The Birth Plan...and other wishes

Less than 48 hours and sheer terror is setting in. I spent most of the morning today at the Pre-Surgery Clinic, hearing way too much info about what is going to happen on Thursday, step by step of the C-Section Procedure, and about 75 minutes discussing my medical history (I think each screen on the computer was filled out - it has been confirmed, between Heart Disease, Cancer, Bowel Disease, Neurological Issues and Diabetes - we are not the healthiest family in the world). The nursing staff, again, get an A+, the OR nurse who reviewed everything was wonderful, kind and very informative. She even commented about Push Presents - can you believe it. She was fascinated with my engagement ring, even brought a few other nurses over to take a look at it and asked if I had hinted for a baby gift - I told her I had that one all covered!!! The day however went downhill when I had to meet the anesthesiologist. For the record, it wasn't the cute one I met months ago, it was an old guy who spoke a different kind of English than what I grew up learning (aka, not to be rude, but he was from a different country and I could barely understand a word he was saying - that should not be allowed in the medical system without an interpreter, lord knows what I agreed to!). It was very demoralizing meeting with him and very upsetting, but what can you do. He didn't seem to care that I have complications with anesthetic, or what my Gastro Dr recommended, basically he said, if the freezing doesn't work, I'll be knocked out. He also ignorantly told me that I needed to stop the anxiety, or it wouldn't work. Now, I don't know many who have had surgery of any kind and haven't been a bit nervous, I think that was the last straw! I explained the reason the section was booked was to avoid being put under, as I can die, he just shrugged it off, guess he didn't care to read the numerous reports about my liver and past complications that were stacked in the file by medical professionals saying no to a general anesthetic! Anyway, I guess I can just hope the freezing works! So, enough about that idiot, the rest of the day was fine.


So, on to more amusing things...I appeared yet again to not make the Good Mother to Be List, the questions for the maternity floor included:


Birth Plan - No

Breastfeeding - No

Pre-natal Classes - NO again....

It wasn't going well...I'll spare you all the questions, but I didn't have any YES check marks. Now, my blood pressure did rise when the last question was, do you have a living will - let me tell you, doesn't help with the anxiety issues when they ask for your dying wishes. But for the record I'll make it brief:

Let me die if I'll be hooked to tubes and will have no chance to ever recover, but make sure I really won't make it, get a second opinion perhaps, preferably from Off Island before you pull the plug.
If you can fix me, do so!
If I go brain dead, donate my organs (the ones that are good).
Suck my stomach away so I'm not wearing a fat outfit in the casket, and dress me in red. Shows confidence!
I do not want a PEI Type Funeral (that standing in line by a casket with name tags on is just odd and wrong), I want a PEI location - with a NB (and every other province) type of funeral - no line up of people, no name tags, just a mix and mingle! No damn church music is to be played, I like flowers, none of that "in lieu" of flowers crap, I want people to spend money.
Donations would be appreciated to my American Express, Mastercard and VISA.
Greta is to be raised any religion but Catholic and still have my last name.
Scarlet is to attend my funeral and sit in the front row - oh, that makes me sad to think about!
Darren can get my bills! Sucker!
UMMM, how is that for a quick living will.

Okay, didn't mean to do that, but now you all know my requests, but moving on, What in the hell would the birth plan state for a planned section, when I was asked, I just said, Birth Plan was to have a baby! In hindsight, I wish I had said to have a puppy just to see the reaction. So, I thought it was my duty to create a birth plan!

Gail's Birth Plan for the Dr's and Nurses (and a few rules for Darren)

• I don't care if your stupid instructions state No Make Up - I will be wearing mine, I already know I'll look like crap after surgery, I don't need to enhance the morbid look by having no color on my face! I have sacrificed my lovely manicured nails to suit your rules, I draw the line with the make up.
• Do not tell me to calm down and not worry - that is who I am, you figure out what drugs to give me to make things work.
• Don't even consider putting a damn catheter in my bladder until I am fully drugged and frozen, doing so prior will be extremely hazardous to your health.
• Don't screw up the spinal block!
• I already feel my dignity escaping, so Darren is not to walk in to the OR until I am fully covered, draped with blankets and lying on the table with nothing exposed.
• You are to state, it's a Girl, there is no other option!
• I do not want to hold the baby until she is all cleaned up, pink in color and bundled in a nice clean blanket, no need to lie her next to me all wrinkled and yellow with gook.
• It was very kind to let me know camera's and video camera's are allowed in the OR, HOWEVER, I do not need a family portrait in the Operating Room and I will break the video camera if I see one in there. There will be lots of time for pics, but my intestines flowing out is not my idea of a fun shot.
• When I return to my room, visitors are restricted to Darren and my parents only, if anyone tries to sneak in, they are to be thrown out and will never see the baby for disrespecting the rules.
• Darren is not to send a picture or details out until I get to see the baby and hear how things are for myself, which will be 1 to 2 hours after her debut and when I get out of the recovery room. (I think this is only fair)
• I am formula feeding the baby - no need to convince me otherwise.
• I'm not keen on this rooming in with baby idea, so I volunteer to be a bitch and ask you to take the baby to the nursery to check her out for conditions that I think she may be developing on a regular basis.
• I wish to stay in the hospital as long as possible, may as well have someone cook for me, bring me drugs and watch TV.
• I demand the QEH (in the next 48 hours) get with the Information Age and find a way to get wireless Internet to my room. My Blog Followers need to all put in complaints with the QEH administration for being so friggin archaic. How in the heck can I keep up to date with things happening without Facebook and Email??
• You better give me the private room I am eligible for, or be willing to pay out the cost difference in cash if I end up with a roommate.
• Darren will not be spending the night at the hospital, and I am not afraid to use the buzzer to ask for help.
• Don't screw up my food menu, I am still on the pathetic diet, and you have been warned I'll be in the building.
• Don't kill me...pretty please! Don't screw up, make sure both Greta and I survive and don't have to sue your asses for messing up!

That about sums it up, sorry for those offended for the swearing, as time gets closer, I find I am swearing a significant amount more. I'll chalk it up to hormones or just being passionate about the topic!