Public Service Announcement - You think you have it all figured out until you have a 3 year old!

Terrible two's - pffft, walk in the park.  Three's, oh yes, three is where it is at...Lets get ready to rumble!  I bring to you the facts that no one bothered to tell me (until I'm experiencing it - I am a planner - the warnings would have been appreciated) - that the terrible two's are nothing, it is the 3s where the real magic happens (of course I can only comment on the 3's (now that we are almost 4 months in, but I have been kindly warned, until they are about 20 they will still give you grief).  I have become convinced the only reason the 3s didn't get an official "title" like the infamous Terrible Two's did is that the person who coined the term ensured the kids didn't make it to 3, if they had, it would have been the torturous mind numbing 3s, the f'n 4's, etc...you get it...it actually can get worse before it gets better!

Now, I have to fully admit, I judged...oh yes I did, I would see "those" parents with their kids (aka, psycho's, orangutans, screaming monsters, bossy brats, fill in the blank _______) and think, if in some la-la land if I ever became a mother, which was virtually impossible, my imaginary kids would NEVER ACT LIKE THAT, or DO THAT,  or SAY THAT.  Who am I kidding? I still do that, while I am reminded quite often, and both from watching / judging and by experiencing, I do know we have it good, Greta has had one mild temper tantrum,  knows how to be respectful, is kind hearted and shy (while this does have some negatives, the positives are she is too shy to act out in front of people and hates people "watching her" - so this is perhaps why we haven't had any questionable moments in a store, restaurant, etc)....but, she is now 3 and with this lovely age comes a lot of actions that are less than desirable...And since no one told me, I will assume those reading also were not informed.  So I write this to help you prepare, stock the liquor cabinet, plan your escape route, get good meds, buy more liquor, and get a buddy system, as some of this stuff just doesn't get talked about and you really need to pass this crap by someone - while you may not want to compare yourself to another mother, you will appreciate hearing this shit happens to other people.  Oh, and if you are long past this stage, perhaps you are sitting back, with your glass of wine and can laugh and say, you amateur!

Not that anyone asks for my advice, I mean seriously, I'm sure I broke every "Perfect Mom Rule" in the book - I used bumper pads, I formula fed, I heated bottles in the microwave, I didn't put the handle of the car seat down, I allowed the animals to sleep next to her and she no doubt swallowed enough cat hair to cough up hair balls, I didn't make my own baby food, I didn't baby proof my house, lord, shall I continue!  I did move my liquor cabinet for the record - granted, that was just a few months ago, but as most know, I have one healthy little gal, smart as anything, is gentle with animals and other people but she is now 3 and her life expectancy some days is questionable!  (Okay, that part is a joke, my life expectancy is short, hence the reason I can laugh sometimes and think, I may only have a few more years of this crying, diva like attitude, etc).  But, if I was asked for advice, I promise, I wouldn't be saying "your life will change forever, you will get sleep in a few months...oh no, I'm going to damn well tell the truth, so here it goes (again, I feel for those that have it worse, and I know some of you are no doubt struggling to put your three year old to bed at 10pm, that some probably cleaned up after their 3 year old threw their food across the room or just hit their baby sister), but 4 months in, this is what no one else wants to share:

1)  They should have a show called Toddler Hoarders - yes folks, kids like to hoard things.  I was that mother who said, "my house will not look like a day care centre"...now, thankfully due to the set up of our home, it doesn't, although start to go through that closed door and wow, it's flippin Toys R Us...And I am the main culprit.  The child has enough toys to ensure it feels like Christmas each day, open a new box and wow, there it is, something new!  I actually think the toys are like rabbits, they just keep multiplying...and be warned, you have enemies - oh yes, there will be those that give you those annoying toys - you know, the ones that require BATTERIES - holy hell, unless you absolutely hate someone, don't give toys with batteries, because toys with batteries make noise, annoying noise...now there are some acceptable toys with batteries, those are the ones with a secret on/off button, but only those are acceptable.  Then your relatives will conspire to increase the toy volume in the house, just because the item was so irresistible.  I think I am going to adopt a new rule, for every gift Greta receives, the person giving it has to take one toy to their house (I vote for the ones with batteries that wiggled their way in the door)...this may stop some of the insanity.  And the biggest secret to three year olds toy collections - they like the Dollar Store toys just as much - if not better.  I always love when Greta bypasses the Strawberry Shortcake Collection that I think is worth approximately $400 at last count for the squishy, dirty, cat hair filled ball like Caterpillar.  Just when I think I can throw the filthy thing out, she finds it again!  Oh yes, and the more toys, the more bins / baskets / organizing "pieces" you obtain.  I will say, in our case, I do like them as Greta keeps a mighty tidy play room, but they are overtaking the playroom!  Now, don't think (like I did) that all the toys would stay in the "designated bin", there will be that day when the child will say, I want that princess ball and low and behold that sucker is not in the ball bin...AHHH.  For those with OCD, save yourself now, chop up the credit cards and never, every visit Walmart or Toys R Us with a child, you won't be able to handle the toy population!

2)  Food for Tots - nothing shocks me more than to see Greta finish 90% of her meal and totally out of the blue push the plate away and announce, "I don't like that"...well, you liked the first 10 bites, as you have for the past 2 years and now all of a sudden you don't like that!  Seriously.   And the foods that you swore you would never feed the kids, oh yes, you will buy them, first out of ease and then second because gasp, they are the favorite foods...Greta asks for a hot dog at least 4 nights out of the week...I shall spare you my teaching experience where the class made hot dogs, I am still traumatized by the experience, so I get a little gag reflex each time she asks for one.  Not that we give in, but sometimes we do, it's not worth the fight.  And it is amazing, we quite often hear, "I don't like that"...of course, she hasn't tried it but then when she wants to have chocolate for dinner and you find yourself negotiating that if she tries a bite, she can have a piece of chocolate, you know you have succeeded in parenthood! SIGH!  And is it just my house, or do all kids do this, she is full from her meal and I sit down to eat (most nights about an hour later) and low and behold, she pushed away her food, but now wants to dine off my plate, or drink my juice....SERIOUSLY!  I remember my aunt saying, "I just wanted to eat a hot egg"....I get hot food on the plate, but then it is usually shared however with the dog, Greta and what remains is cool!  No wonder I have been losing weight.

3)  You think you have it easy because your 4 month old is sleeping through the night - you sucker!  They will awake at night again, that is a ploy, just gets you comfy to think you have this great kid who slept through the night early, but let me guess, they have no teeth yet - oh yes, they will get up...but what is more annoying, just as you get comfy and think you have a sleeping toddler angel on your hands - BAM...they start to wake up again.  Now with screams, "Mommy, I have to pee"...so you have to pee at 3 am, awesome, great job that you have bladder control and want to go to the bathroom instead of having an accident in bed, but do you seriously have to stay up for the day, or request to play or watch cartoons....or perhaps, you feel a sense of accomplishment when the pee break is just 15 minutes and they are back to dream land, but don't get too comfy, cause they will be awake again at 5 am...."Mommy, Daddy, I'm scared, come get me"...I swear, I had more sleep when Greta was 10 days old than I do now.  No lie...so, enjoy your sleep while you can, it can get worse, much, much worse!

4)  A 3 year old is needy - do you know how needy this age is - 100 times worse than a newborn, of course you have to cuddle, rock, change, bath, feed a baby, but at 3, they now tell you EXACTLY  what their needs are, believe me, so much more enjoyable when you had to figure it out through cries.  Now, it is, I want to play with this one particular toy, not any toy, the toy that is impossible to find because it is an inch high and the same damn color as 100 other toys in the bin.  Let me give you an example, "Mommy, I can't find Dora, can you help me find Dora?"  "Sure sweetie, oh, here she is"..."no, not that Dora, the other Dora", the search continues.. "here you go, I found Dora"...the attitude starts, "I said the one with the purple shirt, the blue shorts and the flower on her"...oh yes, that f'n Dora, the one we lost 6 f'n months ago, never to be seen again, but today, that is the only Dora that will do.  Now, in most cases, I would run to the store and buy 10 friggin Dora's, but oh no, this one is 12 years old, a hand me down from my niece..there is only one!  That is the needy I'm talking about.  I could have devoted the entire blog to neediness... I want the strawberry shampoo, not the smurf shampoo, I want the pink shirt not the white shirt (that for the record was picked out with her approval the night before), and lately, I want to wear my dress coat everywhere....go for it darling...it is cute, who needs a formal coat to be in good shape, go play...really, this I don't mind, she looks cute and it can be washed!  And be warned, the need factor usually rises significantly the moment you sit down, get on the phone, go to the shower, etc...they never need anything while you are with them, they seem to pounce like a cat.  This is also the time I should say, you don't get to shower or have a relaxing bath alone for at least 3 years and I fear it may be longer, but I can't talk from experience for the longer just assuming as I don't yet feel there is an end in site....I long for the day that I can just relax in a hot tub, without a toddler sitting on the stool, asking to smell the soap, or wanting to draw something on the tub wall, or for me to play with rubber duckies, or the best pointing out that I have "big lumps"...

5) Three year olds do not lie - while this is an admirable trait, you have to realize does not lie also means, no filter...I have been told this past week that my legs were itchy (aka, hairy), my shirt looked like a Zebra, that I can't sing and that I was speeding and that was just in 24 hours....to maintain some amount of self dignity, I won't share other comments my sweet, adorable, way too honest daughter had to say.  Now, this is not necessarily a bad trait, you want to know what is going on, send the private investigator 3 year old on the case, but be prepared for the entire truth, it may not be pretty!  Of course, they don't just leave this honesty is the best medicine trait for the house, oh no, Greta has no issues telling others I can't sing, that I have big lumps and no doubt is off announcing the color of my underwear to her little friends - because oh yes - you won't get to dress by yourself for awhile either!

6)  Get a share in Band aids - Greta, thankfully has never really hurt herself.  No major falls, no big cuts, a few minor little bruises, but relatively lucky, but now that she is a 3 year old, she thinks a hang nail requires a band aid.  She at one time was fearful of band aids, now I think she goes through a few a day.  The good thing, band aids do cure absolutely everything, especially if they have Dora on them, so while worth the cost, running out of that special Dora band aid when a "real injury" happens (aka, she stubs her toe), a 3 year old diva attitude quickly turns the incident in to a life threatening event if the proper band aid is not available.  Lesson - stock up!

7)  Clothing - this I admit was a big judgement on my behalf...you know the kid who is wearing 5 different colors, or pjs for the 5th day in the row, out in public....toddlers think they have a sense of style and believe me, they know what they want.  Now, I have stocked the closet with pieces that I like, so you would think this would be okay...however, we are now in the dress phase, and if it isn't a dress, skirt or tutu, it isn't worn.  We still wear pants, but that means a tutu is part of the outfit.  While I have yet to have her leave the house in pjs, or dirty clothes, she has a mind of her own and can be mighty strong when fighting me over an outfit.  We do pick the outfits out the night before, but this plan doesn't always work!  Patience isn't my strong point, but I now let her wear what she wants - out of the few choices I give her - a huge step for me, baby steps people, baby steps!

8)  Crying - oh my lord, the child cries all the time, hitting on whining, but not quite, but definitely grates on the nerves and patience is really tested.  I swear she didn't cry in the first 35 months collectively what she has in the last 4 months...she is so sensitive, I can barely handle it.

9)  You will be the favorite one minute and then you are being told to "Get OUT"...of course, this usually happens in the bathroom, she wants me to be there, then Daddy, then Mommy, then Daddy....crying, screaming, get out, I don't want you, leave me, don't talk...oh, the joy, the joy!  Yesterday, she was calling out for Daddy, when I arrived in the room, "I didn't call for you" was the greeting I received...thanks kid!

10) And all the above to say, even with the challenges, the fact that we as parents have been out once in 18 months, the exhaustion, I guess I have to admit, I can't imagine my life without a 3 year old.  Okay, that is a lie, every once is a while, I think I would just like to go to supper or trivia, but then I remember, I need to be told I look like a zebra, I need to pick out a tutu for the next day, I need to color or play games, I need to put pretty braids in her long locks and I have to gain a little bit more of a fight in me to ensure my health struggles are put to the side so I can enjoy more frustration, aggravation and laughter, unconditional love and devotion from my little gal.....

Okay, that is the only sap you will get from me, hope you enjoyed the 3 year old public service announcement, and shame on all of you who didn't tell me about the true facts...and again, sorry to those who on top of this list also deal with temper tantrums, this post would have had a lot more swearing if I had to endure that, so I do feel for ya!  I just assume she is holding out for a bit longer to work up the energy to make it a good one!  And when it happens, I will certainly let you know.

Toodles!