Code Brown....Code Brown....HOLY SHIT!

So, I gave a teaser earlier today about this evenings Blog Post - and I have some impatient followers!!! So here it is, I hope you find some enjoyment in the pain I have experienced. We had a Code Brown Today (Thanks to Nurse Heidi for the title - it was extremely appropriate!)...

CODE Brown = Greta blew the diaper off!

I have commented a few times about Greta blowing her diaper off, ironically, SHIT has been a topic I have blogged about a few times since become a mother...but I take that all back, call me a liar, a newbie, green when it comes to motherhood, but I happily admit that when I said she blew her diaper off in past discussions - she really just had a little puff and the diaper expanded a little. Today was a whole new experience. Let me set the scene, you may appreciate it more.

Lets go back to yesterday, where the poor little thing seemed to power puke at every feeding, I was patting myself on the back for purchasing the leather furniture years ago, otherwise, our furniture would be stained beyond repair. And I don't honestly recall doing so much laundry as I have done in the past 24 hours, but lets just say, she was hitting every nook and cranny of the couch and the clothing she and we had on. In amongst this little upset, we have noticed that our little shit machine, hasn't been shitting...Sorry for the "swear word" POOP just seems weird to say. Anyway, we thought it was a bit odd to go from filling a diaper at every feeding to all of a sudden go 2 feedings, then 3, and holy, we were up to 4 feedings with no shit. And what do I do when there is something odd happening to myself or Greta - I head to the reference books and the Internet medical sites. By the time I had finished reading, I had Greta diagnosed with a gastro issue that needed immediate medical attention and that could only be cured with surgery. I wanted to go to the ER, but Darren thought I was reading too much! So, after a few words, and the decision to try just one type of bottle (the bottles Darren feel are the best ones to make her not get sick), I head to the spare room for a rest and Darren, the expert parent (I'm being sarcastic, he's good, but I was ready to punch him last night) was going to tend to Greta and "Do things his way." I of course take this to mean my way was wrong.

***SIDE NOTE - I was fighting mad, because I felt the bottles that I spent a bloody fortune on were not the culprit, how could they be, they were the most expensive and supposedly reduce colic, spit up and belly pains, his favorite bottle are the cheapest in the collection! ***

As the night goes on, Darren gets a lucky break in his bottle theory, she doesn't puke - however, she doesn't shit either. I do the morning feeding and guess what, no puke (now I'm pissed, do you know how much I have spent on these state of the art bottles!!!), but if the cheap ones don't make her puke, great...but still, nothing coming from the diaper end. By lunch time, we are both getting a bit concerned, I'm now thinking she has inherited my crohns or this terrible gastro issue that means surgery, Darren just thinks it's odd.

So, this brings us to this afternoon...is everyone with me! Imagine the scene, Greta is relaxing in her beautiful pink and brown bouncey seat, wearing a sweet white sleeper my mother bought her, it's so soft and has pink cuffs and says Short and Sweet on it. Darren and I are patiently waiting on either side of the bouncey seat for her to wake up, as I want to feed her, change her in to a "going out outfit" and run some errands...We start to see her moving about, thinking about waking up after a fairly long sleep, I turn on the massager (this bouncey seat is great) and it happens - we hear the rumble, and not a little tummy rumble, no, imagine you are about to watch the Space Shuttle launch and they start the shuttle up and the fire and smoke flow out from the bottom and the ground below you shifts to the side. Darren and I like total losers are almost cheering her on - "YEAH, she shit"....she won't need surgery, she doesn't have crohns, she won't embarrass me while we are out shopping kind of cheers (Pause - is this what is excitement in our new life - lord help me!!!) Well, like inexperienced parents, we leave her in the bouncey seat just in case she has more shit in her. She isn't fussy at all, not crying, just sitting around in and out of a sleepy state...but finally, Darren decides to go change her and I go to prepare a bottle...and then we see it, CODE BROWN, CODE BROWN...the white PJs are a milky brownish color, with a hint of yellow just on one side and Darren announces she blew the diaper, he is brave and decides to still head to the bedroom to change her, and for some odd reason, I follow him.

This follow the leader thing was a good decision in some aspects, completely stupid in others. We start to open up the snaps of the PJs and Darren starts to gag, if the smell wasn't bad enough, we quickly realize that not only is the diaper full, the PJs are full as well, this wasn't a little leakage folks, these pjs were holding shit, thank the lord there were feet in the pjs! I for a brief second remembered the Oxy Baby Clean that was recommended to me by a friend that now sits in the laundry room, but then another glance at the amount of shit sitting not only in the diaper, but in the pjs and not to mention all over Greta, I yell to Darren to fill the bathtub and I pick Greta out of the toxic material and make the decision there isn't a chance in hell I'm going to scrub shit out of these pjs....AND all but Greta went in the Diaper Genie (yes folks, you can stuff pjs in to the Diaper Genie)...it was traumatic. Took 10 wipes at least to get the initial shit off of Greta - enough to wrap her in a blanket and get her to the bathtub. She loved the tub - who wouldn't there was a lovely aroma in the bathwater and it was so warm and cozy, moments before she was curling her little nose up at the toxic cool waste that just came from her little body. It was the longest bath she has had to date.

SO...that was the day. The ironic thing is, just yesterday I was talking about liking Pampers diapers over Huggies, thought they seemed more secure...I am now going to search for steel diapers that lock with keys....that or Greta is going to look a tad plump, she will now be wearing 3 diapers at a time and wrapped in bubble wrap under all her clothes. The next blow out is all Darren's, my nose may never recover. Oh yes, and for a quick shit update - she has had 2 bottles since this blow out and still hasn't shit...I can't handle this - I'll never leave the house, and I may have to find Black Baby clothes, Greta will be sporting the goth look, next thing I'll have her with a nose piercing and tattoos. It was bad enough that I can't get somewhere on time anymore and she controls the schedule based on her feedings, but now the blow out shit is going to keep me in...she is becoming quite the social nuisance....Good thing she is cute and I still feel like crap and unhealthy, otherwise, she may be put in time out!

Sorry to those who are disgusted, those first time mom's to be who are scared (believe me, if I read this prior to her arrival, I would have been worried), the men who will gag like Darren and those who are eating while reading my blog...I swear, it was worse for me than it was for you!

I wish I had more to report - but between the power puke, the rocket launching shit show, and my slow recovery - we don't get out much. Anyway - Happy Friday everyone, little Greta is a month old tomorrow which is so very hard to believe, I am definitely seeing changes in her, filling out a bit more, her hair is getting fluffy and long on the sides and back but receding in the front (gosh, mental picture, just imagine Darren) and she looks cute in headbands which I didn't think I would do, but even Darren smiles when he sees them. Thanks to those who visited this week, chatted via FB or Email, and to the bakers at Maid Marians for the Strawberry Cream pie, although it is affecting the weight, so I will be happy when it's past the strawberry season... We look forward to a full week of company next week and I am starting my round of tests to hopefully get me on the road to recovery and good health (I'll happily settle for mediocre health)...CT Scan is booked for Friday (PEI Medical system can move quick when you have a good specialist, no year wait for me, just 10 days!!) Sadly, I had to postpone my NB trip that was planned for tomorrow, after hitting two stores tonight, I had to admit, I am just not healthy enough to make the trip (OKAY, for those thinking I'm dying, I'm not on my death bed, but if not able to shop is not a sure sign that my health is not good, nothing will convince you...ha!).

Stay tuned for more Gail and Greta Adventures, they can only get better from here!