Someday my prince will come, but Daddy will always be King!

Someday my prince will come, but Daddy will always be King!
Daddy's Girl

Welcome

Welcome to my Blog.

Life greatly changed as Darren and I welcomed Greta Claire to the family. I started this blog 5 weeks pre-parenthood; I thought I would learn to Blog as a hobby and to occupy my time when I was awaiting baby and tried my best to continue through her first year of life to document some of the ups and downs, funny moments, scary moments, etc. While I greatly enjoy sharing our adventures, it has been hard to stay committed to regular posts, but I certainly will do my best as our little girl is now 6 years old and full of comic relief, bright ideas and the most amazing quotes! So, enjoy the adventures of Gail and Greta, I somehow seem to find the most interesting things each day, so this is the truth blog, how things really are, what I'm really thinking and feeling....it could be interesting!



Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Here is it, the long awaited blog about Colonoscopy's

It has taken me a long time, to both muster up the courage to write a blog about colonoscopy's, and to put my dignity aside for this important public service announcement, so bare with me - ha, no pun intended.  If you are booked for your first colonoscopy, I apologize in advance, you may be scared shitless (pun intended), but if you are like many, who really don't display any symptoms or present with a reason to have a scope, but your age is creeping near 50, your time will come.  There isn't one person reading this who won't someday be faced with this wonderful procedure (and by wonderful I do mean life saving - yet embarrassing, kill me know type of procedure).

For those who don't want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, better stop reading;  and for my friends, or perhaps moreso the people who really don't know me, I am about to share WAY TOO MUCH information!  But I figure if I can talk about newborn shit, talk about shit samples, surely I can get my words on this blog and tell you about clearing out shit and having a tube and a camera in spots no tube and camera should be...see, too much info, but hell, you could google, worse, you could YouTube it.

Here we go, I dare say I am an expert in the "Art of Scopes", September 19th marked my 6th scope of varying types all before the age of 40.  When you visit the "scope clinic" and the secretary and all the nursing staff know you, it is a sign you are there way too much.  If you can imagine, the secretary even recalled Mom, but said, "I didn't remember your Mom giving me a 1-800 # before to reach her at"...sigh, can we say frequent flyer.  This visit, I even headed straight for the cabinet with the gowns and before she finished all the instructions, I was off to my "regular" changing room and seat.  But I must back up (lord, there are going to be way too many jabs I can make during this post, please note I am not meaning to do that, just happens)...I need to discuss the PREP.

When you hear a patient who has experienced a scope, and they say the PREP is the worse part of the procedure, believe them.  There is really no comparison, the preparation day(s) are much, much worse than the actual procedure, granted, you are usually so drugged you don't realize you are having the procedure, hence the reason it is a walk in the park.

Now there are different kinds of preps, some  are better than others and it definitely depends on your Dr, if you here Go Lightly (while not spelled this way, it sounds like this)...you will NOT be going lightly, you will be parking your ass on the toilet for an entire day and wishing you had a baby around with diaper rash cream...there are drinks that taste like chalk, mixed with vomit, also NOT good, but my last two preps I had the "delightful" Pico-Salax, or for $4.00 cheaper the generic brand of Purg-Odan...at the end of the day, they are all the same thing, just different consistencies, rules, taste...they all do the same thing - clean the colon (aka, deflate your body of more liquid and shit than you thought possible).  Now, why I can "handle" the Pico Salax, it is an orange flavoured drink, fizzy, and just mixed with a half glass of water, you have to drink 8 glasses of water with each sachet, most will have to take 2, but some 3.  This of course goes in your body after you have starved for 12-24 hours.  While the flavour is appreciated after no food, and beats the chalky / vomit tasting drink, you will want to steer clear of oranges for the foreseeable future, as it will bring back flashbacks.  Now they call this the test prep, but this is no high school folks, there is no test, no quiz at the end of the day, this prep is preparing you for a long night of bathroom visits, instant grumbling in the belly and oh joy, the big exam!

So here are the details (I will spare you all of the details and try to maintain an ounce of dignity, but you can fill in the blanks)...I will say, if I was writing this after my first scope, I'm sure I would have a few more traumatic events to share, but now that I'm a pro scoper, I know what to expect, which drink I prefer and almost can relax (almost).

- After starving, you mix your first delicious drink, think Sex on the Beach (the drink people, the drink)...I prefer my prep drink on the rocks, tall glass with a fun umbrella, but to each their own.  While it isn't a huge glass you have to drink, it isn't something you can chug either, but about 5 gulps and it is gone.  USE ice though, warm orange fizzy drinks are not recommended.

- Then you wait.   And Wait....  And Wait.  Everyone is different, and each prep drink is different, some drinks work within minutes and you will want to set up camp either outside the bathroom door, or rest in the bathtub so you can jump to the toilet at a moments notice, but the Pico Salax strangely takes its time.  Now, I wouldn't suggest working on prep day, as you really don't know, but it can take a few hours to really "kick in - and out".  Now, having crohns (here comes the too much info), bathroom visits are a part of my life, but I can imagine someone who is not use to this fast action, would get quite the surprise.  It does happen though, the gurgles start in your belly and you move ever so closer to the bathroom, then you do a mad dash, holy lord, I think I just lost 5 pounds!  And this continues, 5 lbs, 10lbs, 15lbs...okay, perhaps not that extreme, but for those parents, do you remember when your baby power puked for the first time (spit up for those parents without an alien baby like we had)...and you panicked and called the nurse and said to the nurse, "my baby just threw up the entire bottle", and she said, "no, it was probably just 1/8th of the bottle"...well, it is probably like that, so lets say you lose a lb of shit each visit to the bathroom...it is a good weight loss plan, trying to squeeze in to that dress for an upcoming event, head to the drug store for a little Pico Salax - or buy Spanx, the other weight deceiving product!  No need to explain each and every bathroom trip, but you will no doubt think you can't possibly have anything left in you, your 8 glasses of water surely are long gone and the food you ate when you were 10 is long gone, lord, even the gum you swallowed in class that the teachers said would stay in your system for 50 years has made its way out...you are clean...this goes on for approx 3-6 hours...and great news, the day of the procedure, you get to do it again.

Just remember

Gurgling = get ready
Bubbles = move closer to the bathroom
Gurgling / Bubbles / Pain = run, you are about to explode!

Now, if your house is like mine, you have not enjoyed going to the washroom alone since your child arrived, hell, in my house, I haven't been to the bathroom alone since the cat and dog arrived that would be 10 years, but this is one time you kick them all out - this is a scene, and noise that no other human needs to witness, be a part of, unless you really hate them and want them to have nightmares for the next 12 months.  And when I mentioned diaper cream - I'm not too far off...you will greatly appreciated baby wipes....toilet paper just won't cut it, after your 20th visit to the bathroom you just want to wear a diaper soaked with Vaseline, this is also the time when you start to think, I can have clear liquids, Vodka is a clear liquid, I think I need an f'n Vodka!

So, you make it through the prep - it is like passing your Driver's License on the first try, you suffered through the test, the prep and now you are in the home stretch...you will be overjoyed, the worse is over with!  Really, I promise.  All you have to suck up now is complete embarrassment, sharing way too much information, realizing the Dr and Nurse will see more of you than any other human being every will or should...but you will get through it.

You head to the hospital, proud that you have lost 5 lbs and have a squeaky clean colon, bet you always wished for that accomplishment and the staff are all respectful and professional.  These ladies and men talk shit for a living, ask some of the most personal questions out there and in the process make you realize that you are just another ass...I wonder if they go home at night and say, I had a real ass on the table today...just a thought!  I know a lot of asses, I dare say when their ass gets on the table their true colors will shine through and the Dr will say this quote (hell, I think I will ask at my next appointment how many asses and "real asses" he has had on the table).  Okay, so back to the hospital, you have to show up an hour before your procedure, get admitted for your procedure and get prepped for the procedure, this involves doing a lengthy questionnaire with the nurse, you know the normal questions, do you have any piercings, metal clips, dentures, oh, they do nurse things too - blood pressure, what do you know, mine has spiked, 80/75, IV started, bravo to the nurse this past visit, first try and no squirting blood - I'm usually not that lucky and lord knows I was dehydrated.  She then brings you a warm blanket and you wait your turn...Again, at least in my experiences here in Charlottetown, they have all been lovely, my "usual" scope nurse arrives and says, "you are not here again", I explained that I just love visiting them so much and want to ensure they all had job security - sadly, I am probably really helping out their profession.  You will be wheeled down to the procedure room, while not an operating room, it kind of is, but this one has camera's, oh yes, just to make sure you feel totally uncomfy, there is the big screen TV, and all the tubes and cameras to the side...yes folks, your colon will be flashed on the big screen for all to see, they even take a video, now, they haven't offered it up for sale, but perhaps I should ask!  I mean, they sell dance recital video's, surely the colonoscopy video is just as exciting!  The Dr comes in, in my case, Dr Clark, who starts off by saying, "do you have any questions, and don't ask me if you are going to die, you won't" - he has been my Dr for too long and knows me too well, I deep down know I'm his favorite patient, but I dare say I have asked the man 500 times if I will die and if so, when.  He then asks me about my shopping trip (another sign I see him way too much). we start talking about New Hampshire shopping, I'm lying on my side (oh yes, that is what they will do, heart monitor, oxygen, IV and on your side you go), I faintly remember telling him I always feel better in NH and then I am out.  Now, I get lots of drugs, having been awake for one scope and able to watch the entire procedure and seeing what my colon looks like proved to be a tad too much on my first visit, so now, the nurse asks the Dr how much sedation and he says LOTS!  And I say, LOTS AND LOTS.  That is my recommendation, drift off to dreamland, hell, Greta is up 6 nights out of 7 these days, this may have been my best hope at a deep sleep, I was taking it.

The next thing you know, you are in the recovery room, the blood pressure cuff tightening every 5 minutes and I faintly hear the nurses say her pressure is dropping, yet I hear another nurse say, it dropped a lot during the procedure, so 50 is coming up...not good, but I'm alive...made it through the prep, the procedure, and....wait, what is this, there is a rule...and a difficult rule for some, perhaps a fun one for others...but not I...this is worse than having a camera moving through my body ... during the procedure they pump you full of air, lots of it...and that air must come out.  The rule is, you don't get to leave recovery until you expel that air...now, nothing like the farting orchestra that is playing in the scope recovery room, but yikes, that is horrendous, worse, you hear the nurses talking, "did he fart yet, did you hear if she expelled gas yet"...kill me now.  Being the dignified gal I am, I always ask to go the bathroom, of course, I am so stoned, I can't walk nor see, but my stomach is going to explode, I need two nurses to carry me to the washroom and they don't want to leave you, so they stand outside the door, holding the damn door knob and continuously open the door to see if you have passed out, and they keep their ear to the door to ensure the air starts to disappear, guess they are worried your colon will explode!  So, that is it...easy as riding a bike!  You have officially earned another day off work, as you are so stoned you come home and sleep the rest of the day, eventually you want to try food, because you have now gone 48 hours plus with no solid food, the thought of oranges, soup broth or jello makes you want to vomit and like all great patients, you start to crave McD's...yes, it is true...

Oh yes, almost forgot, while they are doing the scope, they remove polyps if they see any (pre-cancerous lesions or growths), in my case, they also take biopsies to see what degree my crohns is in, and then you wait for a few weeks for your follow up.  I have been fortune thus far to have cancer free scopes, just received my latest colon cancer free status yesterday at 5pm, but it is a worry, everyone isn't so lucky.  While they say you don't have to have your first scope until 50, don't take a chance, if you have any concerns, worries, get in, early detection can save your life, sadly, I have lost some of the most amazing people to colon / bowel cancer, and medical advances have come a long way...put the embarrassment to the side, and get your ass on that table.  It will be over before you know it and hey, you lose a few lbs, just do it!

This is my October 2013 public service announcement, signing off for now - Toodles!

2 comments:

  1. You are awesome! Laughing my ass off, when it's not on the toilette. Read this while I was waiting for my "packets" to kick in. Thanks Heather

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  2. Thanks for this....infomative and funny!

    ReplyDelete