Stork and Cabbage Patch Kids

I think I have made it fairly clear in my blogs that I'm not a big reader, I like short stories or waiting for the movies to come out (exception being, I did think it was my duty to read the Shopaholic Series). But Pregnancy books, even the ones that are more graphic and describe things on a high and overly descriptive medical level really don't tell you what is going to happen. Sure they start off, Welcome to Month 6, 7, 8, 9...But do you see a month 10...That's right a month 10... And they have a great ability to downplay the nastiness that occurs during pregnancy, or exaggerate it to the point that you don't take it seriously. And I'm saying this after breezing through for the most part. Sure I've had some medical complications of my own to deal with, but as far as baby goes, I was in that 5% - 10% of women who they don't discuss alot within the pages as it will piss off those woman who are struggling - no morning sickness, no stretch marks, no extreme exhaustion, lord, I think my skin looked pretty darn good, could have had a glow (don't worry, it wasn't the angels beaming glow dust my way, just lucky), and my chest didn't even grow, not one little bit. But, I'm starting to feel different now and I look to the books when I feel twinges or "see" something changing, and guess what, nothing is there, WHY, because the things now happening at week 37 is the nastiness the authors didn't write about in fear that woman thinking about having a baby would read it, change their minds and the human race would end.

Of course there are the earth mothers that claim "pregnancy is beautiful, it's a miracle, the pregnant body is beautiful and sexy." Whatever, give me a friggin break. Last I looked, sexy was a Victoria Secret Model in most mens eyes, not a waddling penguin who is swelling and retaining water. A real miracle would be returning to the day that a happy, healthy baby was just created with no mess and no fuss and delivered via stork, or chosen to love from the Cabbage Patch! That is what I was expecting, damn childhood lies!

So, here are a few things they don't tell you until it's too late / or you figure out for yourself:

1) Sure a baby kicking is nice for mental health, for me it makes me realize she is alive and my lack of good nutrition hasn't harmed her, but one kick would do. The kicks intensify and it friggin hurts. Let me tell you, huge difference between that first little wiggle in the 20-28 week range and a kick at 37 weeks. I think she has damn high heels on and is practicing for soccer in them (she is stylish you know) however she is using my ribs as the net. It hurts, this child has big feet and must have muscular legs because she is doing a fine job at showing her power. Sometimes it hurts so bad it takes my breath away and not in a loving maternal, oh my goodness that is such a miraculous event way!

2) Standing for too long just hurts body parts that shouldn't hurt, all I can say (and this is a guess, as I'm obviously not a guy) but I assume the pain would resemble a man getting kicked in the groin by a very, very pissed off girlfriend after he was caught cheating! And just for pay back for standing too much during the day, the pain lasts for hours if not days. And that is just with a 17lb weight gain, may the prego angels bless those who gained a significant amount more weight.

3) Rolling over - I mean in bed. It takes a lot of effort and I forget that often, so I start to roll over and realize I have a stomach to carry with me, which means I have to sit up adjust the pillow, slowly move my entire body over, keeping in mind the body parts that hurt (see above). This becomes a 10 minute episode. That I do 10 times a night. Needless to say, I sleep in the spare room. Oh, I forgot to mention, in amoungst this move, it moves my bladder, which means just as I get comfy in my new spot, I have to go the bathroom.

4) Veins - the other day I looked down at my hands and I immediately thought of a show I had recently watched - Intervention - you know, the show about drug, alcohol and various other additions, the episode I was thinking of was the Drug User with veins popping out saying feed me poison. Veins bulge folks and I couldn't find a thing about this in a book, I was embarrassed, as I didn't want people to think I have all of a sudden formed a drug habit to deal with my mental issues over having a baby, but finally asked the Dr today. In his usual manner, he shook his head at me as he said "its normal"...explained that it was the 50% increase in blood volume and that the nurses will greatly appreciate my bulging veins when they go to put the IV in...Glad I could assist!

5) And no where in the baby books do they give instructions on how many times you can use the "I'm pregnant line" with your significant other. Or, "you owe me line", or when it's really bad and you are annoyed and fed up to the max, there is no chapter that describes the feeling that explains that you may really wish to kill the person who "did this to you" and that you won't care one little bit about the amount of jail time you will be given. That will be in my book when I write it - maybe from jail, but it will pass the time! It would also help if the books had a MAN section, What not to say!! As we were leaving the house this evening, I did my usual mirror check and walked out to the foyer saying I look like a Big Fat Cow, Darren said, well you are pregnant. SOOOO, does that mean Big Fat Cows in the field resemble pregnant woman, or I do look like a Big Fat Cow, the smile I received as I gasped didn't quite cut it as making up for the comment - I shall remember. Men need a manual of Speaking Etiquette - which is one chapter / one line - SAY nothing!!!

*** Now, my guest commenters have really encouraged me to write about Bottle vs Breast Feeding, I will, but I have to be ready for it and put more thought in to it...but for now, on the topic, I will say, I'm pretty darn sure if I went to a play ground, there is no possible way I could pick out which kid was fed what, but I may be able to pick out the mothers who did or did not, as one friend wrote, saggy vs firm - breast vs bottle...I'll leave it at that for now! A huge thank you to all those who have encouraged me to stick with my decision, it's been greatly appreciated.

And a quick update note : Full term has arrived!!! HOLY CRAP, Dr and Nurse said could be anytime. Weight gain stable (for 6 weeks) at 17lbs, Blood Pressure a whopping 110/70, and the biggest shock today, despite everyone saying I'll have a tiny baby and deep down thinking that as well, the Dr's guesstimate today was 7lbs 6oz to 7lbs 10oz...Guess the grease and sugar paid off...