbies and Dolls, as the Grade 6 kid in 2014 will be closer to what you were like at 16.  You will live in a safe environment, where families don't lock the doors, perhaps some don't even have a key if the door was locked, the cars are huge, you could have a party for 12 in these boats, believe me, the cars of the future get smaller and more compact, and you won't believe this, but the party line phones will truly change, one day, you will drive and there will be a speaker in the vehicle - imagine, a phone ... in your car.  Not only that, you will be able to press a button from inside a house and the car will start, I'm not joking, you just wait and see.  As the sun goes down each night, parents scream from the front step to come in, their voices will be heard for blocks, you will walk home, through the yards until you find your way to your house, you don't know what danger is, you don't know terms like kidnapping, pedophiles, sure you know what a stranger is, but in the future, your kids won't be so lucky and free.  Now lets talk about hair, were you not brave enough to stand up to your mother when she "tried" to cut you hair, seriously, zig zag bangs and a bowl cut just isn't cool.  Never, ever cut someones hair with a bowl, dull scissors and for goodness sake, the person who said, just twist the bangs and cut did not know what they were talking about.  But you will survive the hair cuts, and be thankful you have thick hair, you will appreciate having a little extra when you are older.  And perhaps, don't be such a sassy brat, someday, you may realize how much your mother really does know and will appreciate that knowledge - but you still have a few more years before you figure that out, okay, so you may not really figure this out until you are 20, but it will happen.  And the braces, my goodness, those teeth need some work, not only will you be blessed with the pain of one set of braces, but because you didn't wear your retainer, you will need a second set at 16, you will officially have a smile that cost $10,000 before you are done, and the darn teeth will still be a tad off as you get older...but what an improvement.  So smile will yah! 

13 year old self, what a rough year, not only did you move at Christmas time, in the middle of a school year, but you are going to start a new school, a bilingual school...in Grade 7.  While you think your life is over, you will survive and things will work out.  You will stay in touch with something we in 2014 will call snail mail, it will be so exciting to see the mail arrive with a letter from your friend, while you may think that Texas Instrument "thing is cool" and wow, impressive, your Mom has one of the first Apple Computers, wait to you see what 2007 will bring - a thing called Facebook where you will reconnect with so many you left behind.  You will have a computer than can sit on your lap, even more crazy, you will have screens you can touch and find out up to the minute news around the world.  Of course, that doesn't matter - because you moved in the middle of Grade 7 -and  you think your life just sucks. You will quickly realize, French Class in Truro, NS has allowed you to successfully ask to go to the bathroom, you are not quite ready for verbs and full conversations with your Moncton classmates.  And the teacher will tell the class - do not rock your chair on two legs, or it will tip - you really should listen to this advice - but since you won't, don't worry you will get over the embarrassment by the end of the school year, but falling back in your chair will feel like your life will be over for quite a few months!  This is almost as embarrassing as the fact that you are in a school that is Grades 1-9 and despite being in Grade 7, you are small and the Grade 3 student you see wearing the same outfit as you - will be devastating, this too shall pass and when you get older, you will greatly appreciate your size and figure.

Wow, 15 year old self, you are getting a bit more confidence and you are a cheerleader, and a pretty good one at that.  You can get to the top of that pyramid fairly quick and you can certainly belt out a cheer and do a mean kick.  And wow, a boy likes you...of course, you will "date" for months before you will hold hands, and you will look like 10 year olds at the Junior Prom, but this boy will be with you for many years, through high school and off to University and the best news, 25 years later, he will be married with two lovely kids, and you will be married with one little girl and you will be the best of friends and each time you get together, you will understand what a true friendship is all about and be so grateful that he came in to your life. And you get your first job, Tim Horton Donuts - while you may not realize this now, that first job taught you more than any other job will - dedication, being kind, money management, customer service, and perhaps, what you don't want to do for the rest of your life - but it was a great first job and having it on your resume will prove to be helpful.

At 16, you lost an amazing Nana, you will hate the word cancer, and you will realize and witness the extent of what losing the matriarch of a family is like.  What a devastating loss of someone so young and kind, and thoughtful and wise.  From this day forward, you will look at your own mother differently and will try not to take those around you for granted, life can be cruel and this is your first real eye opener.  And you will forever believe in ghosts and spirits, as you will be awoken the night of your grandmothers death to the touch of her stroking your hair, and you will keep the secret of this happening until you write a blog to celebrate your 40th.

You survive high school, you make the high school cheer leading squad and attend amazing dance clinics and perform at high profile events, but you sadly lose some great friends this year too, you all don't make the team and it is devastating and worse, you realize for the first time in your life, what it is like to have a friend stab you in the back, sadly, you will experience this again and again, but you are tough and will adopt an interesting attitude, one that holds grudges and keeps things bottled in, and while many will say life is too short to hold a grudge, you adopt a philosophy that life is too short to have people in your life that will hurt you, disrespect you...you get the drift.  This isn't a bad thing, just a different view.  High School certainly has its ups and downs, but guess what, it will soon be over...all the petty things that happen in the school system are left behind and while you got to travel to England and France, have some great friends, you will move on and not look back.  Oh, and don't worry about your hatred for chemistry, you will never, ever have to take another class again, and that suits you just fine.

Now, can we discuss your clothing style 17-18 year old self, green eyeshadow to match your green outfit from Cotton Ginny, with matching socks and necklace really isn't that cool, you will eventually have people asking where you buy your clothes and become quite fashionable, but if I ever see you wearing green pants with green socks, with a pink top and a matching scarf / necklace combo, I am going to have to beat you - of course, those jumpsuits and jeans that you had to roll up to make them small near the ankles will come back in style - who would have thought....but try not to follow the trends, jumpsuits left for a reason, remember that when you see them in the stores in 2014 and think, should I try it on - NO  YOU SHOULDN'T. 

In 1992, it is fairly cheap to apply to Universities, and in some cases, there are no fees, so you apply to tons and tons of universities, and low and behold, you get in to all - Queens, Acadia, UNB, and because it was free to apply, heck, boost your ego a bit and apply for a little school called UPEI.  While Acadia is looking good and you have been accepted in to their 3 year Bachelor Program and think you want to become a teacher - you come to visit UPEI and realize there are bathrooms between every 2 rooms - now, at Acadia, you will be sharing a bathroom with half a floor of girls - you don't like to share - so, the bathroom wins out and you accept UPEI's offer...  While you may have been a goodie two shoes in High School - you will be spending a lot of time on that bathroom floor in the UPEI dorms, and what a fun time you will have.  You learn to drink - it takes a lot of practice, but you will graduate from Kiwi Coolers to a Quart of Vodka by the end of your first year.  You will skip your first class, and your second, third...oh hell, you will skip a lot of classes...while you are darn lucky and you are smart enough to study when you have to, you didn't gain the freshman 25, but your marks certainly dropped by a good 25 marks.  But you make it through.  You will have your heart broken, and healed again, you will make amazing friends and dance on tables, ring in your 19th year without getting sick, learn how to play a mean game of Asshole and wow, is your liver taking a pounding.  University will be an amazing time in your life and while you will flip flop numerous times on what you "want to do when you grow up", you really question your choice of teaching, when you head out to do your practice teaching ... you really won't like kids ... probably should have volunteered more with kids before considering the teaching profession...but don't worry, at the end of the day, it really won't matter what school you received your education from, or what your final marks were, you will have a very successful career ahead and your education will get you in the door, but you are smart in many other ways, you have common sense, you have confidence and you are a nice person - and sometimes, that really does help.  You will get far because you are are a hard worker and willing to learn and you will quickly realize, while you are very proud of your years of university, some of the smartest people you will meet never stepped foot in University class, and some of the career University students, lack common sense and personality.  Never underestimate the power of common sense and being genuine at an interview!

It is interesting, but 18 year old self, 24 year old self, 27 year old self, 28 year old self, you will be blessed with some amazing relationships and well, some poor ones as well, but you have to live them all, it is just part of the journey, thankfully you will remain friends with almost all of your beau's, but try to avoid the urge to run some of them over, you will learn that landing in jail because of some boy is just not worth it... you lost a little dignity along the journey, and you allowed some mind games and negative energy to enter your life, but no worries, you will be treated with respect and kindness in the end.

Despite not thinking of marriage, you will get married, you will piss off a heck of a lot of people in the process, because you two will chose to elope, but stand tall and proud, you want to do it your way, and you really don't like people well enough to pay $30 a head / per meal... no regrets! 

32 year old self, you are leaving a career you love to take a chance at a new job, and you hate it for quite some time, you think you made a mistake, but stick with it, you will succeed and you will work hard and get noticed and move up to where your talents and abilities can shine, you will be happy not to move up further - take your time, a wise person will tell you, don't move up the ladder too quick, as you may be stuck there for 20 years, enjoy the process, and stop when you feel you are not settling, yet can still move up if you wanted to compete.  While a new career may be here, you are going to feel unwell, and your health journey will begin, you will be 36-38 before everything truly makes sense in the world of medical mysteries and you are indeed that.  Your body will be scanned, poked, invaded, blood will be drained from you veins and your fear of needles will have to take a back seat as Dr's PRACTICING medicine will try to find some answers.  It will take a while, and patience is not one of your strong points.

35 - almost 36 year old self - the shock of your life is about to happen, you are pregnant.  Now, stop crying, okay, keep crying, but try not to have daily panic attacks, you will be in denial until two days before your beautiful baby girl is born.  While you may suffer through 9 months of pre-partum depression, you will survive and you are one heck of a great Mom.  36 year old self, having a baby at 36+ is tough, but you do it!  How lucky are you to experience something you never dreamt possible, you had wonderful pets, but wow, you are a mother - to a human - that you created and nurtured.  And oh my, she is so smart and beautiful and kind and sweet.  Perhaps this was your purpose, you were to be someone's Mom.

You will have a good career, but as you will note, this letter doesn't really address this much, as you will realize at 37, it is not the priority.  While your career was number one for so long, your little girl and your health will bump your work down the list, you are fortunate though, you make a good living and it has allowed you to have a lovely home, take trips, provide for your little one but you need to start taking care of you, or all those things won't be yours to enjoy.

And look at you, 38 year old self, you are quite unlucky, but really, you always were, I think it was the mirrors you broke over the years you should have been more careful, your health has been a struggle and you hate being in the hospital, but the Dr's are doing their best to get to the bottom of your ailments.  If Auto Immune Hepatitis and Crohns disease wasn't enough, you wanted to hit number 3 and you have a serious liver disease, you need a transplant.  You need friends, but many will walk out of your life ... remember that little thing called computers, well, that is how you will stay in tough, and even that won't be to chat, you will just in passing figure out what is happening in their lives and they in yours, but you can't worry about that.  You are sick and are focussing on staying away from germs, figuring out the enormous burden medications can bring, you need friends to come to you, and if they don't, that is okay. 

39 year old self you will worry, ALOT, and despite people saying you shouldn't, being sick is scary, having a 3 year old and being sick is terrifying.  Until someone has to have monthly blood work to see if cancer may have struck, or have to sit in a chair for 4 hours to allow an IV infusion to flow through their veins, of have to heat a magic bag constantly in an effort to relieve pain, they won't truly understand what it is like to be you.  They won't understand what fear of leaving a 3 year old little girl is, or feel the emotion of what it is like to truly be terrified of what the next day will bring, or truly understand the true scope of your frustration with Dr's.  You will take upwards of 1000 pills a year, and $32,000 of medicine will run through your body.  But do you know what, you don't care....no one has to understand, no one has to offer support, no one has to provide a kind word, because the people that really matter - already have you figured out - you worry, you give, you show kindness, you care, you can be a bitch, you can be a really really big bitch, you are still here and you are 40.

So younger self, you will do pretty good, sure you will have bones that crack, and grey hair poking through, and have your fair share of medical shit, and lord, that shopping habit you have will rack up some impressive bills, but you have survived and have had a pretty darn good life.  You have been given opportunities to travel, to learn, to help others, to be a wife and mother and friend and you know what, you look pretty damn good for 40.  Happy Birthday 40 year old self, you reached your goal, everything from here on out is gravy ... ummm Gravy - on that delicious yummy poutine you are craving right now - and thanks to your great metobolism, you can still eat that and not gain an ounce.  YAHOO!


Toodles
(I will edit later, too tired to fix grammar and spelling tonight - heck, my grammar is never good - I pretty much scraped by in University English - see above - I drank and skipped class!)