Today I am going to talk about the infamous Diaper Genie! Now, unlike my hope, this is no genie in a bottle, believe me, I rub this sucker a few times a day waiting for some hot looking genie to pop out, hell, I would settle for a fat ulgy looking genie, I just want my three friggin wishes! Who came up with this name anyway, there is no wishes granted, just a capsule of toxic waste!
For those who do not know what a diaper genie is, let me try to paint a picture (and for the record, I really do think it's a great invention, despite the image I may explain). The Diaper Genie (we have the Elite - just to make it that much more special) is a white hard plastic tube that somewhat resembles a nuclear warhead, it conveniently stores the toxic waste that comes out of darling little Greta. Greta gets changed, we fold up the diaper in a nice little package (unless it's one of the dosey diapers, in which case I personally layer about 10 clean wipes on it, somewhat try to roll the diaper small enough to fit into the diaper genie hole, all while attempting to avoid leaking the toxic shit anywhere from the changing table to the nuclear waste holder). Basically, the diaper genie holds dirty, smelly, wet, toxic diapers, seals them in a plastic bag and when full, guess what, you have a diaper sausage. Darren is demonstrating the diaper sausage in the picture taken by our friend Rachel Peters (if you can imagine, what he is holding was just 36 hours worth of diapers).
When Greta first arrived home we could just step on the foot pedal and torpedo the diaper in to the genie, but now, they are getting bigger. We moved Greta out of the newborn diapers into size 1 despite them being a tad big for her (more room in the butt for the explosions she has come to be known for), so we are actually now having to give the diaper a bit of a nudge down the chute. Let me tell you, I gag my way through diaper changes, despite being wrapped in numerous clean wipes, touching these diapers makes me want to vomit, if the toxic smell wasn't so bad, I may vomit in the diaper genie. The genie does hold in the smell to some degree, it is sealed, but those few moments when you have to open it to add another diaper, barf!! It's hot in Greta's room, so I can't imagine the smell of diapers sitting in a garbage can in a hot room, sun beating down on it, I assume it would be like the manure piles you see on the farms with the toxic haze above it. But this elite machine needs to start working more...as Greta gets older, the diapers are getting more toxic. I find myself praying (and I'm not the praying kind) that Darren will be the one to hold her when she decides to move her bowels, I swear, I whisper in this 7 week old baby's ear and tell her I'll buy her presents if she will just shit on his watch. But sadly, tonight wasn't my night. Darren had a tote full of clams to boil (of course, this means he is outside, as I don't allow him to cook or eat fish in the house), so I am feeding Greta and what do you know, just as he hands her off to me, the rumble happens, the rocket launch, the red face, clenched fits, lower lip pout and KABOOM. Thankfully, it's not pouring out either side of her legs (thank you Size 1 Diaper), but the smell is weakening my already weak immune system, I truly feel brain cells dying, my eyes start to water and my liver is getting more damaged. I have visions that this toxic chemical will have me glowing in the dark and peeing neon. After me moaning and wiping tears away, and me demonstrating my lower lip pout, Darren thankfully agrees to change Greta. Thank goodness as I was in and out of a coma, I may have actually fallen in to that crap while changing her!
So, just a little glimpse in to my day, I don't know if there is a more disgusting smell then warm, dirty diapers sitting in a plastic tube that doesn't hold true to it's name and produce a friggin Genie. But I'm sure warm dirty diapers sitting in a regular garbage can could prove worse, so if you are expecting a baby, go buy one, or give one as a shower gift...Money well spent!
As for my wishes - Just Three - I would wish for Health, Wealth and one Awesome Nanny!
All for now, Toodles!
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