Home Confinement

Another delay in my Blog updates - why you may ask, ummm, lets see, crap, vomit are a few to get me started. I see a life of Home confinement, bad enough that I was a prisoner to a c-section and unable to physically get around, but now that I feel a bit more competent to drive and carry Greta in her car seat, I'm house bound because she is a social nuisance...Yes, I called her a social nuisance! Bad mother note number 309 I'm sure!!!

Let me take you back a day, my FIRST outing with Greta, just she and I, off to visit our friends Amber and Baby Erik. We had the day planned, may have been a tad optimistic with saying we could do a visit at 10am, but I was determined it was going to happen.

So, lets see if I can give you a time line...

7:45 - Darren left for work, Greta still sleeping

8:15 - Left Greta sleeping but she is starting to wake up, start bath water

8:30 - Greta is up, my bath water is ready and cooling, so I give Greta her soother and place her in bouncey seat and along with the Dog, she sits on the bathroom floor as I enjoy 5 minutes (yes, 5) of a relaxing bath!

8:45 - I love soothers - Greta is patiently waiting for me to get dressed and get make up on and my hair done (I'm not setting up a visit and looking like total crap!!)

9:07 - I am sitting on the couch, all ready to go. While feeding Greta I message Amber to tell her that I'm on schedule, 53 minutes to feed her, see if she blows off a diaper (we were going on 24 hours with no Code Browns, I was starting to think it was coming) and get to our 10am Mommy / Baby visit

9:28 - My eyes are watering, no, I'm not tired, I'm trying to regain my composure as the shit came, and it came good! Holy lord, how can an 8lb child stink like this, where is this chapter in the baby books "Toxic Fumes - Beware". As I try to come to from the smell, I message Amber again, directly below my 9:07 note to say you better spot us 15 minutes.

9:30 - 9:45 - Oh my lord, it was a take your rings off, 15 wipes type of event, I think my nose is beyond repair, the diaper genie needs a mega deodorizer, and I had to open all the windows on one end of the house. And I was gagging, I mean really, really, really gagging, I was contemplating locking myself in the bathroom and calling Darren to come home to change her! But, one good thing - thank god she won't embarrass me on our visit, the shit is done, we are probably good to go for another 24 hour period. As I'm changing her, I realize there is a brownish / greenish stain on my shirt...holy F...

So back to the baby - I changed her. I dress her in a sweet little Green shirt with little white and pink roses on it, little pants that have GIRL written across the bum, and a matching hair band...she just looks adorable. I have to go find something else to wear for me!

9:45 - There is an ounce left in her bottle, she still seems hungry, I think hard about not giving it to her, but I do...SO...then I start to burp her again, praying it will be quick and not messy for me or her.

9:45 - I'm multi-tasking - I Email Darren to give him notice that the shit came and he owes me, he has the nerve to call me laughing his full fledged giggle, while I get more angry on the phone, he thinks it's funny she and I are both requiring a change. I ask him to call Amber and tell her I'm going to be running late...I can multi-task, but remember, I only have 2 hands, feeding her, typing with one hand, talking on the phone and trying to regain my sense of smell.

9:51 - Get a "LOL" message back from Amber about my predicament - a sign of support and understanding or a message saying Sucker...UMMM

10:00 - Suppose to be at Amber's, am not, BUT, I think I have a hope of just being 15 minutes late!

10:10 - OH my goodness, it's looking good, Greta didn't burp, but she did burp after all the other oz's, it was just that last mouthful and she is falling asleep, so I get her cute self into the car seat, tuck in her Winnie the Pooh along side her and make sure I have the keys, Amber's coffee order, diaper bag...oh yes, I'm bringing the baby, got her now in hand and out the door we go...I'm impressed, 10 minutes late is great for me....And then it happens...

10:10 and 5 seconds - SCENE - Just shut door and confirmed it was locked, about to take my first step down the front porch and BARFFFFFFFFF...Projectile Vomit is flowing through the car seat, Winnie looks like he got the brunt of it, that sweet outfit is now creamy white, Greta - smells like Barf (good thing, would be bad if she smelled like Jack Daniels which is what I wanted to smell like after this incident), and I'm ready to say it wasn't meant to be and cancel our visit...BUT NO, I said I was going to be there and by darn it, I'm going to make it happen.

10:11 - Take soaking wet kid and Winnie out of car seat, to expose the vomit that is now seeping through the fabric - I'm going to barf! Put baby on the counter, scrub seat, add Second Car Seat to the TO BUY LIST, put blanket on the seat (yes, I know you are not suppose to do it, but no choice), change Greta in to a sleeper - cute outfits are not cutting it, we are going for full protection, and I take a moment to wipe away a tear as I realize this is my life today and I just want to move away!

10:27 - Bla, bla, bla - hack, hack, hack - Are you freakin kidding me AGAIN, the damn cat is barfing, I am just about ready to open the liquor cabinet this is just ridiculous. I think about not picking it up, BUT, assume Scarlet would do it for me when I leave, so I am off to find the cat barf on the floor, praying it's not on the one bedroom floor that has carpet that is open to the cats!

10:30 - Lets try leaving again, soother is in the mouth, the smell of shit and now barf are fighting it out in my nostrils, I'm starting to really think babies need to all have Nanny's so they don't have to go out in public, and why are receiving blankets so freakin small - I'm going to invent Baby Barf Snuggly's or Vomit Poncho's, the face will be exposed but everything else is covered.

10:49 - Finally arrive at Amber's - somewhat impressed after the shit and barf show that we are still within the 10am-11am time frame, I settle in to her comfy couch, open up my hot chocolate - for a moment, contemplate asking if she has a shot of booze she can spot me for my hot chocolate, but realize I may not be able to stop and surely she doesn't want my drunk ass staying at her house all day, so I just sip and think, I wish this had liquor and I wish I had a Nanny! But, thanks for the visit, my first outing was a success - Well, we made it didn't we!!!

All this to say, I just may be sticking out the next 10 months, drunk, on my couch, watching Soap Opera's, getting fat because I'm eating junk food all the time, did I mention drinking...THIS will be the scene unless the little miss shows a more acceptable going out behavior. Next outing is a planned big one - NB on Saturday - I'm scared, really, really scared. If she embarrasses me at Price Club, that will be the last straw, she'll be cut off presents and teddy bears!

I am pretty sure 99% of the mothers out there told me, the first 6 weeks are the toughest, then it's like a magic switch and all calms down and the routine come - Well, it's 6 weeks today...I want the damn magic switch!!! OR A NANNY!